How do I increase my emotional intelligence?

Do you want to work on your emotional intelligence? Can't hurt! We have great tips from the psychologist on how to go about it.

Emotions are generally good – especially if we have a certain level of emotional intelligence, i.e. H. the ability to perceive our feelings, perceive other people's feelings, and respond appropriately. According to studies, those who are able to do that and therefore have a "high EQ" are happier, more successful and more relaxed than people who are less emotionally intelligent (by the way, you will find signs here that you can recognize emotional intelligence). But where do you get emotional intelligence from? Is she innate? Or educated? Better: we can learn and train them ourselves! In "Psychologytoday", psychologist and coach Russell Clayton gives three tips on how we can proceed.

3 expert tips on how you can increase your emotional intelligence

1. Train your emotional language skills

According to Clayton, being able to name and express our feelings helps us to understand and classify them better – and in fact, language is in a way that it organizes the world for us. We can train our emotional language skills by using simple, three-part sentences of the form "I feel …". So instead of a reaction like "that can't be true!" rather "I feel frustrated!" According to Clayton, characteristics of a language that promotes emotional intelligence are:

  • Express your own feeling in a tripartite sentence
  • Use "I" instead of "you" or "that"
  • Use labels for feelings (frustrated, impatient, sad, angry, delighted, concerned …)
  • remember: our perceptions and thoughts determine our feelings (you can find more about this in our article "Understanding Feelings")

2. Develop empathy

Empathy means that we register and understand the feelings of our fellow human beings and is an important part of emotional intelligence. Those who are empathic are generally perceived as sympathetic, are less likely to get into conflicts and misunderstandings or can deal with them better and give others the feeling of being respected and taken seriously – in short, they have the best prerequisites, are socially integrated and successful to be. According to Clayton, the most important steps to develop or train empathy are:

  • To listen! (And resist the need to interrupt)
  • Be very cautious with advice! (Sometimes listening is enough)
  • Put yourself in the opposite position! (Try to look at things from his eyes)

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3. Gain emotional control

Emotional control means that we always focus on what we can control – instead of investing our emotional energy in what we cannot control. For example, we usually cannot control other people's behavior (unless we are masters of manipulation) or the weather or when the train arrives, what decisions our government makes, whether our washing machine works, etc. But what we always control is our breathing – that's why Clayton recommends, among other things, that we should breathe in and out deeply in troubled situations.

In addition, forward thinking can help us keep emotional control rather than indulge in our flushes of emotion: "How important will that be to me tomorrow or in a week? Will I even remember it then?"Clayton's tips on how we can learn to be emotionally controlled at a glance:

  • Inhale and exhale consciously / practice breathing
  • If possible, leave the situation and look at it from a distance
  • Forward thinking: "Will I still be interested in a week?"

According to the expert, these tips won't make us an emotional genius after reading them once. But if we consistently integrate them into our everyday lives and use them repeatedly, our emotional intelligence should improve – and with it our whole life.

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