It begins with thoughts that take on a life of their own, arousing fears and insecurities. How to recognize that you are self-sabotaging your relationship – and how to stop it.
He’s late from work again, which shortens your time together for that evening. “It was clear,” you think to yourself, “of course work is more important again.” He sits down at your table, after all you have your ritualized dinner together, where you talk about your day. But this time he’s always on his cell phone and seems distracted. “He’s bored,” your inner voice tells you. “He has nothing more to say to me, from now on we are the couple who remain silent when eating.”
You are particularly hurt that you said yesterday that you are giving a particularly important presentation at work today, which you are a little afraid of. And today there is no demand from his side. “He just doesn’t care,” you tell yourself. “I’m alone in this relationship.” At night in bed he kisses you on the cheek, wishes you good night and turns away from you. “He’s no longer interested in me sexually,” whispers inside you. “Sex probably has no place in our relationship anymore.”
Maybe some of these situations and especially thoughts and feelings seem familiar to you? Thoughts like these come up especially when you feel threatened about yourself and your relationship. More thoughts often follow, reflexive and negative, fed by fears and at some point you get caught in a vicious circle that psychologists call “rumination” and they, how studies show can lead to long-term, negative health consequences.
We live in a society in which the love story between two people seems to be told to the end with the “happy ending” – but love and relationships are not a matter of chance, they are the result of work on both sides. And we often stand in our own way. Here are three signs you’re (unconsciously) sabotaging your own relationship — and recommendations on how to stop that self-sabotage.
The forms of self-destructive brooding
Rumination is defined as “excessive, persistent, often useless thinking” – and it can be poison for a relationship. We all harbor doubts about our togetherness at certain moments, simply because we all have certain insecurities that can (often unconsciously) trigger our loved ones.
We can come from a home where one parent has been working constantly, unintentionally making us feel second or third. Maybe we had to fight for attention early on in life, maybe we have insecurities about our bodies or our sexuality.
Our partners may know about this (they do too in a trusting relationship) and still it can happen that they stir up these fears. And these fears then come up with inner thoughts like “The work is more important to him” or “He’s not interested in my problems” or “He doesn’t find me attractive”. These ruminations can increase exponentially, new thoughts keep coming, new insecurities and fears. Some examples:
- finger pointing: This form of brooding can go both ways. Turned against himself, with words like “This is my fault. I’m such an idiot. How could I think he cared about me more than…?” Or directed at the partner: “He’s an egoist. How can he not see that I’m feeling bad? He should apologize, why doesn’t he?”
In this form of rumination, we move into the past and follow the belief that we have been treated unfairly – or are being treated. Certain events from the past are picked out and viewed as if under a magnifying glass.
- Control: “I know better. I’m the rational type. I have access to my emotions, I’m kinder, wiser, healthier, more superior. I’m the person who makes us healthy, safe and happy” – just a few possible thoughts from those who lose themselves in the desire for absolute control.
These people always think they know what the best next step is – and often they insist that this step must be taken immediately. You tend to distrust others, are often tense and inflexible. There is only right or wrong, black and white – and these people have leased the knowledge of what is right and what is wrong.
- Doubt: Anyone who has doubts easily sinks into a quagmire of insecurities: “Can I trust my own perception? Maybe I’m imagining it. Why are all other couples doing so much better than us? Am I sure about my partner? Am I one Impostor? Can’t trust my intuition, what if I make a mistake again?”
There is never enough clarity, never a guarantee for people who have fallen into this form of rumination. No matter how much evidence there is of one thing or another, there is never enough to help them make decisions or take action. The more fervently they search for proof and certainty, the more they sink into doubt. You are insecure and overly self-critical.
How can you break the cycle of rumination?
We are all vulnerable, especially in a close relationship – it doesn’t always feel nice, especially when a situation unsettles us. But when we indulge in rumination, it’s often just an attempt not to confront our vulnerabilities, explains relationship therapist Alicia Muñoz in an article in Greater Good Magazine. It may be scary, it may be exhausting – but you have to step into these insecurities and get to the bottom of them. For example like this:
- Become aware of rumination: You get a message from your girlfriend. She can’t see you today after all. Her cancellation comes pretty spontaneously, your first impulse is to think, “How can she do this to me? We had a date and now she’s just ignoring me? What a selfish person!” But it’s worth pausing in such moments and asking yourself: What is happening inside me right now? What am I feeling and why? Is what’s going through my mind right now a fact or just a thought?
If you look at the thought as such, you interrupt the dynamics of the school cycle,” explains the psychologist. “So you don’t automatically believe that your thoughts reflect reality correctly just because you are upset at that moment.
- Be open to what is happening inside you: Building on recognizing the thought as a thought – and not as a fact – the next step is to recognize the pattern that hides behind the ruminations. For example: Your friend looks at the phone while you two are eating together. You notice that this act triggers something in you. Maybe he makes you sad, maybe angry or frustrated. First of all, it is necessary to determine that something’s going on inside you
- Face the unknown: Finally, it’s important to accept that you don’t have to immediately state clearly What is happening right inside you. Exactly what emotion it is, where it’s coming from… You will get the answer you need if you stay with yourself and are mindful. It can also help to verbalize. For example, “I notice that when you’re holding your phone when we’re together, it triggers me.” In this way you also give your counterpart the opportunity to react.
You will not be able to break the vicious circle of brooding by accident. It is work that will require new energy in every situation, every day. It’s something you need to work on together with your partner. In any case, it’s worth it – for both of you.
Sources used: greatergood.berkeley.edu, sciencedirect.com, relate.org.uk, dwds.de