We know if sentences from English lessons. But have you ever heard of “If-Firmations”? Psychologist and podcaster Franca Cerutti says: They are the key to more ease.
BRIGITTE: There are people who are hit hard by life and still remain optimistic and sunny – and there are people who are objectively doing well but who still always find a fly in the ointment. Are we born with lightness?
FRANCA CERUTTI: How fearful or courageous, suspicious or trusting we approach the world is, like many personality traits, a mixture of innate and acquired. A loving upbringing can compensate for a difficult disposition. But even if that doesn’t happen, we can practice an optimistic attitude later in lifeand our resilience, i.e. our ability to withstand challenges and setbacks.
How does that work if I have always been a fearful and suspicious person and my environment has reinforced this?
It’s always about the question of how I can create the feeling within myself: Everything is good here and now, even if the world as a whole is not. All activities are suitable for this, that lead to a feeling of flow – whether I do something creative, something crafty, or consciously create beautiful experiences in nature. And it’s about self-efficacy: those who experience themselves as capable of acting, not as a plaything of fate, go through life more lightly.
Many people try to find lightness from outside: wellness weekends, after-work drinks, binge-watching. It’s good, but often the good feeling doesn’t last long afterwards. Why actually?
We are socially conditioned to equate relaxation with consumption. This is the most practical option, but not the best. Because it makes us dependent on external stimuli, makes us forget how to look inside ourselves and ask: What really brings me joy? When can I forget the time around me, what can I be completely absorbed in what I am doing?
The answer to this question may not be easy for everyone.
True. Not only because we are so stuck in the consumption loop, but also because we are so strongly oriented towards functioning. So used to crossing off what isn’t absolutely necessary from our to-do list first. Inspiration for a love of life often lies in one’s own childhood. We can ask ourselves: What excited me? Was I the tomboy, always outdoors, in a large group of children? Did I rather spend hours reading or painting? How can I get these energy sources back?
But isn’t it more the new, the adventurous, the unusual that gives us positive power?
As well as. And sometimes it inspires you to test your own limits. It doesn’t have to be anything spectacular. One of my patients, a woman with an anxiety disorder, has decided to regularly travel to an unknown city with the Deutschlandticket. In the evening she looks at the photos: I was there, I found my way around, I noticed that. No streaming platform can provide such a feeling of exhilaration. Because our brain only remembers things that are associated with emotionality, for better or for worse. We don’t have to do anything about the negative moments in life, they come by themselves. But we have to take action on the credit side.
Can the desire for light-heartedness actually paradoxically turn into the opposite if it leads to social pressure? So: all the beautiful pictures on social media in which people calmly do everything at the same time: job, sport, styling, family…
The word serenity contains the word “let”, not “do more”. Of course, it can be stressful if I think I have to use the cookie cutter to shape the cucumber slices for my child’s lunch box every morning. I can only advise you to do so Unfollow social media accounts that cause comparison stress. Because that is remarkably bad for mental stability. Instead, we should talk more openly about what goes wrong. Without it being a drama! Perfectionism is a great thing when it comes to a root canal or NASA is planning a space mission – otherwise it is a life-threatening concept.
More pessimistic contemporaries have a different method and say: I just don’t expect anything from life, then I can’t be disappointed.
This is a fallacy. Of course, if I assume, conversely, that the world is fair and everyone wants the best for me, then I have to fall flat on my face. But it’s not the big bad world’s fault, it’s my expectations, which were too high. But conversely, always expecting the worst is also harmful. Because research clearly shows: Going into relationships and contacts with a negative mindset leads to self-fulfilling prophecies. A prime example is jealousy: those who have only the worst expectations of their partner will radiate it, ask the appropriate questions, and react with control and distrust. This causes others to flee.
Conversely, can you condition yourself to be light – for example with positive affirmations of success, happiness and love?
I see this rather ambivalently, and in my practice I also experience people who say: Sorry, I can smile at myself in the mirror ten times and say, “Everything is fine,” but I just don’t believe it. But here’s the thing: There is research that shows that there is a promising alternative to affirmation. Namely the “If-Firmation”.
The what?
This is a play on words with the English “if”, i.e. “if” or “when”. The idea is to rephrase an affirmation into an “if” sentence so that it doesn’t get shredded by the inner critical voices. So you don’t stand in front of the mirror and say, “It’s going to be great,” but you say, “What if it turns out great?” Not “I can do anything,” but “What if I have everything in me to do it?” An excellent attitude, much better than these pre-written calendar sayings. Because it opens up a space of possibility that can actually feel quite easy.