Katja Lewina on female lust, sexuality and sexism

Part 18 of our series #You are strong: Katja Lewina is a mother of three and lives in Brandenburg with her husband in an open marriage. Professionally, the journalist mainly writes about one thing: sex. Her first book "Sie hat Bock" was published in March. A book that belongs on every bookshelf and opens eyes. Talking to Katja is about the invisibility of our sex, shame, orgasms, our self-image as women, why she thinks vibrators are stupid and of course sex.

BRIGITTE.de: Dear Katja, your book “Sie hat Bock” is an appeal to everyone to speak more openly about sex and sexuality. However, you yourself decided to prefer to write under the pseudonym. Why?

Katja Lewina: It all started a few years ago with the idea: Yes, I share my sex life now. And then, before the very first text was published by me, I got muffle buzz. At that time, not everyone around me knew that I had an open relationship. I was therefore very worried that relatives would read this or future employers, for whom I would disqualify myself if I wrote openly about my sex life. The public is just a hard place, so I needed a little protective shield again. But that was quickly over because the editors wanted a photo of me. And then it didn't matter. In the end, my fear turned out to be void. Now I would also write under my real name, but in the meantime Katja Lewina has simply established itself. And I'm also happy to still have a little buffer between me and the public.

Why?

There are people who become very, very uncomfortable, especially if you post something publicly as a woman, you are often attacked for it. I'm not even so afraid of haters, but there are people who project a lot into me and then there are an incredible number of sex comments or offers. I would like to talk openly about all of these things, but I also want to have my shelter.

What do you do with men who think they can project all their fantasies on you just because you write about female sexuality?

Of course this is exciting for these men. From their perspective, female sexuality is a scarce resource and there are very few women who expose themselves in this way. These men think that if it does one, then of course she does it with everyone and then she does it with me. Nevertheless, I don't think that anyone seriously believes that women find this totally awesome, but it's more of a blow to their masculinity. But to be honest, I don't feel like constantly asking guys how they figure that I really want to go to bed with them? But that's not my job either. Most of the time I delete or block such requests.

Do you have the feeling that something is happening in our society, especially when it comes to female sexuality.

Yes, a lot is happening, but far from enough. MeToo has done a lot. Certain discourses are suddenly conducted in public, and male behavior and thought patterns that have never been questioned before are questioned. You don't just have to talk about rape or sexual assault, but in general: what's actually okay? Where do you cross borders? Where can you be more careful? A lot more men are worrying about that now. And women too – what they actually want, how much they want to do with themselves or where they can get active themselves. Still, it's still not common sense. I have received so many letters from women who were completely euphoric and for whom the book was an eye opener. On the other hand, there was also a reaction in feminist circles: "We have already said all of that." There is a big gap between intellectuals and enlightened people and women and men for whom Bohemian villages are and who are being picked up have to.

In your book you write about the invisibility of the female genitals. And in fact it starts with giving the whole thing a name. In any case, I still learned vagina at school …

Yes, penis and vagina were the common terms.

Vagina is actually a funny term …

Yes, as if it's just a hole between our legs waiting to be filled with the man's sword. The naming of our genitals is difficult anyway. There is simply no word that encompasses the entire organ. Strictly speaking, even vagina refers only to the connection between our external genitals and the uterus, i.e. the invisible part. When we talk about our gender, we mostly mean the visible part, i.e. the outer and inner lips, the clitoris pearl and the vaginal entrance. That is the vulva. But hardly anyone uses the word. Instead, we use a term for something invisible to describe something visible – a gender that only exists in relation to the penis.

What do you teach your children?

They learned pussy in kindergarten, but in the meantime we have also established vulva and vagina with them. We also spoke to my 12-year-old daughter about the petition, which concerned the renaming of the labia in the Duden to Vulvalippen. This is another term: what should we be ashamed of? In any case, she came out of school and said indignantly: "In the classroom, all labia say that is discriminatory". So the children also develop an awareness of this and carry it out. The more children talk about their vulva, the more the correct term is established. I think that's a very nice thought.

In contrast to our invisible sex, the penis is totally present in childhood. Why is that?

Boys are usually brought up quite differently: "The penis is a man's pride." When I was on the ultrasound with my mother and when she was pregnant with my little brother, the doctor looked at the sex of the baby and then took great pride said: "Yes and here, here we have the lighthouse." For me, on the other hand, nothing ever lit up. That was always the place that you don't touch, that you can't see and that should be as small as possible. And later these thoughts came – Do I have labia too big? Can it look like this? In turn, the man's penis cannot be big enough. These are insanely different narratives that we notice very early on.

How does that affect our sexuality?

That is of course also reflected there. Male sexuality is extensive. The man should have a lot of experience, sleep with as many women as possible, he should be the one who has sex all the time. While the woman is considered a slut. It should be as chaste as possible. So your sexuality, like your genitals, is best avoided.

Doesn't that put pressure on both sides?

Absolutely! Men certainly suffer from it – what if I can't get it up or just don't feel like it? Basically, it's the same pressure on both sides. Even so, men still have more advantages simply because they are men. Women are definitely more socially ostracized when they have an excessive sex life than men when they have none.

But that's not just a male perspective, is it? Slut shaming is incredibly common among women. How do you explain that?

The competitive pressure among women is extremely high. I think if someone is labeled as a bitch by another woman, it's a lot about envy. Maybe also because a lot is not lived. Why do you judge others? Probably because you have a lot of unlived desires yourself. Another factor is that we have been in the patriarchate for thousands of years and have always had to rely on the favor of men to survive. Only since the 1970s have we been allowed to work without the spouse's permission and have our own account. You were nothing without a man. And of course this resulted in great competitive pressure as to who gets the better man. It has always been important to get well with men, to look good, and it is no secret that a good marriage is more secure than always working hard. It sits incredibly deep, you can't get it out so quickly. But it is good to keep that in mind.

You write that the only true sex penis in vagina means in our minds. Why is that so problematic for you?

Sex is much more than that. There is sex with the hands, oral sex, with the feet, the breasts, with yourself. I can still remember how Bill Clinton was asked at the time whether he had sex with Monica Lewinsky and he said "no" because she only blew him one. We totally limit ourselves because we think it always has to come down to penis in vagina. And on the other hand, there are abuse situations where oral sex is of course sex, or when someone is groped. These are all things that ultimately influence the case law. Why is it worse when someone is raped in the vagina than in the mouth? And why does it weigh more when she was a virgin?

Does this have anything to do with the myth about vaginal orgasm?

Of course that also depends on it. Many still think that only vaginal orgasm is the only true and correct orgasm. The one with the hand or the mouth will never replace the one made with the penis. A picture that a lot of men hang on – So, I have to get her with my cock, otherwise it is not worth that much. And women think so too. We also learn it this way at school: sexuality works penetratively. It's not about lust, it's about reproduction. There is a lot of mixing, that is, the idea of ​​reproduction as well as the idea of ​​the omnipotent penis, which really can and must do everything. That is why many women reproach themselves if they cannot come during penetration sex and men think that something is wrong with women. She can't do that somehow, but all women can do that in porn.

Is it porn's fault?

In porn, the desire of women is not as important as that of men. It's always about how he is satisfied, where he squirts, how he moves and the woman is more of a passive accessory that is penetrated. And it doesn't really matter where. The male orgasm is all their happiness. Female orgasms are rare in porn and if they exist they come from the tail. Men also have oral sex or a hand job. This is on the one hand the fixation on male lust and on the other hand, the omnipresent masculinity. The guy who always stands and the woman who always kneels. Or that he chokes her, gives her a smack on the ass, or has her penis stuck in her throat until she vomits. It does a lot with our sex life and what we think is normal sex.

You also write that this is particularly problematic because it is used to educate young people today.

Exactly, that's the first thing you see, and so of course you also believe that sex is and must be.

But the opposite is true for sex toys and aids. The market focuses almost exclusively on women. Why is that?

This is mainly because the female genital has such a bad reputation, just as we women are known to have orgasm difficulties. In contrast, vibrators and the like should help. The problem is rooted in our childhood and adolescence. While boys have their first sexual experiences with themselves and only then go into partnership sex, it is exactly the opposite with girls. Most of them don't touch themselves at all and have their first time, i.e. petting or sex with a boy. Few girls manage to explore themselves enough to know what to do to make it cool. That's how I grew up. I wouldn't have known what to do with my clit if my boyfriend at the time hadn't shown it to me. This is also reflected in our adult sexuality. You don't know what to do, or you don't do it yourself well.

And then you need a vibrator?

Then such a machine will help, which is totally blatant for you. You don't even have to be excited for that. You have an orgasm within 15 seconds, but not even the time to get wet because sex toys stimulate so blatantly. On the one hand, this is of course totally great for women who have orgasm difficulties or do not know what to do at all. At the same time, it also takes away a lot of our sexuality, because discovering and looking at yourself, where and how I like it is a completely different number, which then also helps in partner sexuality.

Can we somehow make it easier for our daughters?

Yes, above all by working a lot on ourselves. The uptightness with which we meet our children is the uptightness of our parents, who have brought us up to the fact that the terrain down there is forbidden, that we simply shouldn't touch or look at them. You won't get rid of it that quickly. But registering yourself that you react and work in this way in some things is quite possible. I think it's a matter of practice and you can get to the point of talking to your children about such things. It is often about having them do it at their own pace. And our job is not to slow them down or to evaluate them, but to answer their questions.

Thank you for the interview, dear Katja!

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