“I’m a child psychologist and this is why positive education doesn’t work”

It was at the end of the 90s or even the beginning of the 2000s that the concept of positive education or caring education was born in the United States. Gradually resuming in other countries, including France, positive parenting has appealed to many parents and continues to appeal today. Built on the fairly simple theory which consists of saying that verticality in the parent-child relationship no longer exists and that it is more favorable to build a relationship of equals so that the child grows up in a much more fulfilled way. and that he becomes a responsible adult and in his right mind.

A very interesting design and which has its charm in comparison with the authoritarian upbringing of our grandparents, which our own parents experienced in their childhood. An education called “old» which imposes very big gaps on the emotional level, imposing on the child what he must do while doing his best not to disturb the adult who lives with him. If these two educations are polar opposites, and old-fashioned education should be banned, this does not necessarily mean that positive education is a good method, as revealed by the clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, a reference author in the field. of education, Didier Pleux.

Positive parenting does not necessarily make the child happy or responsible

As the parenting expert reveals, “to grow harmoniously, a child needs a lot of love and kindness“, but if some supporters of positive education say that this is enough, this is actually not the case! Raising a child without teaching him the discovery of limits, frustration, but also without putting him face the challenges of real life will not allow him to become a responsible adult, or even respectful of others. Didier Pleux explains on the subject: “This excess of empathy can also have deleterious consequences for other children who, raised like little kings, risk becoming arrogant people, even tyrants.. »

To assert that positive education is the best possible education for your child is to provide an excuse to blame yourself. However, Didier Pleux affirms, he is absolutely not a “reactionary nostalgic for old-fashioned education“. “I have never had (…) any sympathy for Pétainism. “Work, family, homeland” or the promotion of the patriarchy of yesteryear» he confirms, in fact, the expert was even one of the first to make positive education known in France by working on programs with Australian and American specialists. But for the psychoanalyst, it is important to restore “common sense in education» : «We must also prepare them for the hazards of real life, which is never a smooth river. We must teach them how to relate to others, to the world. All this implies that parents cannot be exclusively empathetic, that they must also sometimes impose constraints and frustrations that will help the child grow.» He declares. Pleasures, constraints, ordeals to manage are all situations that the child will have to face as he grows up, and responding to the search for his immediate pleasure by making him believe that he is central to everything, will not have given him the keys to learn to live with the outside world.

An education that can make parents unhappy

In addition to being detrimental to the child, this type of parenting can also exhaust parents and make them unhappy. Clubbed by these false thinkers who spread these theories, they instead think that it is important “to avoid any stress for a child presented as an extremely fragile being who must be the object of constant attention, whose slightest needs must be tracked down by giving meaning to all his anger» he explains before adding: “Rather than setting limits, these parents on the alert are invited to give resources to their child.» They are then considered as things: “the hotel-parent, the taxi-parent, the banker-parent, but also, beyond exploitation, the submissive, guilty parent, constantly worried about having done wrong?»

A style of education which then pushes parents to become unhappy and anxious since they tend to “towards permanent guilt“. “We scare them, we sell them psychologizing theories of education, considerations inspired by neuroscience which are still in their infancy. Some people do not hesitate to make parents believe that when a child gets angry, it causes irreversible neuronal damage.» Adds the specialist before concluding: “We actually put a lot of pressure on parents. (…) It is even good for the child to perceive that no one is perfect. Including himself, for that matter. All of this is ultimately quite simple to understand.“.

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