You come home and barely closed the door, your children attack you and you can’t manage because they still have to take their bath, eat… A long tunnel is coming. How to get out?
The evening tunnel, an expression that you may not have known before, but since you are parents, it has been an integral part of your life. The end of the day can be a real tunnel where between leaving school and the children’s bedtime, your time is all about homework-bath-dinner-sleep. And this program is often far from happening in the calm as you would like after a hard day’s work.
This evening rush is the tragedy of all modern parents, who both work late at night and are exhausted when they find their children. Some even describe it as a “second day” because the effort required is sometimes more tedious than at work. In any case, this tunnel is often a test and above all a race against time as we try to do everything quickly. But then how to survive and not get caught up in this tsunami? Célia Levavasseur, pediatrician in a public maternity ward and author of “Guide for young parents who don’t want to die of exhaustion” (Nathan) shares his advice with us.
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The wrong time
“The evening tunnel, which I call the “bad hour”, usually occurs around 6-7 p.m.when the parents pick up the children and it is necessary to manage the sequence of bathing-cooking-eating-going to bed”, explains the pediatrician. The parents, then exhausted, are often not available for their children. The latter, having contained themselves during the day, are generally nervous, excited, angry,… and need to discharge themselves. “Kids Are Airplanes and After School They Need Their Aircraft Carriers: Parents”, says Célia Levavasseur. “But in general, the parents, themselves tired, are not receptive.”
Mélanie, mother of 4 children including 15 month old twins confirms: “When I arrive at 6:45 p.m., it’s on fire! They all jump on me. They each have different needs because they’re not the same age. I can’t take advantage of them at that time, I’m in the pilot automatique.”
Take 15 minutes and be emotionally and psychically available
The most important thing is first of all to give time to your children. “When you get home, take 15 minutes and be emotionally and psychically available to welcome a child who can’t wait to see his parent again”, begins the pediatrician. “This is a very important moment because it will both calm the child and provide him with an area where he can rest to explore the end of his day, serene..” The child will then have had his dose of aircraft carriers and will be more peaceful.
Put yourself in your child’s shoes: when you’ve had a difficult day and you go see a loved one, if they listen to you long enough, you will spontaneously feel better. The author tells us:In medicine, studies have shown that if left alone, a patient speaks for an average of 3 minutes before calming down. So if you give your child 15 minutes, that’s enough.”
In short, instead of rushing into the kitchen to start the meal while checking Pronote: sit down calmly with them, put yourself at their level and listen to them.
A second trick is, after the 15 minutes, to explain the program that will follow : “Now we’ll cook, then we’ll take the shower, then we’ll eat and finally we’ll go to bed.” This allows to give a frame to the child. The pediatrician adds:Do not hesitate to carry out the tasks with your children, make them participate in the meal, do things together, it’s a shared moment and it teaches them about real life.”
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Give your child quality time
These privileged moments are very important, but giving 15 minutes to your children is not enough if this moment is not qualitative. For it, full presence is the golden rule : no telephone, no TV, no screens, no radios…”You have to listen because welcoming the negative emotions of your children is also the job of parents.”, explains the pediatrician. “It teaches them in particular that we have the right to speak, to be vulnerable, to say that it has not been good. We listen to them, we cuddle them, we give them the comfort they need.”
In the case of large families and especially if you have a baby, the tips mentioned are just as valid and you can, while you give these 15 minutes to your adults, carry your baby in a sling, breastfeed him, hold him against you. “A baby needs physical contact”, assures us Célia Levasseur. If you are there with the other parent, it is also an opportunity to share this time of attention. Go with the grown-ups to their room to help them with homework while dad hands the mash to the youngest. You are a team, don’t forget that.
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But don’t feel guilty
“Today’s parents need to lower the bar because perfect parents don’t exist”, insists the author. “Women tend to get ideas in their heads even before pregnancy about what they will or will not do and this list, they can throw it away right away.” When you’re tired, it’s normal to want your children to go to bed to be quiet, it’s normal not to always eat a balanced diet, to make frozen foods for a year if you don’t have time,…”We do as we can and not as we want.”
“And above all, don’t be ashamed to get help and don’t hesitate to ask for it.”, specifies the pediatrician. “Also keep in mind that some ages are harder than others and no matter what, there will always be ups, downs andyou can’t always be on top.”