How to fight against micro-aggressions in dating?

"You are beautiful for a black woman", "You speak well for an Arab", "Where do you come from? "," You have a pretty face, it's a shame "," You're not like other gays "… So many remarks that may seem innocuous at first glance, but which are micro-attacks, targeting ethnic minorities, sexual, cultural, social marginalized. Sentences full of prejudices that can be very badly experienced by the people who are subjected to them.

43% of French people have already suffered a micro-aggression in their daily life

A micro-aggression is defined by a comment or behavior, intentional or not, which nourishes stereotypes and negative representations towards certain marginalized groups. These remarks can sometimes be so insidious that the author does not realize the impact they have. "Microaggression is less visible than physical assault, but it's just as violent because it has a repetitive side to it, so it's something you see quite frequently in a person's life.", explains Betel Mabille, training officer and expert on issues related to racism and discrimination. According to figures relayed by the dating application Badoo, 43% of French people have already suffered a micro-aggression in their daily life and 60% believe that they are commonplace in dating, women being the main affected. In particular, women of color, fat and lesbians who are sometimes fetishized, sometimes brought back to deeply rooted stereotypes.

When he released his documentary The big life of Marie on France.tv slash, director Marie de Brauer told us about grossophobic micro-attacks she was regularly confronted with on dating apps. Louise, creator of the Single Jungle podcast on celibacy, also confides having had to adopt strategies to "ward off grossophobes". “There are some who have said very clearly to me '' You shouldn't be listed here '', '' You should lose 15 to 20 kilos ''. At first I was confused, then I realized that there was a lot of paternalism on the part of some ", she says. "I made it into a strategy, I put in my profile my height and my weight, putting that I am 1m60 for 88 kilos, and if that does not suit you, do not like my profile. But even that wasn't enough, since I realized that some men don't read bios. So I ended up including a post among my photos "" looking for a non-grossophobic, non-racist, non-smoker man who has no issues with an adult female's pubic area. " It sometimes opened up the discussion on it. Some have asked me what grossophobia is ", specifies Louise, who has agreed to send us screenshots of some of the messages received.

Read also: What if we stopped the clichés about the sexuality of fat people?

Micro-aggressions but maxi-impact on mental health

"This shows that the injunctions to beauty are pursuing us even on dating apps, even there we will not be safe", regrets Louise. The difficulty when it comes to identifying microaggressions is that they are sometimes seen as compliments by their perpetrators, when they are real insults to the people concerned. “Some people really feel like they are doing something positive, like the famous 'it's too bad you have a pretty face'. My self-esteem is going well, but I think of all those who have complexes and who are very numerous ”, she says. For people of color, for example, experiencing racism in such an intimate sphere as love or sexuality has a huge impact on self-esteem. "I have had several experiences of racism on dating apps that I have used daily for several years", says Manon. “It ranged from discrimination like 'Sorry I'm not interested in black people' to the false compliment 'You have thin features for a black one. There is also fetishization. Some people compare me to ‘" chocolate ", say that I am" exotic "or that I am their fantasy. It's dehumanizing ", underlines the young woman.

For Betel Mabille, these micro-attacks are part of a form of "racial trauma" which can affect many aspects of life. Racial trauma is defined as a traumatic reaction to an accumulation of negative experiences related to racism. “For people politicized on the issue of racism, violence also comes in the recurring side. It is a universal experience. “You're beautiful for a black girl,” I think a lot of black women have heard that. The implication is racist and violent ”, develops the expert and anti-racist activist. In recent years, researchers have shown that the repetitive nature of micro-attacks eventually undermines self-image, sometimes leading to depression. According to studies by Robert T. Carter, micro-aggressions are even the most dangerous form of trauma, because they cause somatization: "Daily humiliations or micro-aggressions can produce damage or injury when they have a lasting impact or through cumulative or even chronic exposure to different types or classes of racism." According to a study published in 2013 by the University of Pittsburgh, microaggression is more dangerous than direct attack, because it can easily be minimized or even ignored, which leaves the victim in full doubt as to the legitimacy of this. that she feels, and the reality that surrounds her.

Educate yourself to fight better

It is to raise awareness of this societal phenomenon that Badoo launched the "Yes to beautiful encounters" campaign. The brand wants to encourage its users to overcome prejudices, which may prevent them from having great encounters. "It is difficult to be yourself when you are thinking about your weight, your sexuality, your skin color … Badoo wishes to offer a safe space to all those concerned, to encourage them to be themselves ", explains Ingrid Sikotty, brand manager, to Aufeminin. For the latter, dating apps are only a mirror of society "What happens in real life also happens on these platforms, and as a brand, we have this responsibility to ensure that there are fewer negative experiences.", insists Ingrid Sikotty. Betel Mabille believes that there is no right way to react to micro-attacks. "We do with what we have at the moment. It depends on how much time you have, how much energy you have. If it's a day when we've had dozens of micro-attacks, and we have yet another, we may be less inclined to do pedagogy. There are a lot of things that come into play ”, she specifies. Furthermore, those affected do not have to shoulder the responsibility of educating the uninvolved. You have to educate yourself, by reading books, listening to podcasts, watching movies or YouTube videos, following activists on social networks, doing your own research on Google …

In recent years, many Instagram accounts such as @pracisees_vs_grindr, @femmesnoiresvs_datingapps, @ptrans_vs_grindr or @femmesgrossesvs_datingapps have made it possible to open up mentalities and fight against racism, grossophobia, LGBTphobia, sexism or even sexism. An important initiative according to Betel Mabille: "Put forward and display these messages, it can be useful to people who will say to themselves ‘‘Damn, that’s exactly what I said two days ago to one person ’’, hoping there would be a challenge. It will also help the people concerned to realize what they may have gone through ". Finally, "It also gives a space of speech and exchange to the people concerned, who may feel alone in relation to their identity, by offering them a platform which shows that these experiences are shared and systemic", she concludes.