Arguments, silent meals, locked rooms… In adolescence, it is common to feel our children drifting away and have trouble keeping in touch. But then how not to despair?
Every child is unique and every parent will tell you that. But all parents go through phases, more or less striking and sometimes similar with their child(ren): Among them, there is in particular adolescence, a complex period when we sometimes no longer recognize our offspring and above all we no longer know how to approach it.
For the past few months, your teenager has been imposing a certain distance between you and him and as soon as you try to talk to him, he gets angry. You don’t understand why he is constantly in opposition to you and why he has become so aggressive. He stubbornly refuses to communicate, he finds you intrusive and authoritarian and yet, you only want her good… How to make him understand and return to a peaceful relationship? Célia Levasseur, pediatrician in a public maternity ward and author of “Guide for young parents who don’t want to die of exhaustion” (Nathan) gives you some leads.
Adolescence, a slavery to hormones
Adolescence is the crossroads between childhood and adulthood. The WHO defines this period as a stage that goes from 10 to 19 years and it is a period that is both difficult for parents and for children. In question, the development of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls risk taking, which is not yet completely finished during puberty.
Studies, says the British site The Independent, proved that the succession of hormonal changes in the brain during adolescence is responsible for these behaviors. High levels of these hormones in the blood are associated with stronger than usual emotional reactions. This explains why your child slams the door in your face, shouting, wallows in an aggressive silence or encounters difficulties in his social life. First of all, don’t forget that it’s abouta natural biological phenomenon.
He’s starting to fly on his own
When the children are still young, they cannot live without us and are completely dependent on this parental attachment. “Children are planes and they need their aircraft carriers: parents”, explains the pediatrician. “It is then important that the parent is well because the aircraft carrier must be solid.”
When your child enters adolescence, its role in its development is no longer the same. He who could not develop without this parent-child interaction, now tends to turn his back on you and no longer speak to you. “This is perfectly normal”, reassures us the doctor. “The job of a teenager is to detach himself from his aircraft carrier and fly on his own.” She adds : “Above all, you have to let him do it and trust him. Let him go to camp, see friends… You have to accept that your child separates.” Sometimes pulling away a bit or letting them decide can make you closer.
Another aspect that influences the way of life of adolescents is the importance they place on acceptance by their peers. “Finally, when a child passes into adolescence, he exchanges aircraft carriers: naturally, he will go to his friends”, says Célia Levavasseur. It is therefore normal for your child to detach, it’s part of his evolution. It is then a question of mourning the little boy or the little girl that was his teenager and of starting the journey to discover this new person who is being born before your eyes.
Remember your own adolescence
The adolescence of his children is the moment on the graphs of the lowest happiness coefficient of our lives. This means that if this is a difficult time for you, it is the same for many other parents. It is firstly about play downstarting with remembering our own adolescence.
This detachment can often rhyme with conflicts. This too is perfectly normal and healthy. The adolescent tends to believe himself to be all-powerful and wants to experience everything. By pushing his parents to their limits, he truly knows the limits not to cross. In this way, he evaluates the hierarchy of prohibitions and determines what is important and what is less.
Scientific studies have shown that when an adolescent’s mother’s voice was played in an MRI, an alert zone was activated in his brain. It’s a hard reality to accept when you’re a parent, but here’s what you have to do: a child is not yours and he is indeed a whole person.
Be present without being intrusive
As a parent, it is normal for you to want to secure your teenager and it is important to do so to some degree. Be there for him maintain attention to show that you are there if needed without being intrusive. “It is for example leaving a post-it to wish a good day or sending a message of encouragement for a football match”, explains our interlocutor. It’s a balance that is not always easy, we grant you that, but you will find it at your own pace.
Finally, adolescence is a phase that your children will go through. This is a time when they feel the need to assert themselves as such and where arguing will be a way for them to show you that they are different. But above all, it is the proof that separation is possible without breaking the relationship.
Know also that the day when your child will be really bad, even if the day before he did not speak to you and that you had the feeling of being despised at the highest point, he will turn to you. You remain his parents first and foremost, don’t forget that.