What to do on the first date And what mistakes are not to be made? We spoke to the flirting expert Nina Deißler.
Finding great love is anything but a self-drive. First message, first date, first sex … getting it all done well can be a little trick. We spoke to relationship expert Nina Deißler about how to be clever on a flirt expedition.
BRIGITTE.de: In which things should you be the same as a couple?
Nina Deissler: A couple should agree in three basic areas so that the conditions for a harmonious partnership are met:
- Ideas that concern the partnership: How do you want to live and love: What does loyalty mean? How important is sex and what kind? Do you want to get married, have children, or none of the above?
- Values and attitude to life: What is important and right? Which basic values and beliefs do you represent (e.g. in relation to politics and ethics)? Here you should be reasonably on the same wavelength.
- Humor: Indeed one of the most underrated areas – but this is where it decides whether a couple has a chance in the long run, as a similar sense of humor gives the opportunity to defuse conflict situations.
Concrete common interests and / or hobbies do no harm, but are actually not as important as often thought. If a couple is similar in values and humor, something will be found that both of them enjoy.
What are the biggest mistakes when looking for a partner?
Too often we get distracted by externals: Many people think they know how someone would have to be to be suitable as a partner. This also often sorts out potential partners because one is paying attention to the wrong things or is based on a wrong idea of oneself. You could call that "operationally blind". Dating apps that broaden the view are practical. "ONCE", for example, is a "Matchmaker" app – which suggests a potential partner that you might not have noticed yourself.
Is the idea of the "perfect partner" just an illusion?
Many singles are looking for someone to complement them, but they often mean that the partner should compensate for certain "deficits". Of course, this cannot work in the long term. I always ask my clients how they see themselves and whether they would partner with someone who is just like them. Some people then get really thoughtful – others feel very liberated because they notice: I don't expect anyone who is perfect, and I don't have to be either.
By the way, men in particular tend to "pounce" on the most visually attractive women when online dating – regardless of whether they fit together. This is often annoying, especially for women: If you post the most attractive photo possible, you will be overrun – also and especially by men you actually don't want to get to know. Average attractive women with "honest" photos, however, often go "empty".
What is the most likely place to meet love?
In fact, the WHERE is not nearly as crucial as the HOW: A person who does not consider himself a good partner, who is uncommunicative and needy, will not have luck in the best place either. People who are open-minded, friendly and charming could meet their dream partner even in the dentist's waiting room. That is exactly what I convey in my seminars: How do I manage to feel good about myself and other people and have a nice life? Everyone is basically their own little world – and flirting means inviting other people into this world. But if this world is dreary and boring, it is not very tempting.
First date sex – yes or no?
Clear no! Sex on the first date creates more problems and misunderstandings than one can use. He could believe that you are "easy to get" – which makes you seem unattractive to him even in 2017. You could regret it and feel bad or – even worse: consider him a dream partner in the intoxication of the bonding hormone oxytocin, although it does not fit in everyday life. On the first date, "sniffing" is the name of the game – if you feel attracted to each other and get on well, you will have plenty of time for sex anyway. And: Isn't anticipation the greatest joy as you know?
Which dates do men not like at all?
In fact, many men prefer to build relationships by "doing" rather than talking: Many male friendships are formed because the men do something together, while we women just like to chat. Accordingly, typical first date ideas – such as meeting for coffee or dinner to talk – are pure stress for many men. Most men feel a lot more comfortable when there is something they can do – even if it's just a walk.
By the way, I think that most singles have far too few dates. I always advise my readers to just see each other for a first date or do something together. Going to the cinema together would also be a good idea: I can determine whether I find someone fundamentally attractive between the cash register and popcorn, and if that is not the case, I have at least seen one (hopefully) good film. If I think my date is good, the next date can be more intense.
And what charming things can I write him after the first date?
After the first date, less is often more. The greatest uncertainty is whether you really want to see each other again – a short but nice gesture would be a message à la: "Thanks for the nice evening / noon / morning". This shows that the sympathy is mutual. Picking up on something that you talked about on the date or maybe even the first beginnings of a common sense of humor are great.
And never forget: It's not about persuading someone: show your best behavior, but remember that it's about whether it "fits". If it doesn't fit, the next date is not far …
In her book "Relationship Status: Complicated" Nina Deißler gives even more helpful flirting and relationship tips. Knaur Verlag is available for 12.99 euros from Amazon.
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