Love: Oskar Holzberg on the key to a healthy relationship

love column
Oskar Holzberg on the key to a healthy relationship

If Mr. P. wants to do something for the relationship, he likes to invite his wife to a fancy restaurant in the hope that they will have a good time there together. But most of the time he is already in a bad mood with the starter. Because not only the waiter, but also Ms. P. serves: everything that is not going well in their marriage. Mr P. finds this impossible. And they start arguing. Why is she doing this? he asks. Why is he so freaked out about that, she asks. Well: Both want to do something for their relationship. He, by wanting to support the positive. She by wanting to overcome obvious difficulties together with him. But both only experience their difference with frustration.

When differences no longer complement but disturb

This difference regularly casts a shadow over the harmony of the first few months for couples. Often two quite similar people have found each other, and what was different was initially fascinating because each had something that the other lacked. But at some point, the dissimilarity begins to irritate. It’s annoying, annoying and eventually becomes hostile. Now the two are fighting over who is right. who is right But that’s pointless in relationships. Because we experience what we have in common there differently. And my way of tidying up the kitchen or initiating our sex is no better or worse than yours, just different.

Unfortunately, two children always meet in love relationships: our inner children who have learned how relationships work. Namely the way it was shown to them. And how they had to behave in order to get along as well as possible with their parents. kids are great But for them there is only wrong or right and nothing in between. In the emotional life of a couple, two children clash who are unconsciously deeply convinced that they are right. Yes, that it is not at all possible to experience something other than yourself.

But we only find each other if we break away from it. When we don’t fight the other person’s otherness, but instead accept it curiously and learn to understand their behavior from their perspective. Without the mindfulness of our adult self, without taking a step back inside and consciously not following our automatic reactions, we have no chance. If you cannot question your own ideas and therefore fight everything in your partner that contradicts you, you will not find love.

Discover similarities in differences

We all want to reach out to each other and find intimacy with each other. In this we are not only similar to one another, in this we are equal to one another. But in order to feel that, we have to discover the similarity in the dissimilar, in our difference. But we don’t find it in the obvious behavior, only when we understand the feelings behind it, the desires and disappointments, the pain and the longings. We try our best with children. The little ones scream, the older ones cry, the adolescents close themselves off and insult us. But we find out what they’re trying to tell us. And it is precisely this arduous process of finding one another that makes us trust in relationships. Adorno sees in it the ability that is love. No couple can (survive) without them.

Bridget