How does good sex work? Basically it’s very simple. All you need is curiosity and a bit of time, say Swiss couple therapists and tantra experts Doris Christinger and Peter A. Schröter. Here they explain the four pillars of sex life.
To be present
When two people go to bed together, they often put all their attention on the other. What does he want, what does he do, what does she do, what does he like, what does she like, and how does she show him that? If you desire more intimacy, then you should put all of that aside and focus on yourself first. The focus of your interest is now you and everything that is going on inside you. Because only if you feel what is happening to you during sex can you show your whole being, and that is the prerequisite for intimacy. The most important question is: what do I feel in my body, now, at this very moment? How does it feel when he:she touches my boobs? Do I feel pleasure or disinterest, tenderness or shame? How does the skin under my fingers feel, do I feel shy or greedy?
Concentrate on your body perceptions and stay with you, although there is also the other. And lots of thoughts, associations and desires that keep pushing between you and your immediate feelings. If you notice that your thoughts are revolving around the orgasm, or the children who might wake up, realize: Okay, I’m somewhere else mentally right now, now I’m trying to anchor myself in myself, back to my immediate add feeling.
Kiss
When was the last time you kissed your partner really long and hot and intense and seductive? When we ask couples about it in our seminars, they often realize how long ago that was. And that they shy away from kissing because it’s more intimate for them than sleeping together. In fact, there is more going on in the brain when kissing than when making love itselflarger regions are activated, and our emotional reaction is correspondingly intense.
Kissing allows us to express our feelings very directly, softly or violently, demandingly or devotedly, it is a wonderful form of wordless communication. Men are more likely than women to have problems with kissing, we once had a pair, and the man felt a real horror of them. His guess was that it had something to do with his mother always wanting something from him, and when kissing, she intervened like a phantom in his mind. We then gave the couple a very specific homework assignment: kiss for twenty minutes. At first he refused, he didn’t want it at all. But then it worked, and at some point the knot burst and both were happy. Twenty minutes is of course a lot, a couple only does that when they are suffering greatly. But try ten minutes. Make an appointment for ten weeks. Kiss and see what happens to you.
look
There is a very effective way to create intimacy: Open your eyes when kissing or having sex. As long as your eyes are closed, you have images in your head, thoughts and fantasies come up that let you drift away. But as soon as we open our eyes, this is no longer possible, we can no longer avoid it. Above all, however, we show ourselves to the other with everything that is happening in us at the moment: with desire, fear, defense, love – our very essence.
We all know exactly when something touches us inside, and then we instinctively withdraw, quickly close our eyes, otherwise it becomes too much, too close, too intimate. It is necessary to go beyond this limit, to postpone it in small homeopathic doses. With practice, couples can also look at each other during orgasm. When it succeeds, it’s overwhelming. Showing yourself in a moment of complete loss of control: that’s the most intimate thing of all.
keep Calm
You just don’t feel like having sex at all? Nothing stirs in you, not a spark of passion? That’s fine, then try quiet loving. You don’t need a lot of excitement, just a simple desire to be close to the other person. The goal of making love quietly is to slow down sex and become calm in the process. When you are united with your partner – a slight erection is sufficient for this when lying on your side in the scissor position – avoid any thrusting movement from now on and pay full attention to your bodily sensations.
Tip: Doris Christinger and Peter A. Schröter work as couple and sex therapists in Zurich. They have their own practice and lead seminars with a tantric focus. Her current book is called “Taking and being taken. For a new erotic relationship” (304 pages, 18 euros, Pendo Verlag)