Those who have narcissistic parents often endure years of emotional abuse. A psychologist shares tips on how to get out of this toxic relationship.
Narcissistic people want to be admired, need constant validation and attention—and respond with varying degrees of cruelty at the mere threat that their wildly unstable self-image might suffer.
In romantic as well as platonic relationships, narcissistic people are toxic – but there is probably no other form of relationship in which these people cause more damage than in that between parent and child. Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave deep emotional scars, like severalstudies showed.
How to break away from such a person in adulthood? Psychologist Ramani Durvasula provides tips on how this can be achieved.
What narcissism can look like in the family Who am I? Many children with narcissistic parents live(lived) only for their needs and lost sight of their own. © Cristina Conti / Adobe Stock
As children, we are dependent on our parents: They provide us with a roof over our heads, clothing and food and – in the best case – have an eye on our needs. However, this is not the case with a narcissistic parent. People who have such a personality disorder focus primarily on themselves and only pay attention to the child when it acts on them.
This usually works well for a while, until the child develops a will of its own and its needs and issues come to the fore more. The love of narcissistic parents is not unconditional, but often linked to expectations that serve the father or mother.
Growing up with someone who makes love and affection conditional is likely to suffer problems in adulthood such as:
- anxiety disorders
- Strong self-criticism / low self-esteem
- Inability to set and keep boundaries
- fear of loss
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Here’s how to break away from a narcissistic parent
First of all, you need to be aware of one thing: You are no longer the dependent child you were back then! Years ago, you were completely at the mercy of the actions and transformations of the narcissistic parent. You didn’t deserve everything that happened to you during this time – the critical, hurtful and poisonous words and actions. It is important to realize that you despite of such a childhood you have become a person who deserves to be loved and to love yourself.
Deal with the personality disorder
Dealing with the topic of narcissism can also be helpful, writes psychologist Durvasula in Psychology Today. Learn what it means to be narcissistic, try to find out why your parent acted the way you did when you were a child and talk to people who have had similar experiences, because you are not alone! There are many forums and support groups where you can connect with other victims of narcissism in the family, as well as these Telephone Counseling (can be reached online or by calling 0800 1110111).
Accept that your parents are who they are
Keep trying “radical acceptance,” as the psychologist puts it. “It’s not about accepting or tolerating your parents’ mistakes,” Durvasula clarifies, “but about unlearning to give yourself responsibility for everything.” It should be about seeing your parents for who they are without making excuses for their behavior. And one should admit how badly your parents hurt you and realize that it is not your responsibility to change them.
“The chance that your parents will change is about zero, after all they are already adults and if you make a commitment to change them you will die of exhaustion and disappointment. Be the best version of yourself instead.”
Build a stable social environment
According to the psychologist, it is also important to build up a social environment away from home. “Find people who make you feel safe and valued,” says Durvasula. She also advises seeking therapeutic help on the subject of narcissism and/or discussing it in group discussions with other sufferers.
Decide for yourself what the relationship with the narcissistic parent should be like
Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide how you want your relationship with your parents to look in the future. Sometimes cutting contact (even temporarily) is a solution, depending on how toxic your relationship is. Breaking off contact in particular can seriously offend the narcissistic parent – because it loses control – but on the other hand there is a possibility (albeit very small) that the relationship will recover as a result.
Sources used: psychologytoday.com, psychologie-heute.de, choosingtherapy.com, researchgate.net, clinndmedjournals.org, braininformatics.springeropen.com