While the world is suffering from "social distancing", BRIGITTE editor Alexandra Zykunov wants nothing more than distance. Otherwise she fears "unsocial divorcing".
If you read this, the man and I could be separated. "In China, the divorce rate is skyrocketing," he called to me many weeks ago (in what felt like a different life) between our routines of job, picking up kids, and having dinner. I tidied up the kitchen, he was fun for the kids and I rocked myself safely that we would easily master the shutdown for a few weeks. As if!
Social cohesion – the couple's antant
Today I want to jump in the face of all the celebrities who have been praying in videos for ages about how one should simply learn a new language (yes, how many more ?!). In any case, I no longer notice anything from "Social Distancing". But a lot of "social hanging", followed by "social fighting" and vulting "social divorcing" at the other end of the hall.
After weeks of the home office-with-kids debacle, there was a new problem: the "couple's anta". It feels like the man and I are being sent early retirement. We sit on top of each other in the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and children's room, see, hear, smell everything that can be so beautifully hidden on an eight-hour day in a nice, tidy and crumb-free office. For example, what happens when you realize that the 50/50 distribution of tasks actually intended is not so given? When the load of crockery from a family of four explodes, I clean the dishwasher three times a day and it becomes clear that the man ("Where were the tabs again?") Did it the last time a hundred years ago? It is usually extreme situations that bring such inequalities to light.
I mean, yes, he goes out with the kids half of the day so I can work, yes, he does more shopping and yes, he puts them to bed every other night. But what if the man sees his part of the car work as done – and leaves handicrafts, holey pants or bedding loads to me? In addition, short-time work, constant concern for your own parents – all of this is part of the so-called density stress, which has driven couples to the heat in the past few weeks. What you only know from animals that are crammed together with symptoms such as apathy or aggression can now be observed in Homo sapiens.
The current situation is simply a major stress trigger
"More tolerance, less nagging," the advisors suggest. How the hell are you supposed to do that when your greasy sports bag is lying around in the hallway for weeks and I just want to throw it at you? "We now have to give the other even more space," says psychologist Philipp Herzberg from Helmut Schmidt University. "So don't run into the other room all the time, don't look for the charging cable there, and don't ask them to take care of the children for a moment." And: rather argue while walking. Please what? What sounds like a bad corona joke is even proven: you concentrate on running, walking side by side, so that this head-on aggressiveness disappears.
Nevertheless, the question arises how much argument is actually okay. The Gottman constant, known from conflict research, named after the psychologist John Gottman, says that you should have experienced five beautiful things until the shreds are allowed to fly. Five nice things – does someone just have to laugh? "Yes, we argue more often now, we have to accept that," says Herzberg. But a constant is a constant, even in Corona times. If the conflicts accumulate, we should just increase the nice experiences. Ah yes.
If only the fundamental debates did not start now. When he is happy every evening to have no more leisure stress, but I have been mourning the nightly sinking with friends for weeks. When he draws his strength from the intensive time with the children, I have board game panic attacks and he accuses me of setting priorities incorrectly. How do you manage not to question the whole relationship? Through empathy, says Herzberg. Why does the other react like this? What does he or she need? And: will these problems really still be important after Corona? "The current situation is simply a major trigger for stress. People are familiar with this either from threatening situations – or from simple family celebrations. At Easter we would have argued, but we would have known it would pass. And that's just the way it is. "
Dealing with the crisis
Honestly, I didn't care when I freaked out about his smelly sports bag. I just hated everything she stood for in her I don't care mentality. "You know what, Alex, I wish you a different man so that you can finally see what you had on me!" He smashed at me. Then I sat crying for two hours in our abandoned daycare center.
I know that these are all privileged problems, no comparison to precarious family situations, we have to keep that in mind much more often. "In the end, it helps to ask yourself: If I move closer together with the partner, does that wreck me or do I draw my strength from somewhere?" Good question …
The next day the man apologized. Via WhatsApp, after all. "I don't want a new discussion," I said in the evening, "but you really have to understand that I deal with the crisis differently. Not everyone is like you. And you have to do more in the household, please. I see what you already have do everything … "(through the teeth then)" … I should probably say it more often. " Boah, how annoying I am, this pedagogically valuable "I see you"! Probably because I don't want to hear anything other than exactly that. We all do that. At all times. Corona or not.
Attention, spoiler: After many weeks of "couple antantas" Alexanda Zykunov and her husband are still together. He always sends her articles about her "privileged whine of wellbeing" and she gives him marriage tips for mutual recognition. Also a kind of communication …
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