how to get out of this behavior?


When the child does not accept opposition, easily gets angry and makes his own law at home, we speak of “child king”. Such behavior can cause real pain for parents. How to recognize a child king and what to do to get out of this behavior? We take stock with Catherine Verdier, psychologist.

Becoming a parent means immersing yourself in the unknown and learning on the job. Especially when it comes to a first child. But what to do when this parenthood, which we dreamed of and / or idealized, becomes a real nightmare? Some children indeed make their parents live through hell. And while it’s not intentional (it’s not about malice on their part, it’s just children), it is possible to feel hopeless and helpless. This is particularly the case with child kings. These children live in the pleasure principle and do not accept frustration or not on the part of adults. They become unmanageable for the family and do not obey at school as at home. Eventually, they can even become real tyrants. Why are they behaving like this and how can they get out? Explanations with Catherine Verdier, psychologist and therapist for children and adolescents, founder of psyfamille and author of several books including 50 benevolent activities to prevent bullying at school, published by Larousse.

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Video by Aurore Emonnot

Child king: what does it mean?

“A child king, as the name suggests, is a king. He is a dictator. He is a child who cannot stand frustration, who uses threats and intimidation in relation to his parents and those around him. He is a child who is constantly dissatisfied. He is restless and unstable. He has a sense of omnipotence and often behavioral disturbances. He is defined by his behavior “, explains the expert. He leaves no choice to his parents and knows no limits. He gets angry at no, has a sense of omnipotence, challenges the rules and causes his parents some suffering. In some cases, he may even be violent with his parents.

In his work From the child king to the child tyrant, the doctor in psychology Didier Pleux speaks of an “exacerbated individualism” to describe this behavior. He frightens parents, provokes them, does not accept constraints and is in opposition.

Child king: why such behavior?

For the psychologist, a child king does not have emotional deficiencies. Quite the contrary. “There is an overinvestment of parents, too much affection. These are children who are very capricious, who push to the limit and who are used to being in the principle of pleasure. According to Freud, there is the pleasure principle and the reality principle. These children are never in the principle of reality, because the parents keep them in a principle of pleasure, so that they do not suffer ”, she says. They make life easier for them by giving them all their pleasures, without confronting them with real problems or constraints. Often, without setting a framework and limit: “In general, the child is alone in power. He’s the one who decides. ”

Why do parents act as such with their children? “The reasons may be different. They can behave like that because they were too framed, even abused during their childhood. Or because it is in their mentality to leave a certain free will to the child. Either way, there is an inordinate love for this child. These are the parents who will overvalue the child ”, continues the specialist.

Child king: what consequences for the child and family life?

For Catherine Verdier, the child kings are children who are not contained: “That is to say that they do not know the no and they are constantly overflowing. They always go further and further and by dint of going further and further, the questioning behind it is ‘how far will I be able to go, how far I can push others?’ ”

However, this way of functioning generates anguish and anxiety in the child. They are suffering, without benchmarks and may encounter academic and social failure. “Children who have no limits become all-powerful and very vulnerable. They fall into failure at school and risk aborted socialization or dependence on addictions… We need a radical change of culture because, yes, of course there needs to be an asymmetry in the family ”, Didier Pleux already explained in the columns of Figaro.

As an adult, the child can behave like a real tyrant. In some cases, “He can become a narcissistic pervert”, warns our expert. Everything is due to them and there is never any opposition, it is they who decide. They have adaptation problems. Catherine Verdier tempers all the same: “These children should not be labeled because they can change over the years. “

A complicated family life

Family life is also affected by this behavior. A child king monopolizes all the place, there is only him who exists. If he has siblings, it becomes very complicated for them. “They have no more room, they have no voice, or else with violence”, she says, “When they’re little, it can make you laugh and be cute. But when they get really tyrannical, especially during their teenage years (the teen does what he wants when he wants), parents are desperate. They don’t know what to do, they are completely helpless and paralyzed. He is also a child who can also hit his parents. “

This kind of behavior can lead to parental burnout or even family breakdown, if the parents give up and kick their teenager out.

Otherwise, “These are families who see their friends desert. When these friends tell parents what’s going on, they either don’t hear at all or don’t want to hear. They think they are exaggerating. They are in denial. ”

Read also: Yes, helicopter parents are real dangers for their children

Child king: how to get out of it?

“In general, it is the school that raises the alarm. What happens at home also happens at school. These are kids who have oversized egos and behave the same with their peers. They are in the middle of the class and they are unable to take no or failure. When we put limits on them, they rediscover this principle of reality. But as they are not educated in this, there can be very violent anger, reactions ”, explains Catherine Verdier.

The first step is to recognize that we are in this family pattern. Then it may be necessary to see a psychologist or therapist. “It is not only the child who should be followed, but also the parents. In particular to see what is at stake in the education of the child and why we come to such situations. Is it really the parent who lets everything be done and that there is an education problem? Or is it a personality issue? Some children have very strong personalities and the parent will step down gradually. We work more with parents than with children. The problem is not the child. We must work on the origin of the problem ”, she adds.

“When it’s an only child, things are less easy to see because parents cannot compare. It is a fight between the parents and the child. When there are siblings behind, often the parents react faster. We must consult and not be ashamed to talk about it. The earlier we talk about it, the more we can manage to resolve this family dynamic so that it happens differently ”, she says.

Child king: how to avoid it?

For the expert, first of all, it is essential to come to understand what the words “limits” and “respect” mean: “Respect for oneself, respect for the child, respect for the development of the child and respect for what a child is. “

There are also signs that can help you see if your child tends to behave like a child king. “From the moment when it is a systematic fight and all the rules are contested, from 4-5 years old, it is necessary to alert and consult as quickly as possible”, explains the psychologist.

If you notice that he’s doing this and you’re having trouble setting boundaries, don’t hesitate to ask for help. However, to overcome it, you must not change your behavior with the child overnight: “We must keep a certain consistency in educational principles. You have to do it step by step. Start with an obligation per week, such as brushing your teeth at night or making your bed. We will not compromise on this obligation until he has integrated it. The day it is integrated, we add a second. These are small daily gestures that allow him to enter a certain reality. Also involve him in real and daily tasks. ”

For the specialist, enrolling her in a team sport is also a good idea, because it will teach her to lose and to play as a team, to accept others.

A child remains a child. From an early age, learn to say no to him and impose a certain authority on adults, while remaining benevolent.

Child king: books to go further