How do you recognize when you match?

You get to know each other, fall in love with each other, get closer and whoosh: suddenly you're in a relationship! Usually it just happens. Things are developing without asking great questions about whether we really fit together – or whether we might invest our time, love and energy in a relationship that is ultimately doomed to break up.

However, we mostly ask ourselves as soon as it gets difficult. As soon as the relationship phases characterized by happiness hormones are over and we realize that there are not fair compromises for all conflicts. But how do we find an answer to that? Is it even right to assume that some people do not match? Or could everyone theoretically be happy together if they treat each other with respect, communicate well with each other, are confident and do everything else really well?

We asked couple therapist Eric Hegmann whether we can see that the person by our side is the right person for us. And whether it is worth working on our relationship or maybe it would make more sense to end it. His answer: yes – with the help of these six questions.

Couple therapist reveals: This is how you find out whether your partner is right for you

1. What has changed?

If you suddenly wonder if your sweetheart is right for you, something has probably changed – and the crucial question is what. Hegmann: "Are the changes external influences like a new job, conflicts with family or friends, questions about the meaning of the loss of a loved one? Or do you see the changes more with you or with him?" In the event of external changes, you should only question your relationship if your partner has not supported you adequately (see below). You should further investigate changes within your partnership: What are the causes? How do they affect your feelings? Can you / do you want to live with it? If you are serious, it is best to talk to your partner about it!

2. What do you love about him?

It is important that you understand what you are really connects with your partner. "Many people can only love if they feel loved ", explains Hegmann. If you are only with your partner because he obviously loves you, you may not love him as much as the feeling of being loved. If, on the other hand, you fear that you love him more than he loves you, your fear of you will make you doubt above all. Therefore there is no way around it: Be clear about what you love about your sweetheart.

3. Does your partner encourage you in your life?

More specifically asked: "Does your partner give you praise and recognition? Does he support you? Does he give you gifts? Is your need for intimacy fulfilled? And: Is he also your best friend?" If you can answer these questions from the therapist as far as possible with yes, you definitely don't have the worst person at your side! ?

4. Did your partner help you in difficult times?

If you've been together for a while, this question will definitely help you. Hegmann explains: "Welfare is one of the 5 languages ​​of love. Helpfulness, mutual support and recognition – without constantly weighing whether the effort is worth it and whether you get back as much as you invested – should be part of it non-negotiable to love it. "You know (from experience) that your sweetheart will not let you down? Sounds hard like a good one!

5. Did your partner leave you alone in difficult times?

He has? Bad sign! Hegmann comments: "To feel helpless and lonely in a relationship is terrible. But loneliness is not only painful – it also freezes emotions. It destroys trust in the partner when he turns away from it and prefers to have fun , while you don't know what to do because you don't want to endure the misery. Who needs a relationship that only gets lost in nice words and declarations of intent? "

6. Has your partner brought you into difficult times?

Sure, in good and bad times and together through thick and thin. But the therapist points out: "On the one hand, everyone bears responsibility for themselves – but on the other hand everyone also has responsibility for the common relationship. Every decision must be weighed not only as to whether it is good for you, but also whether it might harm the partnership. Behaviors that get you into trouble are often doing nothing and waiting. Those who sit out problems instead of tackling them actually just wait until things get really bad for everyone. For example, if a partner arbitrarily incurs debts, for which both must be liable. Abuse of alcohol or other substances is also a harbinger of major problems. Some people do not want to be helped and cannot be saved – at least not without external help. "

Still not sure if your relationship is really right? Maybe the online course would be "Go or Stay?" from Eric Hegmann right for you ?! Or you can take a look at our community and exchange ideas with people who may be asking exactly the same questions as you …