What can I? What I want? What should I? You should be able to answer these three questions in order to make a good decision, says Melanie Wolfers. A guide for those who hesitate.
Dr. Melanie Wolfers
"Can we meet sometime? I'm facing a decision and don't know what to do next." I often get such inquiries as part of my work with young adults. When talking to you, I am happy to bring you three building blocks for a sustainable decision.
1. What can I do?
First and foremost, a solid foundation is required for a sustainable decision. Because just as a house built on sand cannot withstand a storm, a decision standing on shaky ground eventually collapses like a house of cards. The basis of a good decision is that we take our strengths and weaknesses, our biography and personality into account. In everything that comes easily to you, what you enjoy and what you have acquired in the course of life – in all of this there is a hint for a good choice. If we consider our potential, this arouses liveliness and joy. And: We give what only we can give. We change and enrich our specific environment. The following questions can deepen the feeling for your own strengths and potential:
- I remember times when I felt completely in my element. Looking at these situations, I ask myself: Which of my talents came into play back then?
- How was it in the past few months: What did I do well? What skills did I use?
- What is generally easy for me and what is easy for me to do? What makes me happy and gives me a boost of energy when I do it?
A viable choice is also based on taking your own limits into account. If we do not do that, our decision will stand on feet of clay. Yes, strictly speaking, we choose against ourselves when we choose something beyond our capabilities. That contradicts our personality structure. Or what we don't have enough time and energy for. Such a decision will collapse sooner or later. One negligently puts oneself into a situation of excessive demands and often pulls others in too. It is also worth exploring yourself when looking at your own limits: I review some of the decisions in my life. Which ones seem to me to be unsuccessful? With regard to these resolutions, I can ask myself:
- Which decisions did not go well because I overwhelmed myself? Or let it be overwhelmed?
- Which ones failed because I didn't know myself well enough? Maybe because I didn't realize what my main needs were. Or because I blindly followed my inner drives and lost sight of my goals.
- What brought me there? Or seduced too?
2. What do I want?
"Can you tell me where I am going, please?" – With this curious question, which he directed to passers-by, the famous comedian Karl Valentin sums up the widespread lack of orientation. What is important to me? What does my heart beat for Why do I say yes in life? And why no? – If we develop an idea of what is really important to us, an inner compass is available to us. With its help we can orientate ourselves when we come across a fork in the road and weigh up the various alternatives and goals. Therefore, one of the most important things in life is to know what we really, really want. And why.
The inner sense of direction is required – and it quickly gets under the wheels. How easily the everyday noise drowns out the quiet voice of longing. But if you have the courage to indulge in silence and regularly stop by yourself, you will hear your inner voice with new clarity.
In order to get a clearer view of what is important, many people experience questions of imagination as helpful. Approximately:
- Assuming I had two lives, what would my second life be like?
- What is it worth to me to risk doing it with all my might, even if I fail?
- Which people impress me? And why?
- If I were to give a person who is born today one piece of advice on their journey through life: What would it be?
Finally, you can look at your own answers and ask yourself: Do I discover a common thread, a deeper-lying longing that runs through it?
The more we are in contact with our deep volition, the strength to stay on course even with strong headwinds grows. Then it is not the wind that decides our course, but how we set the sails.
3. What should I do?
The third building block of a sustainable decision concerns the "external" reality. Because the specific circumstances dictate what is possible – and what is not. Therefore, there needs to be a good balance between what one strives for and the opportunities that arise. And this is anything but a matter of course! This can be seen, for example, when someone, driven by ambition, builds castles in the air and at some point falls mercilessly. A healthy realism, on the other hand, gives you ground under your feet.
In addition, the reality we encounter has something to say to us. She speaks, irritates, invites, challenges … There are moments in which life calls out something: Unexpected balls are passed to me or chunks are thrown at my feet and I notice: "I want, yes, I have to I take a position and take care of myself. I can't ignore that! " This is what happened to the woman who was asked to run for the works council. She asked her colleagues where the shoe pinches. And when she saw the problems, she did not hesitate any longer, but decided to run for election.
Such a dialogical encounter with reality requires a willingness to listen and to be touched. And it takes time! On the other hand, anyone who races through life at supersonic speed, highly active and constantly on the move, will lose hearing and sight at this speed.
A balancing act
Each choice confronts you with the task of bringing the three building blocks of a decision into an approximately balanced relationship: (1) your own talents, limits and current resources; (2) the goals, desires and values; (3) the concrete reality with its requirements and possibilities. Making a wise choice means creating a viable balance between the three poles. And that is always a new challenge – especially because these poles are almost always in tension with one another. Feeling this tension is normal and important. A healthy tension between the poles of a decision adds vigor to life.
A picture from electricity can make this clear: If the voltage between two poles is too low, the lamp cannot light up. If the voltage is too high, the bulb will burn out and burn-out will occur. A well-balanced voltage, on the other hand, causes the lamp to burn permanently and makes the surroundings brighter. There is no life without tension. Making a wise choice means that we are constructive and creative in addressing the existing challenges. The writer Hans Günther Adler puts it this way: "In the tension between the goal and reality we discover the meaning of our life."
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