how (really) to strengthen it?

What if, in order to boost your self-esteem, you had to start by understanding what you're talking about? It may sound obvious, but it's not that much, for the simple reason that the concept of self-esteem is generally confused with that of self-confidence. However, these two concepts frequently cited in personal development work are different even if they feed off each other.

Let's keep it simple: in psychology, self-esteem refers to how an individual assesses their overall personal worth, or the look he sets on him. Self-confidence is a component of self-esteem, or let's say a "sub-chapter" of self-esteem. It refers to the ability to recognize yourself to do "the right thing". In other words, someone who has confidence in him is someone who knows he is capable of success, who believes in himself and in his skills. When you lack confidence, on the other hand, you don't feel able (to call this person, to write a book, to wave to the waiter because the dish is cold …). So, the more self-confidence we have, the stronger our self-esteem, and the lower our self-esteem, the more our confidence takes a hit. So you can see it, everything is related, but trust and esteem do not mean the same thing.

Finally, to finish defining the subject, let us add that the other two "sub-chapters" to self-esteem are self-respect (the respect that one has for oneself, therefore) and the evaluation that we make of its qualities and its faults, but also of its strengths and weaknesses. So what do you do to give yourself love? Give yourself a better mark? Strengthen your "self-esteem" as the Americans say? You fuel her confidence, respect and "evaluation," and the good news is, it's never too late to get started.

Self-esteem is not pretension

Let's put the dots on the i's (again). If we often drag ourselves out with low self-esteem, it's because we imagine that boosting self-esteem is tantamount to becoming pretentious. Of course, we are wrong. Boosting your self-esteem does not mean boosting your ego, although your ego will be delighted. Having good self-esteem, in reality, does not mean that you think you are "super" and "awesome" and perfect (and that we tell everyone that), but that we know each other well, that you know your strengths, weaknesses, values, and that you can team up with yourself to succeed. In other words, we value ourselves for who we are and for what we are. To move forward, let's no longer be afraid of falling into pretension (because that's not the subject) and then take the time to discover ourselves in all honesty: yes, I am a good person because (complete) and yes, when it comes to (complete) i'm not the best but who is it wrong with (other than myself?).

Take action

Boosting self-esteem is also about building self-confidence, and self-confidence is about … taking action. Since it is about being "able" or not, let's prove that yes, we can! Yes, we can speak English at this meeting or we can get back to that boy with whom we want to start a relationship. Yes we can do this quiche or say no to that person who insists on doing them a service (that we don't want to do). It is by starting out little by little that you will gain pride and recognition (of yourself). So we dare new activities, this Pilates or painting class, and we try to leave our comfort zone (gently). At the end, we congratulate ourselves. The feeling of satisfaction could not be more nourishing, and if self-esteem could, she would gorge on it.

Learn to listen to yourself (and assert yourself)

Among the "sub-chapters" of self-esteem, therefore, there is self-respect. And self-respect is very important: the more we respect each other, the more we love each other, and the more we love each other, the more we respect each other. To enter with both feet together in this virtuous circle synonymous with love, two keys: you practice listening to yourself and you take into account your needs, your expectations, your pleasure, your stress level too. Which means that I don't force myself to go out because Simone and Joséphine are begging me. Which means (also) that I do not say “yes” to this work mission to be well seen when this mission will end in sleepless nights. And so on. We take our place.

Tune in to positive sentences

Advice seen and reviewed in a thousand articles? Perhaps. But if we talk about it so much, it's because it works. So what exactly is repeating positive sentences to yourself? Quite simply, it is about thwarting his thoughts when they start talking about anything (you are bad, you can't do it, you saw yourself …). Right away, we stop his mind (because he doesn't know anything about it, in fact, well let's say that he tells us all this out of habit) and we correct it with a positive affirmation: I'm good, I'm going. arrive, etc. It may seem ridiculous to you, but through this reflex, we can really change. To go further, we launch ourselves into a daily exercise: we repeat encouraging phrases and inspiring mantras, which our brain will print. This is the principle of auto-suggestion.

Don't listen (too much) to others

Ah, the others, we love them. But sometimes they deteriorate our self-esteem through criticism. It's not willful (although toxic people exist), not mean (baddies exist too), but it just breaks us in three. All it takes is for a friend to tell us, "Can you do yoga? "So that our brain does only one turn and concludes (too bad) that we really suck at yoga. Worse: we will also find ourselves unable to believe in it (little self-pity). Our good resolution, from there: we make the choice not to confide too much and to keep at a distance the gaze, opinions and remarks of each other, which are often based on their personal experience and their emotions. . Also, they tend to "freeze" us in a state, a personality. But hey, for this last point, let's not castigate anyone: indeed, we too think we know others to the point of being able to answer for them (but we are wrong).

Avoid comparing yourself

Comparing yourself to others, to stars, to neighbors, it's not that bad. Why ? Because it's inspiring. Only, when it comes to healing your self-esteem, the comparison reflex is not so laudable. In general, we consider that other people are better than us, so we give them a good rating, but not so good either, because we must not mess around: to protect ourselves, our brain makes sure to criticize others (and it's good for mental health). But the worry is that giving Jean-Paul a "correct" rating, and because you think Jean-Paul is still more talented than us, you give yourself an even more deplorable rating. Do you understand the mechanism? Review your copy.

Relax and take care of yourself

For better self-esteem, let's not hesitate to give ourselves moments of well-being. Which report ? The relationship is simple: when we pamper ourselves, we feel good with ourselves, we thank each other, we team up. It's better than sabotaging yourself all the time by indulging in self-criticism. So yes to this walk in the forest, to this bath, to this series, to this body massage, to this super enlightening personal development book. At the same time, we don't forget that self-esteem goes through the "physical", that is to say getting ready, because body and mind work together! The idea is not so much to put on makeup or buy four jeans (even if it feels good, we agree) but to get in the right mood. If you feel good in your sneakers literally, well you feel good in your sneakers figuratively. In other words (because we like metaphors a lot): when we have a good self-image literally (what we see in the mirror), we have a good figurative self-image ( self-esteem, therefore).

Review your beliefs

We are beings full of beliefs, that is, we think things are "like this and not otherwise". Of course, our beliefs are strictly personal. We develop them as a child and according to what our parents say about us, about the world, about others, and then over the course of life, according to our relationships, our meetings, our experiences. Thus, people believe that "the weather is never on my side", that "I lack general knowledge", or that "if I go to see a psychologist, they will take me for crazy". So many brakes! Because all this, in reality, belongs to us. This is our view of the world, our way of thinking, but it is not "true". The idea, then: to become aware of your beliefs and start from scratch.

Relativize the notion of failure

A failure, precisely, feeds our beliefs. If I'm convinced that I'm the first fool when it comes to changing a wheel and I can't change a wheel, I go for it. It is time, therefore, to reconsider the notion of failure. Failure is essential for success. It sounds crazy but it isn't. It's when I try that I improve, and I improve even more when I fail. Because it is in the failure that I take stock, that I think of other solutions, that I realize my mistakes. Also in failure I find the energy to learn and surpass myself … and overcome my fears of another failure. So yes, we take the bet to bounce back from our failures, and too bad if they multiply, because contrary to what we imagine, failure is good for self-esteem, but if faced with it, our first feeling is slightly negative.

Become her best friend

When a friend tells you about her troubles and claims she's screwed, what do you say to her? That she is going to be okay and that she is extraordinary, that her problems are not without solutions and that success is part of her personal journey. See how much she's accomplished so far! So now imagine that friend in front of you is you. And it's funny, because in front of yourself you are suddenly much less friendly and positive. To boost your self-esteem, you choose to consider yourself a friend. There you are, one of your best friends, one of your main allies. You will now focus more on yourself, accept your emotions better, and hold hands better. Thus, the level of your esteem will skyrocket.

Play the operation seduction

And we will leave you on that, on this piece of advice which makes you wonderfully think about it and which begins with a question: how do you seduce? What do you do during the seduction phase? So you might say that you have such a lack of self-esteem that you don't know how to seduce, but in reality you have a little idea. When you seek to seduce an individual, you pay attention to him, you listen to him, you spoil him (he told you about this salsa class and presto, you book), you surprise him, you compliment him, you encourage, you are attentive to his emotions, his desires, his health, his values. What if (we come), you decide to seduce yourself in order to love yourself more and at the same time strengthen your self-esteem? In short, engage in a seduction operation to get in touch with yourself, because gaining self-esteem can take a little time. It’s work, a process, but it’s more than playable.

What about children's self-esteem?

As parents, it is important to you to boost the self-esteem of your children, so that they have a good image of themselves. How to go about it ? The advice given here is just as valid: have confidence in your children and let them experience things for themselves. They are wrong ? They fall ? Regardless, they are learning and familiarizing themselves with the notion of failure, which will not be so dramatic to them. At the same time, value their success and do not criticize them “stupidly”, but always constructively. They will then become aware of their skills. Help them put problems or disappointments into perspective, do it with humor and in a positive way. One way for kids to hear that mistakes aren't that big and that the important thing is always to go for a ride! Finally, let them express their emotions – fear, joy, sadness – so that they discover themselves and realize that emotions are strengths.

In summary, the keys to swapping low self-esteem for great self-esteem:

• We don't take our negative thoughts at face value. They don't always tell the truth. We counter them with a positive word.
• We listen to our needs and feelings, and we think of ourselves first before thinking of others. It's not selfish. The idea is simply to be in harmony with yourself and not to forget yourself in order to be loved. That doesn't mean you have to make a choice between yourself and others, just find the balance. Our relationships will only get better!
• We act with ourselves as we would act with our best friend. A way to regain importance, to really take care of yourself, to better manage your stress and problems, and ultimately to love yourself.
• We do not dramatize failure, we even tell ourselves that failure is rich in lessons, and that thanks to it, we progress. A concept that wishes us good.
• We take action, because it is in the action that we get to know ourselves and that we discover that yes, we are capable. Our self-confidence is growing, our esteem too!
• You don't confuse self-esteem with a bloated ego. Being aware of your skills and qualities does not mean that you are not aware of your flaws. You just know who you are, and that is the pillar of self-esteem.

What books to go further?

• The best-selling book " Imperfect, free and happy, practices of self-esteem " by Christophe André, published by Odile Jacob. A must for self-esteem!
• The book "50 self-esteem exercises", by Laurie Hawkes, Eyrolles editions, to get to know each other and challenge each other
• The notebook "Small exercise book: Self-esteem", Rosette Poletti and Barbara Dobbs, Jouvence editions, to take action!
• The book "Self-esteem, self-confidence, self-love: The three pillars of success" by Patrice Ras, Jouvence editions, to strengthen his determination and follow through on his life projects.
• The book of stories "Confidence and Self-Esteem – 3 Stories to Make Them Grow", by Isabelle Filliozat, to read to her children.

See also: Hello girls tells us their secrets to gain self-confidence

Video by Sophie angel