Love is the answer to all questions? Not quite. It also makes quite a few. Psychologist and couple therapist Oskar Holzberg answers them all.
In a nutshell:
That one can expect feelings of rejection and territorial struggles instead of great happiness.
Now in detail:
Lukas and Diana say they no longer understand themselves. They love each other, but at the moment they are constantly in their hair, it is getting worse. They later tell me that they have only been living together for a few weeks: she moved into his house, where he had lived as a child. Now I'm confused. Isn't that quite obviously the reason for their conflicts? But when I say that, the couple is again irritated: No, it was a dream come true for them. Finally living together, in the green, with plenty of space for the planned children. You had everything you wanted now. But what they have is a fierce territorial battle that they don't want to admit.
Contracting is always a challenge.
Moving in together is always a challenge. The huge round lid chest from 1784, the only heirloom of his uncle Balduin, does not come over the doorstep. He declares war on each and every gem in her hundred-piece 1950s vase collection. She wants the room to the garden as a bedroom, he wants it as a study. Is your English country house crockery on the breakfast table or his Swedish design plates from now on? And why does she always put the yogurt in the wrong fridge compartment? What is good, coherent and natural for us goes to our partner as completely senseless and superfluous on the biscuit and vice versa. We have to clarify, negotiate, put back and find compromises.
© Ilona Habben
And all this is all the more true when suddenly two leave their fragrance brands in the area, which one previously claimed for itself. Then one struggles to conquer its place so as not to remain a guest in one's own apartment forever. And the other struggles to give up what was usual, loved and taken for granted, without feeling pushed out and dominated by the intruder. That's what happens between Diana and Lukas: they are angry with each other. He feels constantly criticized because nothing is good enough and right anymore. She feels small and dependent, as if she and her needs are worth less. As a couple, it's easy to get into a parent-child dynamic.
Why it's rarely as easy as you think
It would be best clearing the apartment completely empty, converting it according to common plans and then moving in together again. Then there will be no argument later about the photo print selected by the ex. But that would be expensive and time-consuming. And it will happen more often, especially for cost reasons, that one moves into the other's apartment if the rent and house prices continue to explode and more and more patchwork constellations are looking for living space. So it only helps to realize that it's rarely easy.
But what couples can do: go through all the rooms and plan in detail how the apartment should look like. And let each other understand the stories that bind them to certain furniture and things. Only when we know what his record collection and their soft toys stand for, and only when we collectively understand the emotional meaning, can we set up together as a couple, where only one had his territory before.
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