how to recognize and overcome it?

When the role of parent becomes insurmountable, both physically and mentally, we speak of parental burnout. In Belgium, this syndrome affects around 5% to 8% of parents, according to research by Moïra Mikolajczak and Isabelle Roskam, doctorates in psychology at the University of Louvain and authors of the book Le burn-out parental (editions Odile Jacob). And concerns both mothers and fathers. In France, if the figures are not yet known, they could be similar.

See also: Burn-out: these signs that should alert you

Video by Clara Poudevigne

Yet it remains difficult to detect for those who suffer from it today. Indeed, this state of depression linked to being parents is still considered taboo. Parents often find it hard to admit needing help or feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, so conditioned by the idea that parenthood should be a daydream. Thus, many are consumed with a sense of shame and guilt for failing to achieve their "parenting ideal" … even as all families go through times of crisis.

However, it is important to become aware of being in parental burnout, and to accept it, as the consequences can be heavy on parents, as on children. How to recognize it and how to overcome it? Elena Goutard, family and parental coach, enlightens us on these questions.

What is parental burnout?

“Parental burnout is a state of chronic physical and emotional exhaustion. Most often, it is an accumulation of family, relationship or even professional stress, which has an impact on the role of parent ", explains the expert. Before adding: "It can also be directly linked to the role of parent: we think in particular of single women with their children, or when a newborn baby arrives. People with burnout no longer have the resources to go about their daily lives. " The most perfectionist parents, eager to do well in all areas, are often the most prone to parental burnout. It should be known that this is an insidious evil, which sets in over time. Parents often do not realize their condition before imploding.

What are the symptoms of parental burnout?

“The parent is constantly tired, depressed. Rest does not relieve symptoms: we wake up in the morning as exhausted as the day before ”, continues the specialist. A certain distance from children can also be established: “We’re no longer showing signs of affection, we seem a bit absent. We no longer feel joy, even love, in the presence of children. " Often, the mother or the father in full burn-out is in automatic pilot mode: he performs the daily tasks like a robot, and no longer feels any pleasure. "There is also a tendency to avoid those around you: we delay the time to go home or to pick up the children from nursery or school", she says. The parent lives in a constant sense of failure and guilt. There is a certain saturation and loss of pleasure in the role of parent, a feeling of not being able to cope anymore.

What are the causes of this burnout?

There are many causes of parental burnout; it is indeed not linked to one cause in particular. It can be physical and mental overload: too much to think about, to do on a daily basis, to carry on one's shoulders, without having sufficient resources. "Chronic fatigue and lack of sleep can also lead to burnout, especially among young parents", says Elena Goutard.

It can also be the result of "Emotional overflow", For example :

• If you have one or more children who are difficult to manage
• If there is a conflict with the spouse or children
• If one of our children has a serious illness
• If we are in the middle of a divorce or separation

“Parental burnout can be driven by emotional and physical overflow at the same time, as can either be. Note that the professional stress that we bring home can also have an impact on our role as a parent ", adds the expert. Lately, confinement and being around kids all the time has also had a big impact on the mental health of parents.

What consequences for parents?

“The consequences on the mental and physical health of the parent are numerous. We can suffer from trouble sleeping (it's a vicious cycle), eating disorders (such as loss of appetite) or even a drop or loss of libido. Depending on the person's state of health, we can have all kinds of physical symptoms, such as back pain for example ", explains the coach. In a recent testimony for aufeminin, Alba, a mother of four, recounted suffering from ankle edema from running around all day long, just before her parental burnout. Sometimes you suffer from physical symptoms, like eczema, and you don't realize that it can be directly related to an emotional discomfort.

Mental side, "You can become more irritable, more aggressive, with constant mood swings. We also try to isolate ourselves ". Sadly, "If we take too long to talk about it, it can go much further with the heart failing at one point, the inability to move or get out of bed. There is also a risk of depression. In very extreme cases, it can lead to suicide. "

Read also: Emotional exhaustion: when the signals show it's time to say stop

What about the children?

The consequences on children can also be serious:

• Feeling insecure, not being able to count on your parent
• Feeling of guilt
• Feeling lost in the face of the situation
• Develop aggressive behavior at home or outside or on the contrary, do everything to please the parent -> in both cases, the child does not live his child's life, he plays a role, wears a mask
• The parent can become violent, verbally or physically

Overcome parental burnout

The biggest difficulty with parental burnout is realizing it. Often it is not the parent who realizes that they have passed the stage of "maternal / parental exhaustion" but the doctor. The latter may have to stop you (if you are working) to rest, as well as to redirect you to a psychologist or psychotherapist. If you are considering therapy, be sure to find someone you trust. “If you feel judged or even more guilty during the appointment, change practitioner. You are not the problem ", says Elena Goutard. You can also consult a parenting coach, if your burnout is notably caused by a lack of limits at home and a lack of authority.

Don't be ashamed to talk about it, taking responsibility for your parental burnout is a necessary step in overcoming it. If the parent identifies their pain, they can recover quickly. Rest, take some time for yourself, and lighten your daily routine for a few weeks (to get into better habits, then). You can also participate in discussion groups on the subject, to find support.

In France, be aware that there are "Relais Enfants-Parents" to allow parents to drop off their children in a secure place, with professionals, and to enjoy a moment for two or alone. No need to worry: the children are having fun with each other and doing activities! Find out if there is one near you. Also, don't hesitate to enlist the help of your family if you can.

Read also: How to end this feeling of intense fatigue that overwhelms you?

Prevent burnout

In order not to sink into parental burnout, it is necessary to be very attentive to the warning signs. “Temporary fatigue quickly turns into chronic fatigue. When you feel like you are getting angry, irritable and you don't recognize yourself … You have to take action quickly and not think that over time it will get better ", says the specialist. Elena Goutard advises to listen to your body and to your emotions, to accept your feelings and to understand that it is fleeting. This goes through “Try to get your sleep back and eat well. Lighten their daily life either by establishing a better sharing of tasks within the couple, by removing tasks that are not useful or by putting children to work at home for example. Teaching them to participate in household chores is good for their development. "

Above all, you shouldn't feel guilty about getting angry or crying when you're exhausted. Ditto, don't be ashamed to leave your child an extra hour in nursery, daycare or school to have some time for yourself. "You have to take a small step every day to get by", she says.

Finally, the parental coach recommends "Limit access to social networks as much as possible, with this image of a perfect family and a never-exhausted mother". She explains: "It's completely illusory, it doesn't exist. You have to accept your life as it is and tell yourself that all families have difficulties too. We live so much in a society that prioritizes happiness at all costs that we become unhappy when we think we don't fit into that mold. It's dangerous. "

Books to help you

Today, several books are available on the market to help you overcome this parental burnout and find pleasure in your role as mom or dad: