Lean period in the relationship: we need more romantic pessimism

A few months after my wedding I was crying in the living room. First marriage noise, I just wanted to get away. My eyes fell on the couch and the television. The sofa consisted of six modules, so the division was clear. But how the hell do you separate a TV? I looked at the wedding ring: Get out, it's no longer so easy. – That was in 1999. Who knows, if we had been technically 20 years ahead, I would have picked up my smartphone and rearranged my life with a few clicks. Instead, I called my husband: "You, we have to talk …"

Change equals improvement?

Every couple knows dry spells in which things don't go well. Right now, when the prescribed "couple's ancestry" is like a magnifying glass for the relationship. Moments when you look at the person shuffling through the kitchen in jogging pants 24/7 like an insect researcher and ask yourself: Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with them? Our mothers from the "must have" generation brushed aside such thoughts and continued to the beat. Separate? Out of the question – what would the neighbors think?

But today we have completely different options. We earn our own money, since "single parenting" is no longer a stigma, nobody has to stay together because of the children. And the dream man? You can fall in love on the net every eleven minutes since there have been contact loosening, probably even faster.

Today, change is automatically equated with improvement. Or why else are we constantly changing things – from the bathroom wall color to the hairstyle to the next dream job? Standstill irritates us. Right now, after being locked up for weeks, you have to be active, there is a suitable tool or YouTube tutorial for every problem. No wonder we find it so difficult to endure a relationship crisis. There is also another aspect. "Our society today operates according to rules that require flexibility. In return, definitions appear to be blockades," explains philosopher Ralf Konersmann in his book "The Unrest of the World" (Fischer Wissenschaft). "If you want to be flexible, you have to be flexible when choosing your place of work, where you live and where you live, and be ready at any time to rethink your decision." Nothing is forever? Sad idea. "The unrest is there. We can't go back," says Konersmann. "But we can ask ourselves: What did we have? What do we have now? And did we really want it that way?"

Longing for security

In fact, 74 percent of all Germans dream of one big love. But: Almost every third marriage breaks down. What is the problem? Are our demands too high? In the past, we could only look at our neighbors' doorstep and assumed that they would deal with the same nonsense as we did. Today we click through their nicely curated postcard world and start to ponder: Is the life of all other couples only made of best-of-moments?

As soon as the first wild infatuation no longer plays a role, something shifts, according to psychologist Norman Späth: "What the relationship then carries is a longing for security, security, closeness and familiarity." Couples who fail to make this transition usually separate after half a year.

But even those who overcome this hurdle go straight into the next fight – against everyday life: stress, lack of sleep or money worries, you always have to make arrangements. Of course, it is tempting to log on to Facebook in the evening when the partner has fallen asleep again in front of the telly. To see what the ex-boyfriend is doing today. And to think: "What if …"

Striving for perfection

Social media are only partly to blame for our dissatisfaction. "There has always been a longing for the perfect romance," says Norman Späth. "What is Instagram today was formerly Hollywood: a way to escape from everyday life." Another aspect, however, is much more relevant: "The option that maybe something better can be found has suddenly become real. I can only admire a George Clooney on screen. But I can contact the guy on Tinder directly." Means: Those who no longer feel comfortable in their relationship will find a way to find something new faster.

But what happens if you are cheated yourself? "Leave the stupid," advise the others. Anyone who decides to stay with their partner will be amazed by their surroundings: "Seriously? You don't have to, that's sooo last century!" A crisis is by no means a sign that the person on our side is not the right one. It is in the natural dynamic of a partnership that interests shift and sneak between the rumpled Netflix sheets and thick socks. The philosopher and writer Alain de Botton advocates romantic pessimism. "The neurosis of our age is the pursuit of perfection. It makes us intolerant and angry when people are not what we want them to be," he writes in an essay for The New York Times. "The sooner we understand that we're all imperfect, the happier we get."

What else is left? Those who give up too quickly run the risk of ending up in the same situation with their next partner two years later. The "exchange theory" is a term from psychology. According to her, partners continuously check the cost-benefit balance of their current relationship and compare it with the possible alternatives. So if in doubt, couldn't you just make a list of pros ("He takes care of the tax") and Contras ("He never does the laundry")? "Such a calculation assumes that people behave rationally," says psychologist Norman Späth. "But they don't."

There has to be hope

According to Späth, this model may work in a job or in friendships, but love cannot be set off. "In the end, it's a highly emotional decision that only everyone can make for themselves." Sometimes it takes time for knowledge to come, sometimes you have to change your perspective and listen deeply to yourself: Do I trust that I will be happy again? Is there still love? "Not everything has to be great, but there has to be hope: that it is worth investing in the relationship," explains Norman Späth. However, if you are sure that the other person will not change and you will not be able to cope with their nature, you have probably already made the decision.

Some time ago I was sitting on the bus, opposite me an older, well-dressed couple on the way to the theater. They were late and blamed each other. As they bit on, the woman reached into her pocket, took out a hand cream, unscrewed the cap, and passed it on to her husband, who put his hands on his hands and put it back. The way they'd probably done it a hundred times before. That's what makes a good relationship, I thought: Even in moments when you want to clap the other side, you remain a team.

If someone had told me 20 years ago what was still to come, I might have packed my bags. Having a long relationship means work. Always looking for a conversation, even though everything has been chewed through countless times. If nothing works, go to therapy and spend a double hour discussing why he never hangs up the laundry. Learn to argue properly. Above all: endure phases in which the relationship, which started like a jet ski, is messing around like a rubber boat. Now that's the way! It gets better again.

The real #couplegoals

There are over twelve million posts on Instagram at #couplegoals. If you believe these pictures, the top couple goal looks like this: KnutschSelfie in front of the Eiffel Tower. Together to the gym. Or: walking around in the same jackets ("King" on his, "Queen" on her). There are much cooler targets, but you can't take pictures of them. When someone at a party is talking nonsense, my husband and I just have to look at each other and our Bluetooth starts: We immediately know what the other is thinking ("Boah, what a show-off"). Or when a certain song is on the radio – and we both remember that legendary embarrassing evening in the Spanish karaoke bar and have to grin. These are the real #couplegoals. And they feel really great.

Of course, the idea of ​​exchanging the partner for another model flashes. Like the old self-knitted sweater against the chic sweater from the shop window. But, hey, even if the old one has one or two holes, it warms like no other. You are proud of him because he is unique and there are stories in every stitch. And if he had once landed in the old clothes bin, he would be terribly missed.

Iris Soltau is a couple therapist and advised her and her husband: avoid generalizations and you messages. Unfortunately, it still roars: "You never hang up the laundry!"

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