Inner gaslighting
4 unconscious signs you are manipulating yourself
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Other people can be the reason why we doubt ourselves and blame us for things we are not responsible for. But sometimes we are too.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological violence and has become a widely used term that is increasingly associated with toxic relationships. It usually means that one person is being manipulated by another in such a way that the affected person begins to doubt their own abilities and increasingly loses self-esteem. This can be the case, among other things, at work, with friends or in relationships.
What does gaslighting look like?
Phrases like “Are you sure about that? I think you’re remembering it wrong” or “I think you’ve forgotten what really happened” can be examples of gaslighting. The intention: The manipulated person should doubt themselves and their own decisions and statements. The permanent questioning of one’s own reality, which is caused by gaslighting, can lead to serious problems: for example, low self-esteem, lack of zest for life, depression, anxiety disorders or even suicidal thoughts.
It usually serves to stir up insecurity and silence those affected. As a result, they often distance themselves from other people because they do not feel safe or wanted in many situations. Unfortunately, gaslighting doesn’t work just by manipulating people who try to fool others into making mistakes. It can also happen within ourselves.
Inner Gaslighting: 4 Signs You’re Manipulating Yourself
- You downplay your strengths and needs to please others.
- You believe that you are not enough or somehow broken. It bothers you and may even embarrass you.
- In relationships, you assume that you should be content with what you have.
- Your inside contains two opinions: a mean inner critic and an insecure part that is afraid of being abandoned or left behind or lonely.
How does internal gaslighting occur?
Criticizing ourselves is good and useful in and of itself. This ensures that we learn skills such as empathy, morality, shame or feelings of guilt at a young age and develop an awareness of such things. People whose needs were often left unattended as children often begin to think that they are responsible for them.
In and of itself, that doesn’t necessarily sound wrong. However, it is the case that children in their development phase are not yet able to show the necessary self-care and assertiveness for this. More and more often, their inner voice tells them that they “only fail” even when they do their best – and are “not good enough”. Over time, this criticism only gets louder. In the eyes of those affected, they are already alone and on their own, so they need to be better and stronger for themselves. The inner criticism then becomes increasingly punitive and, in the long run, creates a negative self-image.
Stronger forms of inner gaslighting
Children who have also been humiliated, abused, or bullied by their caregivers also develop deep-seated feelings of shame, fear of not being enough, and fear of being left alone. A strong inner criticism and a certain vulnerability in the child quickly ensure that it seeks advice from its own inner voice. Because, like a punitive and mean adult, the child thinks that the voice is all that remains. This reinforces the negative thoughts and leads to a paradox: the insecure part feels safer when hearing the demeaning words. This leads to the following features.
5 characteristics of interior gaslighters: interior
- The voice claims to know everything and counters when you disagree.
- She makes you doubt what actually happened.
- She uses your insecurity to attack you (“You’re so stupid”, “What are you really good at?”).
- She threatens you with the worst-case scenario: being abandoned by everyone (“You will always be alone”, “She will eventually replace you”).
- She forces you to trust her in order to understand what is “really” happening.
What can be done against internal gaslighting?
It is difficult to break out of internal gaslighting. Because those affected cannot simply detach themselves from this part that is within themselves. It’s a tiring process, but not impossible. These six tactics can help:
- Begin to see yourself as a multi-part personality: It’s healthy to accept your inner complexity. For example, there is an inner critic, the hurt child, and the true self trying to manage the other parts and care for the person.
- Pretend there is authority: One’s own self is supreme and should come before the inner criticism and the hurt child in the hierarchy of opinions. The influence of the statements is determined by: the person concerned.
- Noticing that the inner criticism speaks: It takes practice, but it can help to write down the inner criticisms you are facing. This can be recorded in a diary, for example, preferably daily.
- Noticing how this makes you feel: Insecure, anxious, worried about rejection and being alone. Noting these feelings can help the person see the inner criticism and understand what they are feeling about it. For example: “Hearing that makes me feel worthless.”
- Giving your opinion to the inner critic: When mean thoughts come up, stand up to them, and show inwardly that they don’t help but only make things worse: “Telling me I’m useless won’t help me feel more confident!”
- Caring for the vulnerable child burdened by fear and shame: Showing that you will take care of yourself in a way that your inner critic cannot. “I can keep you safe without making you feel worthless.”
Ultimately, it is about tolerating the emotions that have arisen with the uncertainty. As so often, practice is the most important thing to see progress. This can take a lot of time, and depending on how much the inner criticism is weighing on a person, professional advice should be sought along the way. But getting clear about certain problems, thoughts, and feelings before starting therapy is a good start. Because that way it is easier for the person to get in and verbalise their own stress better.
Sources used: Medical News Today, Psychology Today, Barmer