Many women carry an enormous burden in everyday life: the invisible mental work. Why does the so-called mental load mostly affect mothers?
Thinking about your daughter’s dentist appointment, don’t forget to buy cat food, do the dishes after the office job, write a shopping list and plan the next meals at the same time: nothing runs smoothly in the household without mental organization. These invisible tasks in families are still mostly shouldered by mothers. One then speaks of “mental load”.
psychologist dr In an interview with spot on news, Hanne Horvath explains why the mental load trap so often affects women and how it can be possible to ensure more equality in their relationship when it comes to mental thinking.
What exactly is mental load?
dr Hanne Horvath: That describes the invisible effort it takes to coordinate your own family, household, professional and private life well. Most people, especially women, have their heads full of never-ending to-do lists. Especially in moments when you could perhaps relax, it often rattles relentlessly.
For many mothers it sounds like this: What do I do if my meeting is longer and I’m late for daycare? It’s supposed to rain tomorrow, do the rubber boots still fit? The transition jacket is definitely too small, when can I get a new one? Oh crap, I also need a present for Eva’s birthday, what would she be happy about? Did I even agree, I can’t remember right now? Did I actually send out the email with the agenda for tomorrow?
These constant thoughts of possible tasks are perceived as very stressful. In addition, they are not visible from the outside. For mothers who suffer from mental load, it is sometimes difficult to convey what is actually stressing them out. This is why conflicts often arise, especially in partnerships.
A large part of the mental load falls on women in families. Why is there such a big imbalance here?
dr Horvath: There are many factors: the traditional role model, the unequal distribution of parental leave after the birth and working time after returning to work, and the different division of care work. I also suspect that mental load is not typically female at all, but rather an expression of the constant multiple burden. Men who are equally committed to career and children know this too. But there aren’t that many of them yet and accordingly we associate this phenomenon more strongly with women.
What are the risks of the mental load trap for women?
dr Horvath: The mental load trap leads to chronic stress and permanent exhaustion and has a correspondingly negative effect on the body and psyche. Most of the time, the quality of sleep deteriorates, leading to difficulty concentrating and increasing irritability. It all sounds like signs of burnout too, and that’s no coincidence. Constantly high mental load increases the risk of developing it, so it must be taken seriously by both parents.
How can couples ensure more justice in their relationship when it comes to mental load?
dr Horvath: Through open discussions and understanding on both sides that it’s not fair at all. This is the base. Then there are different models that can help. One of them distributes ministerial posts for areas in the household, child care and the maintenance of the mutual circle of friends. For example, the ministerial post for purchasing groceries, clothing, laundry and waking up children, dressing them and taking them to the day-care center is then taken over by a parent. The other parent does the cooking, the dishes, the doctor’s appointments and coordination of private activities as well as putting the children to bed.
The trick is for each person to be fully and focused only on their assigned business and not interfere with the other person. This requires good coordination, discipline and a lot of practice. Other models put the whole life of both parents on an equal footing. There are, for example, 80/80 families in which working hours and care work are distributed more fairly from the outset. This also leads to more openness and awareness of the large amount of work that needs to be done every day.
How can mothers actively reduce their mental load?
dr Horvath: Even if a lot of women don’t like to hear it, they’re guaranteed to have a key in their own hands. They can lower their standards and reflect on their own socialization. It’s not that easy, of course, but only if I understand where my high demands on myself come from and how I absorbed social norms as a child through films, kindergarten or my parents’ home can I decide to keep my distance and my perfectionism to renounce.
This gives me a chance to really reduce the mental load. The pressure then becomes less overall, it is easier to delegate and then to be satisfied with the result of the supervision or completion of a task by others. Too high a mental load can also make us sleep less well. We might lie in bed at night and go through all the to-dos for tomorrow one more time. Don’t even think about sleep. Many quickly resort to medication, but there are also alternatives. With “HelloBetter Sleep”, the online therapy platform HelloBetter has developed an online therapy course whose effectiveness has been proven in scientific studies and which is available to all insured persons in Germany free of charge on prescription.
And also: Keep your eyes open when choosing a partner! Someone I can’t have conversations with about roles, female and male socialization, entitlements and expectations, or someone who hasn’t already done their share of the household before having their first child, isn’t likely to suddenly become Father of the Year. That sounds very harsh, but it helps to assess the situation more realistically.