The school sandwiches, the laundry, the holiday preparations, the parents’ evening, the car in the workshop … anything else? It’s called “mental load”: women often have to think about everything, while men just let things go. This imbalance is a problem that affects everyone, says the author Laura Fröhlich.
Interview: Angela Wittmann
“The woman for life is not the girl for everything” is the title of your book, which deals with the topic “mental load”. It was celebrated as a wake-up call, like a loud “Mamaaa” at three in the morning. And that every woman should read it. And then pass it on to two men. At least… What was your wake up call?
Laura Happy: That I broke down We were on vacation. The whole family organization was still up to me. And then I noticed that nobody had thought of doing speech therapy exercises with our son. It’s not a drama, of course, but it was the last straw for me in that moment. That’s when I got the worst rattle I’ve ever had. I sat there and just cried. We then canceled the holiday. And there was another wake-up call: I discovered the topic “Mental Load” with blogger Patricia Cammarata. That was like a revelation, I thought: This is it!
Most mothers now know immediately what “mental load” means. But how do you explain that to men, for example?
As a “mental burden”. Especially when you take care of everything in the family, and especially when you take care of children, there are an awful lot of tasks. You always have to have everything in your head. This thinking and organizational work, this eternal need to keep an eye on everything, often leads to overload. This is the “mental load” phenomenon. You could perhaps describe it as a kind of domestic burnout.
Do most men lack the necessary sense of responsibility to prevent such an overload?
They lack it, but not because they are all lazy or unwilling to get involved. I’m less upset about the men than about the fact that society still pushes us into the old roles from an early age: the man is the main breadwinner, the woman takes care of the children. If we lived in a perfect world, men and women could divide work, household and education among themselves as they wished. Then it wouldn’t be so difficult for fathers to reduce their working hours. But our working time models are still far too inflexible and family-unfriendly.
What do you specifically want from fathers? What should they change?
Firstly, I wish that fathers would take responsibility in the workplace and say out loud that their family needs them now. That they sometimes say: “I reduce my working hours.” Or: “I’m not doing overtime today.”
And secondly?
Secondly, fathers should really take responsibility at home. And don’t just remain passive and say: “If you had said something, I would have done it too.” A father should see that his child needs new boots. And then go out with him and buy some. Finished.
After your collapse, you turned everyday family life upside down. How did you manage that?
A very clear structure helped my husband and me to find a fair solution and actually share the “mental load”. We now do it as an organization team: on Sunday afternoons there is a fixed “kitchen meeting” to plan the week. We use “Trello” as an organization app. And even if this all sounds very technical: The good old Excel list for assigning tasks has proven its worth for us. For everyone who is afraid of such tables: I have already done some preliminary work and created an “ultimate control board list”. You can use it as a template on my blog www.heuteistmusik.de download.
Is such a list then at the same time a manual for everyday family life?
Absolutely. And this is particularly important in times of crisis. That saved my husband and I when we were both at the attack due to the Corona state of emergency. Nevertheless, we never had the feeling that the other person was resting here on my tedious work. And such instructions are also important if someone really gets sick or has to go to the hospital. A year ago I was spooking around the kitchen with a flu infection, filling the washing machine, reminding the whole family of appointments, collecting the children’s things… When my husband got sick a week later, he didn’t have to go out get up from the bed but was able to recover in peace. Only when everyone is able to cope with everyday life on their own can you, as a mother, really recover or just take it easy. Incidentally, such instructions for everyday family life do not only work as an Excel list. If you want, you can just write everything in a notebook.
What if you don’t have a partner who can take something off your hands?
In general, something urgently needs to happen for single parents in our society. Otherwise they will really be crushed by the burden they are carrying. At the moment I can only advise: Let everything fall over the back that is not absolutely necessary. Don’t let the mother myth drive you crazy. Nothing has to be perfect.
And dare to ask for help. And it would be nice if all parents would also actively approach single parents and offer their help wherever possible.
What do you say to critics who dismiss dealing with “mental load” as a luxury problem?
Of course, mothers like the author Patricia Cammarata and I are privileged because we have partners who are easy to talk to. Maybe that’s why we’re already so relieved that we’ve even been able to write books about “mental load”. Most mothers a) don’t even know what they are suffering from. And b) have no time or energy to read at all and to create any spreadsheets or to fight against their overload. We now owe it to these women to draw attention to this problem. “Mental load” is not a luxury problem, it is much more than the question of who writes the toothpaste on the shopping list. Very few break down like I do on vacation and then have a husband who becomes active and helps – they break down completely. That’s why the discussion about “mental load” isn’t just a private matter. This is a highly political and social issue.
Do you see yourself as a pioneer in this matter?
You can also become a champion at the kitchen table at home with the weekly distribution of tasks. We women can no longer shoulder all this care work and family organization alone until we collapse. We have to show solidarity and get impatient, loud and angry because we don’t want to be nice, quiet and available anymore. We have to raise our voice, even for those who just can’t take it anymore. We should start the revolution at home and take it to the streets and to the public. I have a feeling there will be many of us.
Patricia Cammarata is a graduate psychologist, project manager, blogger (www.dasnuf.de) and lives with her three children and her partner in Berlin. She introduced the term “mental load” in Germany. Her book offers specific tips on how to spread the load:“Get out of the mental load trap – how to achieve a fair division of labor in the family” (224 pages, 17.95 euros, Beltz).
Laura Happy works as a journalist, in online marketing and lives near Ludwigsburg with her husband and three children. On her blog (www.heuteistmusik.de) she deals with compatibility and feminism. More on the mother myth and what needs to change: “The lady for life is not the girl for everything – what parents gain when they share the mental load” (192 p., 16 euros, Kösel).