“I have borderline personality disorder”

“My name is Barbara, I am 31 years old and I have borderline personality disorder.” Barbara’s story did not begin with tenderness. From a very young age, she wanted to harm herself. “I had dark thoughts, I wanted to swing out of the window. I always felt that there was something special about me,” she tells us. Thinking of hypersensitivity, she goes to a psychiatrist who diagnoses her with bipolar disorder. A little later, a second finally finds out what she is suffering from: borderline personality disorder.

But what is it about? This is characterized by a constant tendency toward instability and hypersensitivity in interpersonal relationships, instability in self-image, extreme mood fluctuations, and impulsivity. “We feel misunderstood and we see clearly that others do not understand. Our whole life is either black or white, either everything or nothing, we never manage to do it in half measure. Above all, there is constant self-destruction”explains Barbara.

Borderline disorder, anger and moodiness: what’s the difference?

“Being borderline is really a range of emotions. It’s so intense and violent, it’s not like just being moody”, declares the young woman. As for anger, it is much more present and important in people with borderline personality disorder than in those who are simply angry. “Hanger tantrums are not a cool thing to see. I have often said to myself that if I were filmed during these angry moments, I think I would freak out.”she half-jokes. “The only way we have to exorcise this emptiness we have inside us is drugs, partying, sex, etc. My thing was anger”.

Complicated romantic and friendly relationships

According to Barbara, borderline people are often hypersexual, but can also be hyposexual. “It’s two intensities, it’s either one or the other”. As for love itself, it is also difficult to manage and understand. “I don’t fall in love, but I fall in love with you very quickly. When you are borderline, you often confuse emotional dependence, fear of abandonment and self-sabotage with love”she assures.

“Sometimes we have crushes, we become obsessed and we want this person to be obsessed with us and we tell ourselves that it’s love when it’s just an obsession”, specifies the young woman. Conversely, “It only takes one thing that we didn’t like for the person to disappear from our life as if they had never existed”she adds.

Same observation for friendship. “I often change my circle of friends”admits Barbara. “I don’t know how many friendships I’ve had, broken, shattered or ended. I create contacts very quickly but I also dismantle them very quickly too. I think today I found my circle, but I’m 31 years old”, she assumes.

“Self-esteem issues are the story of my life”

Having borderline personality disorder means having complicated relationships with others but also with yourself. Hypersensitivity and lack of confidence, in particular, are present daily. “My fear of abandonment and commitment is omnipresent, especially in my romantic relationships. When I feel like I’m starting to love someone, I tell myself: ‘I know I’m going to suffer, I know he is going to abandon me anyway, so get out. I’m anticipating abandonment, it’s horrible”laments the thirty-year-old. “It’s super contradictory because on the one hand I’m a lover of love, I have a lot of love, tenderness and affection to give. But on the other hand, I’m a freak”she also indicates.

Self-esteem issues, too, often ruin the lives of borderline people. “It’s the story of my life”confides the young woman. “It’s once again very intense, very black or very white: either I have a major ‘god’ complex, or I feel like the worst shit. It’s very typical of the disorder”.

“It’s not your fault”

This lack of esteem and confidence, coupled with fear of abandonment and commitment, usually gives rise to a lot of self-sabotage and self-destruction. If this is difficult to live with, Barbara reminds us that it is not inevitable. “Of course, there is this void, there is this chaos, but there are people who understand you and who love you. If I made it, you will make it”she recommends.

Above all, she wants to remind you that borderline disorder is never the fault of the person who suffers from it. “It’s something you can’t control.”, she argues. Several factors can cause this disorder: heredity, but also lifestyle and environment. “Sexual abuse, psychological abuse or school bullying, for example, can traumatize you during your childhood or adolescence and promote the development of this disorder”.

Section head Society / Psychology / Couple /

Rights of women and children, violence, feminism, gender, discrimination, parenthood, education, psychology, health, sexuality…. Joséphine loves deciphering all the social issues that drive our world today. She you …