Relationships are worth every effort. But it’s important to also talk about the struggles and look at them realistically.
People who are—or have been—in a real relationship know that a such a close bond with another person has little in common with the fairy tales that many films and series tell us. Relationships, whether romantic or platonic, are exhausting, a lot of work, full of conflict, misunderstanding, frustration, and tears.
But they are worth all this effort, at least when we are in a relationship with someone who accepts us as we are, supports us, but also challenges, questions and reflects us at times.
Having a real, deep connection with another person also teaches you an uncomfortable truth or two that the Disney movies of our childhood couldn’t teach us any more than the romantic comedies can today.
Relationships are hard work
In the early days of a relationship everything seems so simple: the other person is interesting, everything is exciting and new. The togetherness full of beautiful first moments, meaningful looks, tender touches … But sooner or later the first clouds will appear in the pink love sky: Namely, when we realize that the person in front of us is not just an idea, not a romantic dream come true – but a person with rough edges, with opinions, with a past, trauma, trigger points.
A relationship cannot grow without quarrels and arguments – even if that may sound paradoxical at first glance. But only in the conflict can we learn from each other: What the other person needs and whether and to what extent we are prepared to respond to their needs. A relationship requires us to open up, to trust, to forgive, to put our ego aside, to be willing and able to make real compromises.
In short: A relationship costs us an immense amount of energy, requires a lot of hard work from us and can sometimes push us to our limits. It is up to us – and us alone – to keep asking ourselves the question: Is this partnership still worth the effort?
Every relationship is unique
Our grandparents have a different type of relationship with each other than our parents, our parents have a different type of relationship than we do, and we have a different type of relationship than the generation after us. Even within our own social environment, there are sometimes significant differences that have arisen from a variety of factors. There is simply not “one” type of relationship.
And yet we tend to compare ourselves. “They fight in public quite a lot,” we might say of a close couple, actually meaning, “We have a healthier way of interacting because we don’t snap in front of others.” For the other couple, it can be exactly the type of communication that is best for them and maybe it would do us well not to swallow our anger at our partner in a situation just because others people are in the area.
Just as we have learned that a romantic relationship with one another – let alone marriage – must necessarily be a lifetime commitment, as was the case with our grandparents’ generation, so new generations will learn very different things that are part of a healthy relationship for them. Everything is changing, including our togetherness.
At some point we have to overcome the fear of getting involved with someone else
As I said, a relationship demands a lot from us. This is more noticeable to some than others, namely those who have trouble committing to a committed relationship with another person. Who have learned in their lives – maybe through their upbringing, maybe through experiences with (ex) friends – that it is dangerous to get involved with other people. The risk of being injured is very high.
Man is a social being and certainly nobody (contrary to the narrative of society) has to be in a romantic relationship to be happy – but hardly anyone can live without any kind of social interaction. Sooner or later we are all required to overcome our fear of commitment and to open up – however vulnerable and vulnerable that may make us.
Love alone is not enough
and our (German) language is hardly able to put every nuance of love into words that do it justice. And yet it alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. It takes more than that: it takes respect, friendship, understanding, trust, honesty and communication.
Over time we will automatically realize that our partner is not perfect. That we don’t harmonize in everything, that this person doesn’t always meet our requirements. Love can hide a lot of it, but not all. It is up to us to still treat this person with the level of respect that we wish for ourselves from others. To meet him with kindness and forbearance. But we also have to have the courage to face them openly and honestly – even if it hurts both sides.
Everything ends
Whether through separation, illness or death: everything, every deep and happy relationship, every beautiful and fulfilling life, is doomed to come to an end. Someone will leave the other person, whether you have been granted ten or 100 years of walking together. It is an indisputable fact that your time is limited – but how you use this time is up to you.