Affairs? No money? Bad mother-in-law? Lots of possible stumbling blocks on which relationships can break. But the most common reason for breakups is different, according to US psychologist John Gottman.
There are quite a few no-gos in a relationship! Violence, for example. Or narcissism (possibly also female narcissism). Or a breach of trust that has so hit that the broken pieces can never be glued again afterwards. It is clear that such things often lead to a breakup. But according to the American psychologist John Gottman, most couples split up for a completely different reason – and many probably don't have that high on the list.
This everyday situation harbors the highest risk of separation
According to the studies of the relationship expert, the risk of separation of couples can be predicted with 94 percent certainty based on an everyday situation: dispute! More precisely, it is about the way in which the partners argue or how they deal with each other in an argument. Oh white …
It is well known that arguments and conflict exist in every partnership, even in the healthiest one. After all, two people in a relationship remain two independent personalities with individual views and needs – and they are not always the same or can always be reduced to a common denominator (you can find out more about this in our article "Which conflicts cannot be resolved?" ).
But how do couples argue if Gottman predicts a separate future? And how those that the psychologist sees grow old together? As the online portal "Psychology Today" writes, Gottman's magic word is that sooner or later couples are likely to break apart, contempt, d. H. Disregard, Contempt or ignorance.
- Pff, you have no idea!
- You certainly didn't tell me that!
- BUT LISTEN TO ME FOR THE FIRST TIME!
- Don't get so involved in everything!
- I don't care what you think about it.
Ever heard Well Such utterances are typical expressions of disdain …
Anger is better than disregard
Admittedly, when one rattles, it is not uncommon to feel a certain dislike and contempt for the other. On the contrary: it is quite normal and common. However, it is up to us whether we indulge in these feelings unrestrainedly and express them to our partner, or whether we – despite all internal annoyance – one respectful, appreciative tone true. Do not worry! That doesn't mean that we shouldn't be loud and that we should continue to call him "sweetheart" when fighting. Of course we can let out anger and aggression – as long as we stay on an equal footing with the other!
- It makes me so mad that you won't let me finish!
- I don't remember you ever telling me that …
- In my opinion, you are totally exaggerating!
Ever heard Excellent! Because such statements make the (dispute) partner clear their own point of view, but do not signal disregard for them – and, according to Gottman, are strong indicators of a long, happy relationship.