The life of parents is not always rosy, especially during the fateful period of adolescence. This mother talks about her daily life with a 14-year-old teenager with fluctuating moods and not always easy to understand.
“I have high expectations for myself and for my children. But last year I realized that with my 14 year old son I had to lower those expectations ”, writes this anonymous mother on Scary mommy. “He’s a teenager, whenever there are wonderful things in his life he pretends it ‘sucks’ and it’s all my fault. I am responsible for everything that upset him. He wakes up cranky and goes to bed cranky. He screams and has a tendency to anger that I can’t understand ”.
Like many parents, this mother must have misunderstood her teenager and wonders what she feels about her child, whom she no longer recognizes. “For so long, I refused to say the words out loud: ‘I don’t like him.’ Instead, I said, “I wonder what happened?” […] But inside I knew what I was really feeling, and the truth was that with his behavior – although I still love him – I found him less and less likable ”, she confides.
To help lost parents like her, she wanted to give some valuable advice.
Know that it is the behavior, not the child.
“The reality is not that we don’t love our children as people. It’s that we don’t like how they act. Tell them this while taking your own feelings into account. It’s okay to let them know how you feel, especially when it’s them who make you feel useless ”.
Find out where his feelings for your child are coming from
“Is it because he has repeatedly disobeyed you? Is it because your daughter swears in front of you? Is it because they generally act like ungrateful people? What is the specific behavior that annoys you the most?
Stop making excuses for their behavior and go to the front lines. Sure, it’s going to be draining and emotional, but it’s the job that needs to be done. We must be the mirror of our children. We can only face their behavior if we are honest with ourselves and with them ”.
Take breaks
“Take a minute to really see your child for who he is, regardless of age. Sometimes we are so angry that we cannot see clearly. Stop. Take a minute, emotionally remove yourself from the situation, and use your reasoning and intellect to navigate through the situation or behavior. This step is easier said than done and I consistently fail here. But when I remember to hit the pause button, my whole household is doing better because of it. “
Relieve the pressure
“Being a parent is like reading the assembly instructions for an Ikea dresser: you don’t understand a thing. We can listen to other parents for advice, but at the end of the day they don’t live with our child. So let go of the pressure when you feel that you have failed with your child because you have these negative feelings about them.
When my son was a baby, comfortably installed in his cradle, wearing his blue cotton sleeper, I dreamed of his future. I had made up a picture of who he would be when he was old enough to talk, then go to school. Now that he’s a teenager, I mourn the lost image of my little boy. There are days when I look at it and wonder where I went wrong. But he’s still the same little boy, and while he doesn’t always act the way I expected, it’s not his fault. I can’t expect him to live up to a fantasy I brought up as a child.
I may not always love my son, but my love for him is still deep, as is my hope for his future. Adolescence is difficult for almost all parents, and I must remember, especially on difficult days, that “this too will pass”.
Thank you to this mother for this testimony without taboo on the reality of the life of parents.
Suruthi SRIKUMAR
Suruthi is a writer for the Aufeminin, Parole de Mamans and Avis de Mamans websites. She is also Community Manager for Aufeminin Maman’s Facebook and Instagram social networks. She is also …