how to react to this behavior?

Passive-aggressive people play have a very special way of venting their anger. Like narcissistic perverts and manipulators, passive-aggressive people seem to add to the long list of toxic personalities to shy away from. Acerbic, unspoken remarks, smirks, criticisms… Are passive-aggressive people really perverts? And how do you deal with this irritating behavior? Ideas for reflection with Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant, psychopractor.

Passive-aggressive: a bit of history

Before focusing on passive-aggressive people, a little history lesson is in order. The term “passive-aggressive” appeared during World War II. US Army psychiatrists then noticed a form of “passive resistance” or “reluctant obedience” in some soldiers. Rather than refusing orders from their hierarchy, they used behaviors passive to get their messages across: procrastination, ineffectiveness, derogatory reflections or even reproaches … The definition was born. The term was later listed as a personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), before being withdrawn in 1994, when the fourth edition was published: their clinical description seemed too imprecise to the editors. Evacuated from psychiatric etiology, the term has not disappeared for all that. Since then, it has become democratized in our vocabulary and mixes with the category of executioners of the social bond, with narcissistic perverts and other manipulators.

What is a passive aggressive personality?

According to some theories arising from post-Freudian currents, passive aggressive behavior is above all a defense mechanism, partially conscious. It is a character trait, present in each of us to different degrees. “These are often people who are in conflict avoidance strategies but still convey messages of their tension. The passive-aggressive will not expose and say what they feel, their discontent, but will bypass frank and direct communication “, explains Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant, psychopractor. Behavior that can be difficult for the person in front to deal with. “If you’re someone fairly square, clear and transparent for example, it’s very uncomfortable, because it’s full of innuendo and unspoken”, emphasizes the specialist.

Passive-aggressive: the signs that never disappoint

• He’s a master of sarcastic remarks
• He often feels persecuted
• He avoids conflict, but lets you feel that something is bothering him about you
• He smirks, he laughs when you don’t expect it
• He always has the little criticism that makes you feel uncomfortable

Are we born passive-aggressive or do we become so?

According to Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant, passive-aggressive behavior finds its foundations in childhood. “This stems from narcissistic attacks in childhood which have consequences and make these people not going to be able to take on frontal conflicts. It is a latent aggressiveness because there is a lot of repressed anger ”, she exposes. These injuries, which date back to childhood, can be varied: relationship troubles, strict environment, a child with a parenting role, on whom too much responsibility has been placed. In short, “Anything that could have damaged the feeling of security, recognition and love”, summarizes the psychopractor. “This wound from the past will turn into permanent anger, deaf but very present”, she continues. So instead of undergoing, in adulthood, the person does undergo. “Its defense mechanism is this passive-aggressive behavior.”

Are we all passive-aggressive?

The desire to avoid conflict is widespread and present in all of us to varying degrees. On the other hand, we only become passive-aggressive when this behavior is recurrent. “If we are honest with ourselves, we can all remember a time when we acted passively-aggressively, says Félix-Antoine Bérubé to Psychologies. Distrust of the person making the request, unconscious desire to express such or such disagreement, true or false impression of being manipulated, the reasons for a passive-aggressive defense reaction are numerous ”.

How to react to passive-aggressive people?

Passive-aggressive behavior is toxic and extremely destabilizing to others. Faced with these individuals who provoke by their coldness and silence, it is very difficult to keep calm. “If it’s someone we work with, if we can reduce contact with them, that’s better. If we have not chosen this person emotionally, there is no point in suffering this kind of personality ”, says Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant. “If it is a friend, someone with whom we are in daily relationship, knowing / understanding will decrease the tension that we can feel when we receive spikes. Understanding that these people protect themselves in a way that is not very skillful, it can help to live a little better “, she continues. There is an attempt to destabilize the other in order to renarcissize themselves. “Either we do everything to avoid these people, or not to get into the game if we are committed with her on an emotional level. We must defuse this psychological game. It will require us, opposite us, to have an observation capacity and also to look at what it awakens in us, not to be in the reactivity ”, says the expert. Passive-aggressive people like to get angry because they can’t do it. “’But why are you putting yourself in this state?’ They then say. When it is taken to the extreme, the passive-aggressive join the perverse postures ”, adds Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant.

The strategy of false naive, which dismantles its arguments to identify its inconsistency, or the NVC (nonviolent communication) can make it possible to obtain a benevolent connection. However, if the narcissistic flaw is extremely high and the passive-aggressive gets you off the hook all the time, it’s best to end the relationship. Until the person realizes their problem, they will always think it is the other person who is at fault, not them.

Can the passive-aggressive change?

“It’s complicated but it’s not impossible”, warns Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant. “It depends on the degree of suffering of the person and the strength of their protective mechanism. It takes a tremendous amount of time in therapy, this is especially where awareness can occur ”, believes the specialist. “ If the passive-aggressive patient places a lot of trust in us, we can start to say “you understand that the sentence can be a little aggressive”? It is not really possible if it is with our husband, our wife or our sister ”. The psychopractor recommends that you identify moments of calm that are conducive to discussion: “When the passive-aggressive confides in a conflict he may have suffered with someone, it can be an opportunity to ask him ‘in what way did you tell him that?’ for example, and make people aware that we are responsible for the signals we send ”.

Thanks to Géraldyne Prévot-Gigant, psychopractor, geraldyneprevotgigant.com and author of 50 exercises to get out of emotional dependence (Eyrolles editions).

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Video by Virginie Incerto

Marion Dos Santos Clara

Lifestyle journalist, Marion writes on topics related to psychology, love and sexuality, from a societal perspective. From sexualities to new love codes, she deciphers the …