Lesbian woman says: “My husband said that was no reason to throw everything away”

coming out
Lesbian woman says: “My husband said that was no reason to throw everything away”

Not forward and not back

In the end it was my body that pulled the ripcord. I just broke down. When loading the washing machine, my legs fell away and I was just able to call the neighbor who called the emergency services. I came to neurology and got a full check-up: stroke, brain tumor, multiple sclerosis. I actually knew they wouldn’t find anything. Instead, I was asked to finally face up to this topic.

I’ve known deep down that I was attracted to women for a long time. But what should I do with these feelings? could i live this did i want it Sometimes when I was abroad for work, I had this thought: “I’ll just not get on the plane and start all over again.” Of course I never did.

Because a friend had always raved about it, I booked a silence seminar and went there with the thought: “Now pull yourself together! Put a lid on it and reflect. Everything else is going well: relationship, family, you can’t throw everything away because you might think you like women.” But then the silence got terribly loud, so to speak. There was so much energy that wanted to come out. I reflected on my life, the injuries I experienced as a child and adolescent.

Adapt instead of being different

I never fit into that typical image of a girl. I had short hair, they couldn’t get me in a skirt, and I was always read as a boy. In secondary school, the girls used to yell at me in the toilet and try to kick me out because they thought I had no business there. At some point during puberty I went the easier way: I let my hair grow, had relationships with boys and felt more or less safe because of it. I fell head over heels in love with my future husband. It was all right and real, but only for a part of me. Now the other part of me was demanding space.

I came out of the silence and confessed to my husband what was going on. He said that was no reason for him to throw everything away, that I should see what I needed. So on the outside I continued to live my old life and at the same time looked around in the queer scene. I realized more and more how I wanted to live the love of women, but I couldn’t manage a separation on my own.

Antje, my current wife, was the last drop. I told my husband the day after we met that it was over. At that point, he would still have given a lot for us to stay together as a family, but I took responsibility for both of us, so to speak. Now he’s grateful to me for being so clear back then.

You have to find your own way

There’s just no point in saying: I’m not allowed to be the way I am. Also as far as the children are concerned. They both got through this time really well, we lived together as a parent for nine months, then I moved in with Antje, just a kilometer away. The children are now 13 and 16 years old. They live with us for a week and with my ex for a week and I have never been more relaxed.

Should I have been more honest earlier? You can only judge things in hindsight, now that everything went well. But probably everything went well, precisely because there were so many small steps. I don’t look back there. If anything, I’m looking at the heteronormative society, because it’s a big part of why I wasn’t able to find my own identity as a teenager.

You can read more about Martina Tirolf’s experiences on her blog https://www.queer-is-near.com read.

Bridget