take farewell
Which helped me come to terms with the death of my grandfather
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Even before my grandfather died, I was stuck in the denial phase. I kept telling myself, “It’ll be okay,” thinking it would just be a short hospital stay. That’s why his death hit me hard and unprepared. Which helped me process his death.
My mother had tried several times to prepare me and my sister for this. She had told us that our grandfather, her father, was getting worse and worse, but I didn’t want to believe it. At times I became angry, shielding myself from any thoughts that it might soon be over. Claimed in my mind that it was all just exaggeration.
I was in the middle of my studies, about 650 kilometers from home – and everyday life kept me on my toes and distracted me from the feelings that I didn’t want to give space to. That’s why when he died, it took me a long time to even realize his death. At first it felt like nothing had changed. My body didn’t want to deal with the loss.
I couldn’t grieve until it just happened
It wasn’t until the funeral was scheduled that I went back home. Until then I didn’t feel anything for the most part, and on the way back I was just calm and composed. I asked myself what was wrong with me. And that feeling continued when I saw my mother, father and sister. It wasn’t until we were standing at the church that something started to happen. Because there were so many people there who wanted to talk about him. Those who had known and loved him because of the most diverse encounters. Aunts, uncles, acquaintances, people I had never seen, from the music club or the neighborhood. And as we settled into the cold room in our winter jackets and on the uncomfortable wooden benches, my facade finally started to crumble.
The art of saying goodbye
All these people were sitting around me, mourning my grandfather with me. The feeling of understanding, compassion and shared devotion to him released the tears I had held back for so long. With the first song that was sung, I cried until the end of the funeral service. When I got out, I still had trouble quitting. My sister, my mother and my aunts hugged me and we all ran together to the grave to lower his coffin to the ground. All of this was a first step that connected me to emotions that I had not been able to grasp or allow before. The solidarity of my family and the shared memories of everyone present touched me, made me sad and happy at the same time. Without this experience and the days we spent together afterwards, I probably wouldn’t have felt any of this for a long time.
Shared memories and stories
The whole family later met at my grandma’s house. The personal stories about my grandfather were particularly beautiful back then. Everyone spoke up at some point with a “do you remember” or “I remember” thought. For us younger people, my cousins and me, it was often funny moments from family celebrations, such as the first secret mixed beer or a lively performance with his accordion in the music club. With my cousin, we spent time together solving crossword puzzles and chatting, as we say when chatting. The big birthday celebration where his children performed funny pieces and rhymes… there were so many conversations in the room and little by little we healed each other. Even if the sadness of course lasted much longer.
But what I noticed in these moments is the power of loving people. That not being alone can be one of the greatest helps. And I know that not every person is that lucky. But I hope that these people have friends or a partner with them instead. Confidants with whom you can cry and tell why the deceased was such an important part of our lives. I learned how important it is to take the time to grieve. I could probably have spent another few weeks in my emotionless state. But instead, I now know that vulnerability can be the better choice. For me, strength was just a facade. What was much more important was to let them go and show myself human and vulnerable. It was only because I was able to let out and show my emotions that I ended up feeling incredibly tired, but also liberated and grateful for the people I still have in my life.