Masturbating when in a relationship, is it normal?

If masturbation is now released and claimed, it still remains taboo within the couple. However, masturbating does not mean being frustrated or dissatisfied, and can lead to sexual fulfillment for two.

Even today, masturbation within the couple remains often hidden, kills, even taboo. And for good reason, it is often associated with a lack of desire for the other, a dissatisfaction during sex, or a practice reserved for single people. So many received ideas that call into question the bond and the couple relationship. Masturbating doesn't make you a bad partner, and enjoying an evening alone to have fun with your Womanizer doesn't have to make you feel guilty. You can have an active sex life and have fun alone! Just as we can not masturbate and have a very fulfilling sexuality.

Masturbating when you're in a relationship, the last taboo?

Within the couple, masturbation is still badly perceived and sometimes raises questions and doubts. "We still drag ourselves the stigma of sub-sexuality", says Claire Alquier, couple therapist and sex therapist. Even today, and although there is more talk on the subject, solitary pleasure refers to frustration. "Masturbation is experienced as the sexuality of single people who have no other choice but to masturbate or of frustrated people who have no other choice but to masturbate to meet their needs", analyzes the sex therapist.

For some people, finding out that their partner is masturbating is a source of pain, and sometimes experienced as betrayal or cheating. When pornography comes into play, this has serious consequences, especially in terms of self-esteem. "I have accompanied quite a few couples where there was often the cliché of the man masturbating while watching porn, which causes a double concern about the dissatisfaction in the female partner", explains Claire Alquier. "For a long time, I suffered from knowing that my partner was masturbating", says Amélie, 27 years old. "And then, masturbating also made me understand that it had nothing to do with the desire that I had for him. It's a different pleasure ”.

Masturbation is experienced as the sexuality reserved for singles

Maud, 32, admits: “Being teleworked, I have to say it's something I do a lot. But sometimes I feel bad, almost ashamed, to give myself pleasure alone when I am in a relationship (and sexually satisfied!) " This guilt weighs particularly heavily on women, as female masturbation has long been stigmatized. In September 2020, a study carried out by the sex toy brand Womanizer highlighted the masturbation gap between cisgender men and women: a masturbatory ditch by 68%.

Masturbation, a precious tool for you and the couple

"Solitary pleasure has benefits on several levels", says Claire Alquier. Without it becoming an injunction, masturbation is often a great way to get to know yourself. "Self-exploration and knowing your own body allows you to understand, as you evolve in your sexuality, what works, what feels good, what does less …", specifies the sex therapist. "So besides the fact of giving pleasure to oneself which is good, it is also a precious tool for the sexual development of the couple", she continues. By knowing your body, it is easier to guide the other on the erogenous zones, to indicate what you like, but also to set your limits, during two-person intercourse.

For many, it is also a personal moment, self care, free and without having to think of the other, just for his pleasure. Don't blame yourself if your partner doesn't often come to your mind when you're having a good time with your favorite vibrator. Masturbation is that little space of your own, where fantasy and imagination have their place. "If there is a place where fantasies can exist – and the essence of fantasies is not always to be fulfilled – it is in these moments of solitary pleasure", adds the expert. However, this solitary pleasure also has a strong erotic and exciting potential for the couple, as the sex therapist reminds us: "We can prepare for the level of arousal when we are going to meet, tell each other masturbation sessions".

Masturbation opens up new perspectives for erotic games. Amélie practices reciprocal masturbation with her partner. "That doesn't prevent me from keeping my moments of pleasure in solo, but it's very exciting for me to watch him give himself pleasure, and vice versa!" It is also a good way to open up to other sexual practices. Sometimes it evolves into a relationship with penetration, sometimes not ”, she tells us.

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Video by Juliette Le Peillet

Should we talk about masturbation with his or her partner?

No obligation to talk about this autoeroticism to his or her partner. For some, masturbation is a secret garden that belongs to them. "I accompany couples who talk about it, others who do not talk about it but know that one and the other practice it and consider that it is ok, respect this form of intimacy there", abounds the sex therapist Claire Alquier. However, having a discussion can make it possible to play down masturbation within the couple, and not to let a taboo or discomfort set in. If one of the two partners sees it badly, you have to be able to talk about it, confirms the sex therapist. “You have to defuse as best you can, by talking about it and explaining to your partner what you are going to look for in this masturbation. Explain that it is a moment of relaxation of oneself with oneself and that it is not necessarily to make up for something ", she explains. According to the TENGA report on the pleasure of masturbating from 2019, 62% of respondents masturbate because it's good, 18% to relax. They only represent 1% to masturbate because they are dissatisfied with their relationships.

Understanding that masturbation and sexual intercourse are not in competition with each other and that, on the contrary, these two activities can even benefit each other, helps and reassures each other. "Masturbation should not be seen as poor sexuality but as personal well-being", assures Claire Alquier. If it is complicated to talk about it, it may be interesting to visit a professional, therapist or sex therapist. "It is often a relation to the norm that is questioned", notes the specialist. A good way to fully enjoy masturbation with your partner, and to flourish as well alone, as with two (or more)!

Thanks to Claire Alquier, sex therapist and couple therapist, clairealquier.com