Long-term relationships: this is how the relationship stays alive

Author Werner Bartens explains how long-term couples keep their love fresh and have a happy relationship.

The rose-colored glasses – who doesn't know them? Freshly in love everything is new and exciting, but "the wild, euphoric infatuation subsides after about a year and a half." Author Dr. med. In an interview with the news agency spot on news, Werner Bartens explains why that doesn't have to be a bad thing and how couples make the transition to a long-term relationship.

Bartens books "What Holds Couples Together", "Happiness Medicine" and the "Doctors Hate Book" were on the "Spiegel" bestseller list. In his new book "In Praise of Long Love", the head of the science department of the "Süddeutsche Zeitung" deals with long-term relationships. Couples would have achieved this status after four years together. "The need to be very close is almost gone. If a couple stays together after this time, it has made the transition to a longer relationship," he explains.

According to Bartens, a big mistake is "to confuse long love with boredom". "But this kind of familiarity, closeness and reliability are hallmarks of long love. This is something very beautiful, even if it is the opposite of being in love at the beginning." The state of being in love for the first time cannot be "preserved". "Unfortunately, we just have a completely inflated, romantic ideal of love. But love is not a pink ball pit," he appeals. Bartens has these tips for couples in order to have a happy relationship even after many years.

Keep the loving look

“You should try to keep a loving look at your partner,” recommends Bartens. That is not that easy: "Because we often find some characteristics of the other person lovable and charming at the beginning of the relationship, but at some point precisely these characteristics can first become a quirk and then a quirk."

Pampering for love

Bartens recommends that couples who have been together for a long time regularly have a "pampering program for love", ie "a kind of surprise attack of appreciation". Couples who have children should treat themselves to time for two. "For example, you could hire a babysitter for an evening and spend a cozy evening at the cinema," the author suggests.

Friendliness instead of reproaches

If your partner misses an appointment, for example, accusations such as "I knew it" or "Something like this never works for you" will not bring anything, warns Bartens. "Instead, you should start a kindness attack. Pay attention to your partner and do him good." It is not about material things. "Give your partner a hand," he recommends. "If you can keep it up three days after an argument, it can have a wonderful effect," the expert predicts.

Rituals instead of routine

Partners who have been in a relationship for many years may find themselves bored at some point. To prevent this, Bartens has a tip: "Rituals instead of routine". Because getting used to relationships is not wrong per se, he says, on the contrary. "Little rituals even cultivate love, for example when you bring your partner a coffee in bed every day and he goes to the bakery every Sunday and gets bread rolls." These are "loving repetitive effects that strengthen a relationship".

Remember the beginning

After many years together, it could happen that partners no longer appreciate their counterparts. That is why Bartens advises: "Even after years, try to remember what you valued and admired in other people when you got to know each other. Maintain your admiration!"

He also recommends not to turn away from your partner in difficult phases, but to turn to them. "Many withdraw in such situations and no longer speak to their partner," says Bartens.

Find common solutions

"Find common solutions to problems instead of reproaching each other," advises the expert. Because as soon as a partner wants change, both should think about a possible solution. In such cases Bartens also recommends: "Accept dear suggestions from your partner."

Find hobbies that both like

In order to develop together as a couple and not to drift apart, not only the right communication is important. "Look for common activities and hobbies," says Bartens. For example, couples could get a sailing license together or get involved in charitable associations. Because "that welds together", recommends the author.

It is important that one partner does not set the tone. Bartens warns that it is crucial for a long, happy relationship to be "considerate of your own feelings." "You shouldn't take part in something against your will or your gut instinct. Doing something permanently that actually goes against the grain can become a burden."

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