Hurt feelings? : This is how your soul heals – even if you don't think it's possible

Is love the answer to all questions? Not quite. It also provides quite a few. Psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg answers them all. Today's question: How do I get rid of my hurt feelings?

In a nutshell:

By accepting it.

Now in detail:

Readers keep asking: "Can I fall in love again after a great love that has failed?" Or: "If my disappointment is so great, can I ever love again?" Myra experienced it.

Big love and then big disappointment

When she was 25, she believed she had found the love of her life. They wanted to go to the USA together, they wanted to get married. And then, after three years, he suddenly disappeared. Without justification, without announcement, without dialogue. We call it "ghosting" today. After that, she never had a relationship again. When she tried once, the man soon returned to his ex. Myra only thought about what she was doing wrong, what was wrong with her, and that she, by now in her mid-30s, was heading for eternity as a single.

It is a perfectly sensible tendency of our psyche to want to find out how we can avoid a mistake made in the future. But love is too complex, too ambiguous, to find clear causes for failure. In retrospect, it often seems as if we have overlooked signals. But weren't there always good reasons to do that?

When love ends painfully, it is better to think of it as a love accident. Because breakups are like accidents: incredibly painful, but they happen. Despite all caution, all mindfulness, all efforts. When love partners turn away from us, it not only damages our trust in relationships. As with accidents, we experience above all an overwhelming loss of control. We cannot protect ourselves from that. We can never be sure that it won't happen again. But most of the bike rides go well. And most breakups lead to new relationships.

After a painful disappointment If our head cinema rattles, we endlessly play through the situations again. We think about it all the time, wanting to understand what happened. But we can't just shake off the terrible feelings like that. We have to actively turn to them, look closely and allow them. It is necessary, but it is not enough for us to grieve and sob into the pillows. We have to accept the painful feelings as appropriate, as inevitable. Feelings that we shouldn't fearfully avoid. Otherwise they prevent us from living because they keep us from loving.

You are not solely to blame

To do this, we have to stop the senseless loops of thought. Why did we miss the curb? Why did he go? And most of all the charges against ourselves. We're not bad. A love has ended. Writing can help you find distance. But above all friends. And sometimes we need more intensive support, then therapy can help us to regain our self-confidence. In her, Myra first learned not to constantly look at herself, but at the situations that she experienced and had experienced.

But above all we have to get back on our bikes. A first date. Drive off carefully. Slow down when it doesn't feel good. But keep going, keep in touch, don't get down, keep looking for a love relationship.

There are no guarantees in life. But courage is worth it. Myra is no longer single.

Podcast

“Paaradox” is the new podcast with Oskar Holzberg and his wife Claudia. You speak openly about the issues that keep challenging relationships. Funny, exciting and insightful! I.a. on AudioNow.

Do you also have a "question of love" for this column?

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