how to get out of this destructive love?

Jealousy is a human emotion that exists in a more or less moderate way within couples. According to psychiatrist Willy Pasini (Jealousy, Éditions Odile Jacob), 35% of people say they are very jealous, and 38% say they are "enough". Jealousy can be a pretty healthy feeling, proving our attachment to a loved one in our heart. But when she turns into an obsession, she becomes a real poison for the couple. The sickly jealous person fears that the one he or she loves will detach from him and betray him, convinced that he is unworthy of his love. It is this lack of self-confidence and self-love that affects their confidence in others.

What is sick jealousy?

In many situations, jealousy is not unhealthy. "It becomes really unhealthy when there is a recurrence of the phenomenon, the feeling of jealousy, and when the person feels it very intensely", explains Géraldyne Prévot Gigant, psychopractor specializing in love affairs and emotional dependence. Jealousy becomes unhealthy when it hurts both the person who feels it and the partner or partner who experiences it.

"The sick jealousy is a form of paranoia", emphasizes the expert. "In paranoia one is persuaded to be persecuted, in sickly jealousy one can be persuaded to be deceived and one will seek proof. Nothing will serve us as validation ”. The person then looks for signs that could prove that he is right: looking at text messages on his or her spouse's phone, monitoring his emails … The fear of losing the other becomes so strong that it invades to the point of suspecting the slightest gesture and gesture. "We will interpret the attitude of others, or the situation, and we will seek to validate what we are convinced of and it is a great suffering, because we lose contact with a reality", specifies Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. The permanent mistrust gradually poisons the life of a couple.

Jealousy in the couple, a proof of love?

Jealousy is a common feeling in the couple. “The natural feeling of jealousy can arise from time to time, in a specific circumstance, or in the face of specific personality types. It can happen when an ex shows up, we're going to be a little worried, that's normal ", reassures Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. "These are natural jealousies because we value our happiness and the harmony of our couple", she adds. Most of the time, jealousy is natural and healthy. "It is an indicator that the desire is still there, that the attachment is still strong, that we value our partner", says the psychopractor. It spices up the relationship and proves our attachment.

Excessive jealousy, a consequence of emotional dependence

Excessive jealousy and emotional dependence are often closely linked, confirms our professional. “Affective addicts with low self-esteem will always find others better. There is a sublimation of their partner and a devaluation of themselves which makes them feel in danger because the person who approaches their loved one is necessarily better ", explains Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. If the jealous person constantly believes that he is threatened with losing the other, it is because he does not believe he is up to the task and does not constantly believe and devalue himself. "This fear of abandonment is the worst fear and the biggest injury of the emotional addict, because ultimately all of this is based on a past history that we are afraid to relive and on beliefs created in childhood", estimates the shrink. This will disrupt the romantic relationship and make the person feel insecure. "There is a feeling of insecurity and the more or less conscious belief that you are going to be betrayed or abandoned anyway. So we need a need for consistency with our limiting belief and we will do everything to find the proofs of our argument ”, specifies the expert.

Unhealthy jealousy: how to get help?

Is it natural jealousy? Is it sick? It may be necessary to ask the question of repetition, recurrence and the degree of suffering. Géraldyne Prévot Gigant advises talking about it with his or her partner calmly. "Not in crises, panic, anger or despair, but to talk about it calmly, to confide in your fear in such a way as to leave the possibility to this or this partner, if he / she is benevolent or in expression, to reassure us and bring us back to reality ”, she explains. It can help soothe the person with unhealthy jealousy. If this is not enough or if it creates conflicts in the couple, do not hesitate to consult, as a couple or alone. For the psychopractor, questioning the past is essential to overcome this obsession: “What is certain is that there are wounds from the past that we must heal, which are very personal to us and which we bring into the couple. It is not a couple problem, it is our problem that comes to be embodied in our relationship ".

Regain self-esteem to get out of sick jealousy

Unhealthy jealousy indicates a profound lack of self-esteem. The jealous person feels unworthy of the affection and love he receives. He thinks that he is not good enough for his partner whom he admires and sublimates. "There is a whole lot of self-improvement work to do", according to the specialist. For saving their relationship, to get out of this destructive feeling, it is essential that the jealous person regains self-esteem and regains self-confidence. For Géraldyne Privot Gégant, breaking free from this spiral will go through three stages: healing wounds, understanding their origin and restoring self-image and relationship to oneself. An enhancement that involves self-esteem, self-confidence and self-love. "Three excessively important bases to help develop a sense of internal security", she concludes.

Thanks to Géraldyne Privot Gégant, psychopractor and author of 50 exercises to overcome emotional addiction (Editions Eyrolles), geraldyneprevotgigant.com