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Expert Hedvig Montgomery: “A baby doesn’t have to accept no”
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In her guides, bestselling author Hedvig Montgomery reveals how a family can cope with the various development phases of children – and survive unscathed.
When you decide to have a child, at first you are not really aware of what you are actually getting yourself into. Or maybe, but how exactly that feels in the respective situation cannot be exactly known beforehand. In addition, there is the discrepancy between one’s own expectations of how one would like to react in certain situations and the harsh, honest reality. Being a parent also means making mistakes, it is only important that we learn from them and try to understand the world from the perspective of the child’s eyes. Because knowing the needs of children and some basic features of child development can protect against the greatest errors in upbringing. And that’s exactly what Hedvig Montgomery’s bestseller is about “The Hedvig Formula for a Happy Family”.
The first year of life: screaming is good for the development of the lungs?
Even if grandma and great-grandma in particular are of the opinion that they have eaten baby wisdom with a spoon, a baby does not have to be able to fall asleep alone, nor is screaming good for the lungs. An infant does not have to accept no and most certainly does not have to be self-employed. The only thing that matters in this first year of life is to learn that the world is a safe place and mom is always there. Because only out of this basic trust can a satisfied baby develop, that it learns to calm itself down and to get in touch with you. Body contact, rituals and a lot of closeness are the most important things for the little ones during this time.
1-3 years: The little goat drives everyone crazy
The good news first: All parents have to go through the defiance phase. So you’re not the only one struggling with a rebellious child. Only it hits some harder than others, there is nothing to gloss over. Suddenly, the no is simply ignored or answered with a fit of screaming. Nevertheless: Your child is neither particularly difficult, nor are they the first symptoms of ADHD. Like so much in children’s life, it is a phase. What helps? Take a deep breath and always remember: At some point, being strong is worth gold, so don’t break. Your child does not fight this fight against you, but rather needs your understanding and security as severity and coercion.
3-5 years: The Very Hungry Caterpillar goes to sleep
Things are easing, but most children still need help calming down and falling asleep. Rhythm, rituals and continuity help to structure the exciting day of a four or five year old child and give it a framework. At the same time, it is now all the more important to start a conversation and share interests. With all the exciting things that shower our children every day, it’s no wonder that they prefer to eat all day. After all, this workload requires energy.
6-8 years: Dress warmly – a foretaste of puberty
The school enrollment is pending. A major change for children that is associated with strong and deep emotions and that makes them restless and distracted. Your understanding is all the more important now
“During this time the thought patterns of the children are laid – do they become optimists or pessimists? Optimism develops when children are allowed to try things out and make mistakes and thus encounter understanding and encouragement in one – and one laughs together. It is seldom like that important to laugh like now! ” writes the education expert from Norway.
9-12 years: Independent and sheltered
You are slowly getting really big and independent. You want to go somewhere alone, cook your own food, be home alone and probably plan to move out from time to time. Finally being an adult. Well, they just don’t know what exactly that all means. On the one hand that’s great, on the other hand, as a mom, you will look a little wistfully behind your cool kids from time to time. Even if it makes sense to expand the radius of independence bit by bit, the almost big kids also need a safe home in which they feel safe and protected. Acceptance and belonging are what children of this age need more urgently than criticism, which only hurts the soul in upheaval.
13-17 years: buckled up! Now it’s going around
Puberty. Not pretty, but it’s definitely coming. Inevitable. And it is important, the time when the cord is cut. The brain is completely reprogrammed and that demands a lot from the teenagers. Forgetful, chaotic, fearful, rebellious, angry, aggressive – and all at the same time. It is all the more important now to have someone who can stand it together with you, who takes a close look at your feelings and who stays by your side even in difficult times. The worst thing parents can do at this time is lose touch with their children. To prevent this from happening, it is important to spend time together – perhaps with a cup of tea or a short walk. This is how the insecure teen turns into a balanced twentieth year.
hedvig montgomeryHedvig Montgomery, born in 1968, is a psychologist and family therapist with more than two decades of experience. In addition to her work as a family therapist, she holds seminars, including for FamLab. In her five-volume educational series “The Hedvig Formula”, the bestselling author brings her insights and experiences to the point. The author lives in Oslo.