Crises occur in the best of relationships, but are rarely valued or even used. Couple counselor Eva-Maria Zurhorst knows from her own experience that there is no point in holding out or leaving.
Most of those who come to us want us to save their relationship. And then we are surprised when, taking a closer look, we advise letting go of each other first – with the aim of becoming happy together again. The men are usually happy too early and think: "Great, as a Marlboro man I can continue to ride into my freedom and independence and limit my emotional communication to Morse code." The women are initially disappointed and wonder whether they are being undermined by us in their efforts to get closer and more love and whether they have completely misunderstood our work. Anyone who knows us knows that we actually don't rush people to break up. We believe:Quite a few divorces would not have to happen if we had a better idea of how love actually works and why crises are important for a partnership and can even act like fertilizer on the love life.
A "driver's license for marriage"?
My dream would therefore be to have a happy relationship as a school subject or at least a "driver's license" for marriage: If I were allowed to issue it, I would let people cram out seemingly paradoxes in rows. For example: "A divorce rarely solves my relationship problem." Or: "A crisis is one of the most precious phases in a partnership." Or: "The magic word for love is No." Or – very, very important: "If we want to be really happy with each other again, then we should break up the relationship and only take care of ourselves for now." It is as follows: The path of love leads inwards. And am I being asked the all-important question – go or stay? – I can only say from experience and conviction: neither nor. Walking or staying is usually as good or bad as holding out or running away. Neither of these leads to fulfillment with another person. If you really want to influence the happiness in a relationship and find the way out of a dead end, you first have to go to a diving station inside. In other words: switch from the screen to the hard drive and provide an update there.
Of beliefs and feelings of fear
The problem here are our imprints, fears and beliefs about closeness and feelings. In fact, all of our attachment behavior is largely shaped in the wombs of our mothers and in the first three years of life. And largely through what the people around us believed about love and how they were able to deal with feelings – or not. For our relationship happiness today, this means that we largely run on software from others. In the decisive shaping phase we simply inhaled what was going on in the family and the immediate environment in terms of feelings and partnership. This caused programming in our hearts and has an impact on every emotional decision and encounter to this day, usually without us being even even aware of it.
So most of us are in love driving on autopilot according to our experience. And that's why you're watching helplessly for the umpteenth time as five percent of the heart languish and hope for a fulfilling relationship, while the remaining 95 percent are scared of too much closeness, fear of being abandoned or doubts about themselves – and therefore prefer to slip away instead of getting involved. Or how someone rejects you again in the same familiar way, treats you badly, does not understand, and still decides to stay instead of leaving and taking care of yourself.
And now?
Neither go nor stay, but: Clean up the hard drive. And the point is neither to blame the parents and first relationship teachers from childhood, nor to take on 500 years of self-analysis. Tidying up means: taking care of love in your own life and honestly looking at how much you are not ready for love without knowing it. And now. Relationship is not a supermarket, it grows from what I give and not from what I need. The way I treat myself, so others treat me. The inevitable consequence is that when I change, the relationships around me also change.
But how are you supposed to find out which unconscious relationship killer beliefs and love defense programs you have? That is simple and yet a challenge: At this moment you look around in your (love) life. Whatever is going on – it reflects what your own inner 95 percent believe, even if you consciously long for something else. This seemingly twisted view from the inside to the outside instead of from the outside to the inside can cause a lot of resistance or at least a knot in the head. Then they say: "My partner is cheating. We haven't had sensible sex for years. We lack any closeness. And now I should only deal with myself ?!" Yes, please! Because what you believe about love and your own kindness will be reflected by everyone else around you. So a breakup is often just postponing the real problem – the love bug on your hard drive. If you crack it and clean up yourself, the rest will show up on the outside – must. Conversely, everything you try outside will not be of lasting benefit if nothing changes inside. "Make me happy!" – it does not work. The hope that the other can make you feel safe and secure, loved and understood only makes you a junkie and the other a drug. Even holding still, clinging or moaning does not bring the longed-for closeness – on the contrary, you only push the other further away. And cheat and hope for the great liberation? Activate the usual patterns and imprints at the latest when the new partner becomes everyday life. So the divorce after all? I know countless people who, from divorce to divorce, have built ever higher protective walls against old injuries.
Let go
The only way to a fulfilling partnership: gather all courage, let go of your partner and explore yourself. That's okay if you look in the mirror in the morning: Are you then enthusiastic about the person you see there, does your heart at least feel a little warm for him? Do you follow the path of others or do you dare to dream? When the heart or body give quiet signals and say: "Hey, this is not good for us", do you follow that? Do you set boundaries with others to take care of yourself? Are you a good lover yourself? Or at least a reliable friend?
If not, let go. From all the fighting for the relationship, from all the searching out there, from clinging or raising the partner – and learn what my husband and I call inner work. To do this, you need time for yourself and regular mindfulness and everyday meditation training that leads you inside to your hard drive. Self-coaching like this is not rocket science. With guided listening exercises, for example, you can quietly get rid of old injuries, blocking imprints, irreconcilability, fear of attachment, self-doubt and constant stress – provided you really take the time for this rendezvous with yourself. And provided you have the courage, the it takes to let go of unhealthy relationship patterns and old addictions step by step in everyday life.
Whereby we would be back to the beginning, because this is exactly why we often advise couples to a (temporary) separation. This does not mean that everyone is now diving down and settling in their comfort zone. It is a fundamental letting go of each other with separation of table and bed, in which everyone brings their own life back into power and clears up some of the software problems: "In which areas do I not live the way I want? Where do I lose strength? What do I have to change my relationship with myself in order to feel better? What is bothering me? "
The secret of love
If you come into more and more contact with your inner being, old beliefs and patterns can give way to a new authenticity. You find yourself again and learn not to follow external ideals or the demands of others. Sometimes this also leads to a very clear decision of the heart, which says: "I have to part if I want to be true to myself." But often enough a relationship mysteriously regains momentum if you indulge in this self-love training. I have seen this countless times in my work and in my own marriage: Even if you don't say a word about your inner work, this transformation will not go unnoticed from your partner. And without being able to explain it rationally, movement comes to a standstill. Suddenly the irreconcilability gives way, closeness builds itself up again, the heart opens. With oneself and with the other. And you can feel that there is a secret in love – and that means: staying with yourself.
Eva-Maria Zurhorst coaches the "Club of Dream Women" and in a team with her husband Wolfram. Current book: "Love can do everything" (Arkana).
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