Narcissism in a relationship: “At first it’s exciting, then it gets complicated”

Narcissism in a relationship
“At first it’s exciting, then it gets complicated”

If the partner in a relationship suddenly displays narcissistic behavior, things can fly from time to time. Many believe that love cannot last long. However, Mitja Back, personality psychologist and author of “I! The Power of Narcissism” (Kösel Verlag): “Relationships with narcissists are also possible in the long term,” he emphasizes in an interview with the news agency spot on news.

How do narcissists behave in a relationship?

Mitja Back: Relationships with narcissists are often very exciting at the beginning and full of joy of life. Lots of exciting things to do and experiences. Partners often have the feeling that completely new life possibilities are opening up. As soon as everyday life sets in, things become more complicated. Narcissists love “playing with love” and flirting with others. And because of their charming and self-confident nature, they often have more alternative options. This makes “cheating” a real issue and can make romantic relationships with narcissists pretty shaky. In addition, because of their sense of entitlement, narcissists often behave selfishly in relationships, do not participate equally in sharing the burdensome responsibilities of living, and take more than they give. And they provoke conflicts more often, then lead them more harshly and are less willing to forgive and apologize afterwards.

Are relationships with narcissists even possible in the long term?

Back: Yes, relationships with narcissists are also possible in the long term. It is a horror story that relationships with narcissists are always “toxic” and that you will inevitably be manipulated and exploited by narcissists. It’s important to make it clear to yourself what you want and can do in love. And this also includes reflecting on how well your own preferences when selecting romantic partners match your own wishes for a long-term relationship. Narcissists bring excitement and variety but also conflict and uncertainty into a relationship. Confident decisions for or against such relationships are more recommended than repeatedly complaining about relationships with narcissists.

Can narcissists show love?

Back: Contrary to the frequently expressed warning that narcissists are incapable of understanding and showing feelings, most narcissists have the completely normal human ability for empathy and love – and the need for it. It’s just that they do it less often. But that’s not because they can’t do it because of some pathological deficit or relationship trauma. From their point of view, they often have better things to do. Narcissists strive more uncompromisingly than other people for personal advancement and the achievement of something new. Therefore, there is less life energy and time left for getting along with other people and for the close relationships that exist.

How should you deal with narcissists?

Back: When it comes to more or less helpful relationships with narcissists, as I said, it is first important to start with yourself and reflect on your own needs in relationships. When dealing with narcissists, three Gs are particularly helpful: enjoyment, justice and boundaries. Firstly, it is recommended to enjoy the excitement together, to take the energy with you and to experience the adventures – but also to allow independence and to give both the narcissist and yourself the necessary space. Secondly, you should do justice to the narcissist and yourself. You should recognize the personality of the other person and not condemn them, but you should also not ignore misconduct. There is no hidden traumatized core that needs to be carefully retrieved, rescued, healed – narcissists can be held responsible for the side effects of their pursuit of status as normal. You don’t have to have a catalog of manipulation tactics in mind. The natural expectation of equal communication and the demand for sensible behavior is enough. And that brings us to the third point: setting limits. This is not easy with narcissists and should be done as calmly as possible: do not escalate, rather let the narcissistic storm pass. Then clearly state your own needs and set clear boundaries where necessary. No long press, but friendly, determined clarity. Communicate wisely: appreciation, specific naming of the problem and approach to the solution, positive outlook. Of course, that doesn’t have to work and sometimes deciding against the relationship can be the right solution.

Can narcissists change?

Back: As is the case with all personality traits, people’s narcissism can change throughout their lives. For example, through new experiences in friendships, partnerships or at work. At the same time, we know that differences in narcissism are fairly stable over long periods of time. If you are relatively narcissistic at 19, you will probably still be narcissistic at 35. And the great aunt making big speeches at the family party is very likely also reflecting her youthful narcissism. The goal shouldn’t be to necessarily change narcissists anyway, but rather to deal with narcissism as happily and successfully as possible – your own and that of other people.

When can therapy help with narcissism?

Back: Being narcissistic has no disease value and does not require treatment, just as one does not necessarily have to go to therapy because of a higher level of shyness or a very fastidious nature. On average, narcissism is even associated with higher mental health. But of course narcissists can also get sick. And for some, their narcissism may have been important. These are often people who have failed again and again with their narcissistic life strategy, with their excessively high demands on themselves and their lives. Who claim to be and achieve something special, to achieve recognition and admiration, but can never really achieve these goals. Who are getting their elbows out more and more often and then slipping even deeper into conflicts. Deep insults in a relationship or job often play a role. Narcissists who fail in life still think that they are actually special, but no longer believe that the world will realize that. They become bitter, cynical, they feel bad. Therapy is not about “treating away” narcissism, but rather about finding more useful and flexible ways to deal with one’s own narcissism, for example, recognizing the more relaxed approach to criticism as a sign of greatness rather than as weakness.

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