how to teach the prohibited gestures to our children?

Incest is a scourge in France, and although this discussion is feared by parents, it is essential to talk about it with children. Homayra Sellier, founder and president of the association "Innocence in danger", explains how to proceed.

"Silence is enough". On January 7, Camille Kouchner published "La Familia grande", a book in which she tells how her 14-year-old twin brother was sexually abused by their stepfather, Olivier Duhamel. A shock wave in the media sphere, but above all, a new opportunity to break the silence around incest. In the wake of this case, many Internet users have indeed seized on social networks to testify to the incestuous crimes of which they were victims.

See also: Incest, parles-en

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Video by Nathalie Barenghi

Thousands of messages which unfortunately reflect a real social phenomenon: in France, 1 in 10 French people claim to have been the victim of incest (or 6 million French people), according to an Ipsos poll published in 2020. If in 2009, they were already 2 million to declare themselves victims, this figure has tripled in recent years. And yet, the taboo around incest is still very strong.

Today, if the tongues are loosened, associations and victims hope that this will make things happen. In the meantime, a role falls to parents of young children, that of informing and warning them of this danger. Indeed, according to Homayra Sellier, founder and president of the association "Innocence in danger", talking about incest with your children is essential. “It's important to talk to the kids about it because it's a pandemic. France has for years been steeped in a culture of rape, where adults could easily dispose of a child's body, as if the child belonged to them. We now realize that incest is a real scourge and above all that the physical, psychosomatic and psychological consequences are very serious. It's like a time bomb that destroys everything in its path for years. The victims take life ", she says. Before adding: "We have to really take an interest in this subject as a social and public health phenomenon and erase this culture of rape. For years, we closed our eyes, it was a taboo subject. Yet if I told you that one in five children has a disease that can kill them, we would all have thought about this problem. We are in the same case. "

Read also : Incest "A secret under duress is not a pretty secret": teaching children to speak without fear

Speak, explain prohibited gestures

So, how do you approach incest with children, especially if as a parent you dread the subject? For our expert, you must first of all not be afraid yourself "Because the child is a real sponge". You have to take the time to explain to him to make him understand that his body belongs to him "And that no one, including their parents and family, is allowed to touch certain areas of their body". You can show them these areas using a doll, for example.

“From the age when a child can wash on his own, he must be taught that private areas are private. To do this, you have to name things by their name and therefore, not give nicknames to private parts (such as zizi or small flower, editor's note) because the child needs to know the real words ", says the president of Innocence in Danger. And explain: " If the child uses nicknames when recounting the assault or rape, it may not be taken seriously in court. Children need to know what a vagina and penis are called, so that they can better recognize prohibited gestures and can talk about them. This is all the more essential as the adult will play on this vocabulary to make the child believe that he has done something else to him, that he has just "tickled" him. "

If you dread this discussion, Homayra Sellier recommends seeing it as telling her to wash your hands when you come home from school. "You have to talk about it with the child very calmly, answer his questions, offer him reading on the subject to better understand. You have to take the time, it is the responsibility of each parent to teach them what is allowed and what is not. For example, you can tell her, 'We are not allowed to touch your private parts, even mom and dad, and that's why I'm asking you to wash yourself. " It’s not the child who is afraid to have this discussion, because he has not yet integrated the taboo. That's why you shouldn't be afraid to broach the subject and answer all of its questions, adapting to its age. The expert recommends that you wait until your child is 4 to 5 years old to talk about it.

Books to talk about incest with children:

What to do if you suspect incest?

Unfortunately, incest is a tragedy that does not happen only to others, and some parents find themselves helpless as soon as they have the slightest suspicion. Here is the procedure to follow, according to Homayra Sellier:

  • Observe the child's behavior, if he refuses to take a shower, if he has a rash, if he has nightmares, if he says he has a stomach ache, that he is vomiting, does not want to not eat, etc. When such a drama occurs, there are often behavioral changes that can put us on the trail.
  • If you have doubts about joint custody (or after staying with your family), be sure to keep the child's underwear for analysis.
  • If the child does mention it, take a doll, and ask him or her to show you what happened.
  • Make an appointment with a family doctor, a psychotherapist, a psychiatrist to understand what the child has gone through and to have a medical certificate. Healthcare professionals have an obligation to report this kind of situation.
  • Go to a police station or a gendarmerie to report, file a complaint. Get a lawyer, take action, and knock on the door of an association if necessary.

“Then we hope there is an investigation. The more evidence of a legal nature (report of doctors, witnesses, etc.) is provided in the file, the more likely it is that an investigation will be carried out ", explains the specialist, “Unfortunately in France there is no support for victims of incest. Associations offer it to a number of victims when they can, but otherwise it is non-existent. This is a role incumbent on the state and the support for victims should indeed be handled properly by specialized psychotherapists and psychiatrists. "

After the Duhamel affair, Emmanuel Macron announced a new series of measures against incestuous crimes, including "punishing criminals for their past acts and to prevent any recidivism". It also promises better support for victims, with reimbursed psychological care. Nevertheless, a bill recently passed by the Senate created controversy. The latter aims to criminalize all sexual relations with minors under the age of 13. An age much too young for militants and associations. “This bill is of great concern to me because 13 years is too early. Sexual majority is at 15 and we set the consent threshold at 13, which is very contradictory. You have to be 18 to smoke, buy alcohol, get your license, vote. We consider that before this age we do not have the discernment to do these things. So how can anyone imagine that a 13-year-old could consent. We're talking about sex with an adult! A child is never consenting! ", launches Homayra Sellier. Before concluding : "I very much hope that the National Assembly will reject this proposal and that we will go up to 15 years, as it should be. Like a civilized country. We cannot have a rape culture in France in 2021 when people all over the world are expressing their fed up with all these cases that have passed under the carpet. Even more here, because the French can't take the silence anymore. "

Here are the associations that can help you and the numbers to call: