how to reinvent intimacy in our patriarchal society?

Through books, podcasts, forums, voices are raised to deconstruct the intimate relationships that we know, with, in the viewfinder, the patriarchal society and male domination. How to rethink intimacy to fight against inequalities between women and men? Should we go so far as to question heterosexuality? Does the crossover in love allow you to be happier? What other models are possible?

Authors and researchers confronted their points of view on these questions during the Nos Futurs festival, organized from March 21 to 26 in Rennes by Free Fields, Sciences Po Rennes, Rennes metropolis and “Le Monde Campus”. Find all the discussions in the podcast “Our futures, the floor for the next generation”.

With the participation of :

• Camille Aumont-Carnelauthor of#Teenexo. The reference sex education guide! and creator of the Instagram account @Jemenbatsleclito,
• Lauren Bastidejournalist, creator of the podcast “La Poudre”,
• Isabelle Clairsociologist, director of research at the CNRS within the Institute for Interdisciplinary Research on Social Issues (at the Ecole des Hautes Etudes en Sciences Sociales),
• Thomas Messiasteacher and journalist, creator of the “Mansplaining” podcast,
• Louise Morelauthor of How to become a lesbian in ten steps (Out of reach).

Climate, employment, social justice, media… Find all the episodes of season 2 of the podcast “Our futures, the floor for the next generation” here.

The “norm”: the couple and heterosexuality

Isabelle Clair In all social circles, the “conjugal norm” is to be a couple in heterosexuality. From the age of 14-15, this even appears to be an ideal. The idea is then born that if we are desired by anyone, it means that we are not desirable. Then, the closer you get to adulthood, the more of a problem it becomes not to have been able to demonstrate what is called a “love relationship”. With or without feeling, moreover. The couple creates a social status.

Heterosexuality also imposes itself as a norm, with everyone having their own role. Little girls are sexualized very early, in a conventional way. They expose themselves to the stigmata of the whore, that is to say of the girl who takes the lead, who transforms boys into objects, who can express her sexual desire without any sentimentality. Among boys, the parade of the couple is a way of proving that they are real guys, therefore heterosexual boys who want the right object, who know how to take the initiative, since it is from them that we expect they undertake the sexual and amorous encounter.

But in recent years, especially since #metoo, perceptions of what passes, of what no longer passes, of what is bearable, of what goes without saying, of what does not go without saying… are changing. Norms that are transmitted from generation to generation are no longer transmitted identically. There are desires to unravel. There is politicization. And then there’s also ordinary life, all the songs, all the movies we’ve seen, everything we’ve been rocked by, our own desires, which are oriented. Breaking with all that requires a form of voluntarism, an awareness that is particularly difficult to develop from the age of 14 or 15. We are therefore at a time when two things are happening. At the same time a new real breath and at the same time, this perpetuation in the ordinary relations of two very anchored structures, because certain social groups have no interest in seeing that change.

Questioning heterosexuality

Lauren Bastide Kids are programmed to be heterosexual. I saw it in particular when I became a mother myself. In the playground or in front of the school, as soon as two 5-year-old children of the opposite sex play together, there is a conditioned reflex – found among teachers, but also among parents – to say: “Oh, they are both in love! » Except no! These children are 5 years old and they ride scooters! Why put sexuality in this friendship between two children who are just having fun? I have always told my children: “Here, if one day you have a lover…” and for them it was not even a question. But there is nothing to do: there is always a moment when the information will reach them that the norm will be to be in a relationship. And as a heterosexual couple.

I think we have to take a moment to define what we mean by heterosexuality. Heterosexuality is not sleeping with someone of the opposite sex, it is not having desire for someone of the opposite sex. Heterosexuality is a system that envisages the destiny of a human being, such as finding someone of the opposite sex, putting yourself in a small house, spending your life making love with this same person, having children, a shared washing machine, etc. It is a kind of economic, administrative, family programming. This creates a sort of arrangement of society which will ultimately allow everything to be put in its place. This way of arranging our lives is in fact extremely recent and obviously has a capitalist aim.

The choice of lesbianism

Louise Morel I am often asked: “What is the trigger to become a lesbian? » Each time, I am a little embarrassed, because there is no click. I think it’s more a path and a series of awarenesses that add up, accumulate, reinforce, sometimes contradict each other. In recent years, I have taken a step back from my history and I see that I was really obsessed with being in a relationship with men when I got little pleasure from it. I realized that there were a lot of heterosexual couples around me who were not working well and everyone welcomed them like it was the best thing in the world. When I found myself single, I asked myself questions: do I really want to dive back into dates with guys where I have to look a little less intelligent than them, where I must not speak too quickly, or I must not laugh too loudly, etc. And I said to myself: “Well, maybe not! »

To what extent do we want to save heterosexuality from itself? Let’s invent something else, do it differently. When I see all the energy that so many women deploy to save their couple, I want to say: “save yourself first and you will save your couple afterwards”. But in fact, once you’ve been saved, you probably won’t want to spend that energy and that time doing the total rehabilitation of someone (your companion) who, moreover, doesn’t always lend itself to very good faith in the exercise.

Young people and sexuality

Camille Aumont-Carnel What I feel a lot in young people is first of all a fed up. “It pisses us off, all that. We just want to be connected. » And that connection, whether emotional, romantic, loving, sexual, energetic, is all that matters. There is also a real desire to feel good about one’s sexuality and to completely deconstruct discourse.

But I also sensed a kind of anguish in them. Overall, I find that it is a generation that is very lost. I call it the “ass between two chairs” generation. This is the generation that has never had so much access to resources and events, like this meeting, like Instagram accounts. But it’s also the generation that has never had so much access to pornography. mainstream. In France, the question of the gaze of the other comes up all the time: “Will if I do this, people will think I’m a whore?” » Or : “Are people going to think I’m stuck?” » Most of their energy, young people use it to get rid of all that. They have trouble because of the way others look, because of what the press says, because of the patriarchal society, but in fact it’s nice to see, because there is a desire for information, of construction.

So, how do we manage to be in contact and that it goes well beyond the couple, the “trouple”, the sex plan? I believe that the education of children is THE subject. For example, three-quarters of the teenagers I talked to couldn’t give me the definition of consent. When I asked the question “Have you ever experienced sexual violence? »60% answered me ” No “, 20% answered me ” Yes » and 20 % answered me ” I don’t know “. 20% of ” I don’t know “, it’s the countless number of people who realized, talking to me on the phone, that they were victims. But this awareness of the whole historical construction of gendered society can sometimes be more painful than liberating.

Men after #metoo

Thomas Messias I am a teacher in high school and I have the impression that the girls are asking questions, trying to deconstruct, to question norms, while the boys are lagging behind. The men they become do not at all take the measure of the societal changes that are necessary. And when they express a beginning of awareness, they say: “I want that to change, because there are still my mother and my sister…” But apart from their mothers and their sisters and possibly their daughters, the other women in the world do not exist! Beyond their very small perimeter, men don’t care that other women in France and around the world can have the same rights as them, the same freedom.

The company, even if it is still too weak, tries to enshrine the fight against discrimination in the law or in certain company regulations. Indeed, men must have no choice. We have to face the pain we produce, the violence we produce, the lives we destroy. We are all part of the problem and we all need to think about it together. This leads us to rethink our sentimental relationships in the broadest sense of the term, that is to say love but also friendship. Wouldn’t these be notions that we could rework, either by merging them, or on the contrary by distancing them from one another? What does this someone represent with whom I want to be in a relationship, to make a home, to make a family? He’s someone who’s going to take care of me and not someone I want to be in a relationship with because that’s what society says and who then is probably going to do me more harm than good.