Letting Go of Partner: When to Break Up

BRIGITTE author Luise Wetzel fought for years for a relationship that was neither good for her nor her partner. Why couldn't she let go for so long?

"I never make a recommendation as to whether a couple should split up. But I'll tell you frankly: The way you talk to each other, it will be damn difficult." Our couples therapist looked at us seriously through his glasses. I almost justified myself: "We just have a temper!" Moritz took my hand in the street. "He's right. We have to let go, it's not good for either of us."

The fear of failing again

I noticed how deeply dark inside me. Desperate, I began my plea for our relationship: that our son shouldn't be a separated child, not one again. That we loved each other much more than others, how else would we have lasted for so long? And anyway, that the therapist couldn't really know us. That he, I grinned conspiratorially at Moritz, was also really in love with himself, or how else was his claim to get a couple on track in just three sessions? The last argument drew. We went to the car, gossiping about him. That was close.

Our son was eight at the time and we had been together for ten years. How many of them were good? None. At least if you define "good" in such a way that you feel secure in your partnership. We had extremely happy moments, traveling, having sex, when everyday life was not in a stranglehold, but just as many shocking lows. Our arguments were loud, nasty and not always so under control that our son didn't notice. I knew he was suffering. But would it be better with a breakup? And to be honest: I was far too afraid of "failing" again. Like my first marriage, which broke up after six years, when my daughter was three. I left carelessly. I wanted butterflies in my stomach forever – what was I naive.

Why did we fight? There were solid reasons for that. For example Moritz's long unemployment, arose out of a whim. We wanted to travel through Europe for two months with the baby, his boss didn't release him – we went anyway. But above all: our patchwork situation. I already had a child, he too, his ex and mine were the plague of their injuries. But I tend to believe in the softer reasons. I needed planning and organization, he hated making commitments. We both grapple with the idea of ​​shaping the other into who he wasn't. But we both couldn't let go, somehow there was always too much feeling. If I went, he would bring me back with love letters. If he went, I became a "wonder woman" who suddenly did everything right.

I should have let go much earlier

We wore out two more therapists before he said one morning, "I can't overcome my inner resistance to you." Suddenly I understood. It would never be what I wished for. An old saying, which I had always taken for a rush, had echoed in me for some time and got louder and louder: "There is no right life in the wrong one." Whenever I was tempted to call Moritz, there was this sentence. Like a stop sign. For me it became a mantra that gave me strength.

I realized: Actually, I didn't miss the man so much, but the family feeling. I made my friends more responsible, which had always made me uncomfortable in the past. I also signed up for a choir and a yoga & meditation studio. When, after the lesson, we lay together in "Savasana", the posture of rest, I realized that I was not alone. I was part of it, even without bending over for the way I had to do in my relationship. This new feeling grew and grew and was sensationally beautiful!

My son also reacted strangely relaxed when he heard that we had finally broken up. "Give me five!" He said and clapped me. Now, two years later, my heart is so much lighter; Energy and joy are back. And I think: I should have let go much earlier.

Would you like to read more about the topic and exchange ideas with other women? Then have a look at the "Separation and Divorce Forum" BRIGITTE community past!

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BRIGITTE 22/2020