Whether it appeared a few hours or decades ago, the mystery of our love for another being never ceases to question us. Are we really in love? Are we still? And if we want less, can we still talk about love? Diving in love story.
If there is a subject that crosses eras, societal upheavals and borders, in short, if there is one that unites people across space and time, it is that of love. That we experience it at the age of the first kiss, that we discover it when we no longer expected it, that we wonder about its role in the couple, its ability to be reborn or the place that 'it occupies in the wide range of our feelings, the question of the feeling of love remains. What are the signs that "prove" that you are in love? How not to confuse this state with other feelings? Can you be in love all your life? We interviewed Véronique Kohn, psychologist and psychotherapist, specialist in romantic relationships, in order to see more clearly.
Love in time
If love has always existed (and especially maternal love, for example), that of love in a couple has not always been induced. In the days of the Cro-Magnons and until recently, being in love in order to reproduce was not a subject. For a long time, weddings were organized by daddy-mom, we got down to business to financially arrange two families, expand the land or make handsome heirs. And no one, especially the women, had a say. So, stumbling across "the right person", living a passionate story with her, it was a stroke of luck, as Véronique Kohn explains to us. “Before the 19th century, we did not dream of romantic love. It was not up to date. We did not ask ourselves the question. Love has always existed between people but it was not dogmatic, we did not choose each other. "
Today, and that's good, marriage, just like starting a family, is no longer a societal injunction or a life goal. On the other hand, falling in love with a man, a woman, several people at the same time, and living this love in a "traditional" way or at a distance, on a regular or intermittent way, remains a fantasy maintained by the fictions, of course. , but also by the need to experience this great mystery that those who have experienced it speak of with the stars in their eyes.
The signs that you are in love
Love at first sight or love that blossoms, the beginnings of a romantic encounter are synonymous with many of the physical upheavals common to people who literally "fall" in love. If we speak of "falling", it is because a total letting go effect invades the men and women affected by Cupid's arrow, like a sweet intoxication that would make them apprehend the Other but also their environment. usual under a cotton filter. Heart pounding at the approach of the loved one, slight palpitations (the famous "butterflies in the belly"), impression of a deployed energy, tremors …, when one is in love, the body sends signals that the head cannot ignore. Especially since, very often, the latter is then entirely occupied with managing the subject, leaving little room for other concerns, often to the dismay of the unhappy entourage of the lover, neglected for a time. “Love at first sight is both mental and hormonal. And then there is a desire for fusion in human beings, to complete each other with the Other since the myth of Plato. Mental projection contributes to the emotional which contributes to sensations, to desire. It all plays together like a score, ”explains Véronique Kohn.
The Other then monopolizes our thoughts and becomes a priority. It is impossible to confuse this feeling with a friendship, even if it is in love, so special are the sensations of the early days of the crystallization of love. The name of the loved one keeps coming up all the time, it's crazy how we like to talk about him, and how each discussion seems to match our favorite topic of conversation. And, if in the past, we hung out under the windows of the chosen one of our hearts, or that we went around his block a hundred times to find him "by chance", today, we squat his social networks . In short, the love filter does its work and all the ordinary little things of our daily life then become extraordinary. We understand that this free miracle, much healthier and more accessible than a packet of happiness pills, arouses lust. So much so that some, more in love with the state than with the opposite one, like to convince themselves that they are in love. Without this being necessarily true …
The signs that show that we are not in love
“We are often in love with our state of love. The Other then does not really exist as an individual. It supports our state of love to make us vibrate, but in fact, we make a movie. Love is kind of a drug. There are lots of people who can't stand the transition from being in love to love, to a little more lukewarm attachment, more in support, the need for security. These people will constantly change partners to feel vibrate, "says the expert. These lovers of love, unable to move from passionate love to "everyday" love, often leave without warning, when the daily life, the arrival of a child or the flight of the desire of first times settle.
Others confuse being in love with addiction. Suffering and emotions. For them, a relationship can only be synonymous with jealousy, anger, panic fear of losing the other. For them, the famous butterflies can only resemble the pain of uncertainty. But while reason and feelings often go hand in hand, we must take the time to analyze and measure the happiness, confidence and pleasure that our story brings us. Because love (and even passion, not necessarily negative) remains a positive feeling, an incredible opportunity that brings people to life, and not a feeling that distances oneself from others and from oneself. Véronique Kohn receives many people in her office suffering from emotional dependence, unable to do without this passionate trance which no longer has much with love and undermines them. When, with each new meeting, we tend to always go towards this type of story, and never to be able to move on to love-trust, it is good to do some work on yourself, at the risk of never knowing that wonderful feeling which occupies the minds so much. The choice may then be to consider the break, however painful it may be, to get rid of this ersatz love that prevents it, and allow other more virtuous encounters.
Did Love run away?
“Studies say that love lasts only between a year and a year and a half,” explains the expert. But from my perspective, that's not quite true. Agape love, or tender love, is a form of love, an important attachment. Sometimes it's even more interesting than being in love, which is more projective. And then, we can maintain this state of love by making sure that we never really get acquired. Those who make love a lot maintain this state longer. Admiring your partner is also a good way to maintain the state of love. Admiration is the urge to possess. May the other always be with us, by our side. Even if there are imperfect things, we miss the Other when they are not there. On the other hand, when we do not miss the Other or no longer, it is when we are no longer in the state of love. "
But today, for many, not being in the state of love you started out with often means “not loving”. This obviously happens, and we must then come to terms with this reality and consider the rupture which will allow us to meet this state again, because life is long and loves can be multiple. But we often tend to associate the flight of butterflies with the installation of a different love. "When they think they are just attached," people ask themselves questions and think they have to leave each other. But there is really a confusion in the levels of love, "observes the shrink. Who adds: "You have to take the time to think carefully. To know if we are already, still or no longer in love. Always bearing in mind that we have often seen the fire of an ancient volcano that we thought was too old.
See also: Romantic nicknames in the couple, what do they mean?