In her film "My baby", and her book "La vie en ose", Lisa Azuelos wonders about the syndrome of the empty nest and how to reclaim her life when the children leave the family cocoon. Interview.
“Who am I if I am no longer the mother of anyone?”. This is a question that many women ask themselves when children leave the family cocoon. Some even experience what is called empty nest syndrome. It is a feeling of loneliness and abandonment that a parent can feel when their children leave home. On the one hand, the parent is happy to see them blossom and take flight, on the other, he experiences a form of sadness, emptiness.
If this departure can thus be experienced with difficulty, it is also an opportunity to regain one's individuality. To refocus on yourself, on your desires and projects. To be yourself, without necessarily needing the other.
Through her last two works, Lisa Azuelos explores the syndrome of the empty nest. In the movie "My Baby", she tells the story of a woman terrified of seeing her youngest child leave the house. In the book "La vie en ose", she shows that it is an opportunity to dare to be innovative and to regain your individuality. Two different but related creations, in which many women recognize themselves. Invited at aufeminin to talk about Women, menopause and desire, we took the opportunity to question the director and author on this subject. Check out his interview.
The “empty nest” is a subject that comes up often in your creations, why?
Lisa Azuelos: “There isn't much difference between my life and what I create. I like to talk about what I know intimately, what I have studied, what I am, what I want. I assume that we all ask the same questions. For my part, I will try to find the answers and save women time and worry, before discussing it with them. Today, I'm at this stage of my life, so I'm talking about it. "
Is the departure of the children generally experienced in the same way by both parents?
THE. : “I think so, in homes where the parents are there. Men are not used to expressing this feeling. During the screening of 'My baby' at the Alpe d'Huez festival, 85% of the people who came in tears to say thank you at the end of the film were men. I did not expect that. They express part of their femininity, their creativity, with their children and their departure also upsets them.
On the other hand, I have noticed that there is another round of divorces at 50. Some couples tell each other that they have nothing to do with each other if they have no more children to raise. There again, it would have been necessary to be a creator of one's relationship, of one's love, to ask the right questions. ”
Is it more difficult for single mothers?
THE. : "Yes and no. If we already practice joint custody, no. If you're all alone with your kids, obviously that will leave a void, an even bigger call for air. But at least we have more to take care of a husband. We take a real kick in the buttocks that pushes us out. It's not a cold, it's a stroke. It doesn't make you ask the same questions.
What's not bad about the alternating custody is that it's training for this start. Every other week you have no children, you train. For women, it's a bit of homeopathic menopause actually. It makes you wonder 'who am I if I am neither the mother nor the wife of anybody'. This is a question I asked myself during my divorce. I had to reinvent myself. ”
How can this departure be experienced as a heartbreak?
THE. : “We got used to the house being responsible for their presence. A presence isn't just physical, it's a bond. Suddenly, it feels like that link is gone. But it's wrong. We don't lose our role as mothers because they are gone. That bond just took a little bit in the wing. What can be difficult is staying in the same house, because there is inevitably an absence of presence. "
How to reclaim your life when you have made a couple with your children?
THE. : “Already, we realize that we should not have made a couple to this point with our children. We should have learned to abandon them also from time to time. It’s not just the children who go, we can go elsewhere too. What annoys is precisely not to create an elsewhere when you are a mother. You adore your children 100% but you are not 100% your children.
Besides, we should not focus on the children who leave but ask ourselves 'where do I feel most creative, the most alive?'. This is a question we should normally ask ourselves every morning, no matter how old we are. Introspection must be done before they leave the cocoon. We cannot ask ourselves these questions when they arise. This is also about taking responsibility as a woman, to ask yourself 'how am I going to nurture being a woman?'
What if we haven't asked ourselves these questions before?
THE. : “That’s the whole problem with the character in my book. But the wonder of life is that we are still alive! We can do whatever we want. We talk a lot about letting go today, and we also have to let life enter us. Life doesn't come into us just because we make babies. This is also what we have to learn: how we welcome this constantly living presence around us. "
Do you have any advice for mothers who are going through this event?
THE. : “This is a great time to be a first time lady. There are all those first times we haven't explored yet! That’s silly, but to even wonder, ’What’s going to challenge me in the next hour or so?”. It may just be taking another route to the office. It doesn't have to be huge, but it changes our ways.
The fact that the children are leaving awakens us to this awareness of the void which is indeed a preparation for death. But it's not like finding out at 50 that you're going to die. In life, we prepare to die. But how do you prepare for it in a lively way? The first time is a great key, but there can only be first times by changing consciousness. "
Read also:
No, menopause does not mean the end of sex life
Menopause: 5 keys to living it better