Modern family life: daddy's gifts and old patterns

Mr. Maiwald, more and more fathers are taking parental leave and looking after the household and child, but three quarters of them only do the classic two months. Modern fathers with a baby in a sling are still more hope than normal. Why?

Kai-Olaf Maiwald: In fact, fathers are present, but they mostly play or plan trips. They still don't care much about everyday supplies, laundry or cooking. And: fathers spend more time with their offspring as soon as the more strenuous baby and toddler age is over. One can speak of a kind of slowed down modernization. For mothers with young children, all of this leads to a double burden due to wage and care work, which most fathers have not yet received. Papas simply feel less responsible for getting involved. Hence the shorter parental leave.

Do we unconsciously adhere to traditional roles?

I don't think the roles are still firmly anchored in us. Today, hardly anyone really believes that women belong in the kitchen.

In your studies, you examine how women and men divide housework, especially when they become parents. Why do many couples distribute the household evenly, and as soon as there is a child, does that suddenly change?

That is indeed true, and we can observe this particularly in the case of middle-class families. Studies show that while people have understood gender equality best in theory, they live least in practice. This has less to do with role models than with the dynamics in couple relationships. It is often about a need for self-fulfillment that is enforced by one of the partners, while the other of the two retreats. And there seems to be a kind of mutual silence about this.

How can this be broken through?

It's as simple as it is effective: by talking. The basis should be that the profession, that of father and mother, is understood as a common project in the family. When a child is due to be born, the question should no longer be who cares about the household and the child, but how long one or both partners will feel responsible for it. It is also important to define the end for these periods and to think about what comes after. However, many couples simply lack solidary relationship practice.

What do you mean?

It should be much more the agreement: my problem is your problem too. This also includes the job. The question must be asked: How do we do this now? After the promotion, don't think about how to sell it to your partner, but say: "That's the offer, what do we do with it?" Incidentally, it is also not in solidarity if both return to work after one year, but the woman also takes care of the household and the children for many years. While only six percent of fathers work part-time, the figure for mothers is almost 70 percent.

But many couples choose the classic model because it deserves more.

Money can be an argument. But every couple should also check whether wages really have priority or whether there are other reasons. If the person who earns less is more concerned with self-realization, then this should also be allowed to play a role. One could also argue that if the woman earns less, she should start again sooner in order to set the course earlier for more wages. The father already earns enough, then he can stay out longer.

Are employers ready for new fathers?

Companies have to shake off this constant availability and pay less attention to presence. But I also see the family as obliged to complain about such problems. That means: go confidently, express criticism and demand what is necessary. Companies know that people in conflictual relationships are less able to work. You have your own interest in being family-friendly. At least in theory.

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