We speak of a mixed couple when the two partners do not share the same religion, the same skin color or the same origins. But should we be concerned about these differences? Perceive diversity as a possible obstacle? We discussed it with Cécile Guéret, couple therapist and author of "To love is to take the risk of surprise" (ed. Albin Michel).
She's a Muslim, he's an atheist. It is mat skin, she displays a porcelain complexion in July. He grew up five thousand kilometers from France, she took the Paris metro at two months. So goes the couple: we all disembark with our suitcases, our country of origin, our nationality, our education, our religion – or not, and our family – or not. However, should we underline the differences between the partners when they affect social and cultural diversity, to the point of renaming these couples “mixed couples”?
A bit stigmatizing this label that we can discover here and there, always accompanied by advice on how to cope, as if certain mixtures were too ambitious and could turn sour.
"What raises questions for the mixed couples whom I accompany in therapy often comes from outside, explains Cécile Guéret, couple therapist. In other words, it is the gaze, comments and anxieties of others (family, colleagues, passers-by, etc.) that can transform, in some mixed couples, classic concerns that are common to many into a problem. "
One thing is certain: a mixed couple, because of their origins for example, are not necessarily more mixed than a vegetarian / non-vegetarian, brown / blond, male / female couple. However, while it is tempting to dismiss the expression "mixed couple", we cannot deny the difficulties that some couples encounter, relating (precisely) to a society attached to the image of the "similar" couple.
The gaze of others, the first difficulty of the mixed couple
Because they are said to be "mixed" and because this label is not easy to peel off, couples sometimes experience remarks and looks that unsettle them more than their differences. Of course, comments and looks are the lot of many – we all experience them and have a beautiful collection, and the couple is no exception, since they remain "a social entity", notes Cécile Guéret , so that society has the right to oversee love and marriage.
But the way others look at the couple, however discreet it may be, is also rooted in the notion of the “ideal couple”. In other words, you should get along perfectly, be on the same wavelength, understand each other in all points of view, have met in the village and wear a sweater around your neck on Sundays by the sea. This perception derives in part from what is called the Platonic ideal, in reference to the myth of double or whole men reported by Aristophanes in Plato's Banquet : “The myth tells us that men were twofold; they had two faces, four arms and four legs, etc. Cut in two by Zeus, struck by incompleteness, each then tried to find the lost unity by uniting with his half ", details Cécile Guéret.
We would therefore have been separated from our soul mate, which is why we have the feeling that we have to "hide" with the person who resembles us closest to us, also because that reassures us – it seems less risky to us and, by advance, fluidity, a guarantee of strength and durability. This soul mate will be the pot of our lid, to use the saying (and even more crazy, we will have the same arms and the same legs). "This ideal discourages differentiation", continues the therapist, who recalls that the vitality of the couple is expressed more in openness to novelty: it is the difference that makes the movement of the couple, and the more we are different, the more we nourish ourselves, the more we take awareness of our individual uniqueness, so that we do not fall into the trap of fusion and “saving” love (without you, I am nothing).
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All couples are mixed couples
The great news is that we are all different. "We all have ways of being, of doing, of experiencing the world, of understanding the world, which are extremely different, and in that, all couples are mixed", defends Cécile Guéret.
If you are more of the type to fold your pancakes while your partner is a rolled pancake fetishist, you are by definition a mixed couple, since you do not meet the Platonian ideal. And then there are those who cook in butter and those who cook in olive oil. And here too, it is a question of diversity. At first glance, we don't believe much in it, but as Cécile Guéret explains, cooking is part of our culture and our way of cooking is (also) inspired by our origins: "Obviously, religion can raise questions of meaning, which can be deeper than a story of buttery pasta", details the therapist, who emphasizes that all the differences between individuals, whatever they are – and even anecdotal – are essential.
Question consessions and never judge your partner
Beyond the gaze of others, mixed couples can indeed face their differences head-on, where a couple who maintains as their main disagreement the folding of pancakes will put the subject more quickly in the closet. These differences, when they are not pointed out by strangers, relatives, family – who can express their opposition – sometimes appear on the occasion of major events such as weddings, the birth of a child or funerals, since each religion and culture evolves with its own rites.
In these situations, we can find ourselves in a dead end, but this dead end is not inevitable: “The most important thing is to be able to talk about it. As long as there is respect, that one does not impose anything on the other, that one is interested in his vision of the world without judging it and without caricaturing it, mixing does not cause a problem, it is even a wealth ", notes the therapist.
Faced with issues that are more difficult to tackle and deal with, such as children's education or religious holidays (Passover, Easter, Ramadan, etc.), the therapist suggests looking for the happy medium and questioning possible adjustments. Sometimes the partners are not so attached to certain traditions or do not see a problem with the other participating in them, and it is in dialogue – with tolerance and listening to what each feels and projects – that the couple finds an understanding and does not see it more weakened than a couple decreed as “not mixed”.
On the education of children, and even with very few so-called diversity criteria, we can find ourselves sharing dynamic conversations, full of disagreements: "Parenthood can shake up our principles and we all have different ways of doing things".
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Dealing with family when they are opposed to difference
The family, and more particularly the parents, can sometimes stand up as an obstacle, “the last of the der”, the one that comes to shake up our established understanding. However, it all depends on the degree of importance that we give to the family, and also the place that we decide to give it: some are very concerned about the gaze of their relatives, the father and the mother, while others seek to free themselves from it.
Still, meeting a "different" lover can be a catalyst: by dating this person and discovering that our family does not follow us in this adventure, we can take stock of ourselves, who counts, what we really want, on the choices to come.
As Cécile Guéret reminds us, we both have two fundamental anxieties within us: the anxiety of separation, of isolation, and the anxiety of dependence, of enslavement. But these anxieties have their equivalent in "needs": we need to belong to a group (our family, our couple), and a need for uniqueness and autonomy.
Ultimately, it's all about the cursor between anxieties and needs: if I want to distance myself from my family, is it out of a need for autonomy or anxiety about dependency? If, on the contrary, I want to please my family and respect this environment of mine, is it out of a need to belong or separation anxiety? Besides, the mixed couple can think about all that: the family is not always a brake, it is a good way – when it makes its own and is opposed to the relationship – to question our deep desires. And in this deep desire, where do our spouse and our couple live?
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Values and the desire to be together, much more important than diversity
Where couples find the strength to move forward and overcome certain difficulties, it is in the values, that is, the form that we seek to give to our existence together. "Our visions of the world and of the future run deeper than the way they are embodied in a profession, a relationship, a geographical origin", specifies Cécile Guéret who adds to this that the desire to be two, as a couple, remains a strength.
To go further and make room, precisely, for our values and this desire to be together, it is also interesting to give others the possibility of living their religion and their culture. "It can be intimate and respecting this space without trying to know everything can be a good thing", notes the therapist.
In the other, there is always mystery, sometimes even the elusive, and not to “know” and “understand” everything is not dramatic – we mistakenly believe that we must “master” life. of his partner on the fingertips to love each other, as if the shadows prevented love, true love. "Not knowing everything also means recognizing that we are not all-powerful, which makes for a fairer, more balanced relationship. "
We all have to deal with otherness, and also to silence this little dictatorial inclination that drives us. So, let's accept our differences, the differences, and let's see how everything is better when everyone moves quietly in their space.