Open love
“We live in a shared apartment with rules and conferences”
© CHOTE BKK / Shutterstock
In search of other ways of life, Anna Holfeld, 44, came out three times and founded a flat share with her ex-husband, her new friend and two teenagers
I fell in love with Monique when I saw her in a video about Christopher Street Day in 2018. T-shirt, baseball cap and the phrase “I’m a gay girl” spoken with so much friendliness. I was stunned by how you can stand by yourself with such positive power. Spontaneously I wrote to her on Facebook that I had a crush on her. It took a year for the answer to come. But it happened quickly: We met shortly after the CSD 2019 and were a couple from then on. The idea that I could be happy with a woman was already inside of me. That feeling that this could be a higher quality relationship that I long for so much. This assumption has been confirmed. Something soft, more agile and more natural came into my life.
A new beginning after 18 years of relationship
With my ex-husband Jan I would celebrate 18 years of relationship or 15th wedding anniversary this year, but the divorce papers have already been signed. We are united by a friendly love that has carried us over the years, sometimes more, sometimes less erotic. This close bond still exists. I am grateful for that, because I know that as a partner I can be very stressful with my demands on a relationship. I had already separated from Jan four years ago. Then a new beginning followed with a lot of attention and sex experiences. But love soon cooled down again through everyday life. The encounter with Monique was not the reason for the renewed separation, rather the trigger. The fact that I found so much in her that I have always longed for was the impetus for the decision: I want to finally break up.
I have different outings behind me. I turned 40 in 2016. A turning point. Who am I as a woman? The question was suddenly incredibly important. I began to discover myself, attended women’s and body seminars, researched my sexuality, and tried out tantra courses with Jan. With that I found new strength and sensuality. I used to wear practical clothes, t-shirts and jeans. Now I love clothes and longer hair and I feel for myself. In 2017 the outing to polyamory followed, I began to talk openly about the fact that I can and want to love several people at the same time. I am convinced that all people have this ability, but it also includes a certain concept of life. Jan agreed that I would have a second relationship with another man. Then came outing number three, my bisexuality. In Berlin I found an association for people who live differently with their sexual orientation. I feel right there.
It is very important to me that I agree with each and every person what kind of relationship I want to have with them, regardless of labels: What things do I want to share with you? Which not? That negotiation was liberation. The opposite of encrusted structures that so many couples are attached to. For example, that you should share everything – whether sex or money – just because you are married. You can look relaxed: what fits into our relationship vessel? With freedom and limits that we determine ourselves.
A flat share with the ex-partner
Family life is something completely new for Monique. But it blends in so smoothly, as if it had been waiting for it all of her life. My boys come to her with their own topics, be it soccer, football or shopping. I myself am grateful that despite the separation from Jan, living together is a great option. We live in a shared apartment with rules and conferences. The guys are happy about this constellation because it means stability. At school they even show off about us and our flat share! When Monique and I were walking down Warschauer Strasse here in Berlin with my son holding hands, I asked him spontaneously: “How is it actually for you to have a lesbian mother?” His answer: “Mom, we’re living in the year 2021.”
Would you like to read more about the topic and exchange ideas with other women? Then look at the “Love under the rainbow forum” the BRIGITTE community past!
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