Misconceptions surrounding aromantism are rife and are often erroneous and discriminating. So let’s take a quick look at this sentimental and relational orientation.
There is no one way to relate and love people. Yet, whether in other people’s speech or in movies, romantic love relationships always take precedence as the undeniable source of happiness. Some people do not recognize themselves in this way of loving, which is far from being innate and neutral. Among them are aromantic people. Being aromantic, according to the very rich and precise blog Queer Life, means that one feels little or no romantic attraction to any gender: “an aromantic person is therefore not heteromantic and therefore not hetero (which has the meaning of heterosexual AND heteromantic)”. The ignorance and general contempt for the sexual and sentimental orientations as well as for the gender identities that come out of cisgender heterosexuality cause many people to discredit and do not understand that we want to break out of the norm. In the context of aromantic people, we will therefore believe that these people are heartless, even that they are immature and that they have not yet found THE right person.
Read also: Love at first sight: the complex reality of a dusty myth
Being aromantic does not necessarily mean being asexual.
Also, we very often confuse aromantism and asexuality. While a person can be both – they do not feel romantic and sexual attraction, but thrive in friendships, family or other relationships – one is not dependent on the other. An aromantic person will be able to flirt, develop very intense friendships, have sex without ever falling in love. She will be no less happy, nor failing. Conversely, an asexual person will not sleep with their partners, but may fall in love with them.
Romantic relationships aren’t the only things that make us happy
In a video posted by Têtu magazine, Maxime, aromantic, talks about his experience, precisely to deconstruct received ideas in this area. “We are often confronted with what is called amatonormativiity, he said, it is a dogma of thought that puts the romantic relationship as the main goal which would be the almost unique source of happiness“. According to him, it is quite possible to be in a relationship with an alloromantic person (a person who feels romantic attraction for others, editor’s note) when one is aromantic. For the simple and good reason that it there is no one way to love others and bond.
The importance of finding other ways to love and name yourself
This is also affirmed by Antonia Gueudar Delahaye, psychologist and psychotherapist in Neuilly-sur-Seine. “There are as many ways to love each other as there are people. It’s up to everyone to find their own way of doing things with the other” she explains. She insists in particular on the fact that being aromantic is not a symptom, nor inevitably a problem, for her patients: “People who call themselves aromantic choose this mode so that it doesn’t cause symptoms. It resonates with what we psychoanalysts call contemporary subjectivity. That is to say, aromantic people name and make a community together. It is a form of identity that passes, among other things, through the recognition of the other“.
People are then victims of arophobia
Rather than pathologizing a sentimental orientation or an identity, it is therefore important to understand that the heterosexual couple in love is not the only solution for living well. “We all tend to believe that others think like us. From there, we attribute our own representation of the world to others” details Antonia Gueudar Delahaye. “So we’re going to think that those who define themselves as aromantic haven’t yet discovered that romantic relationships don’t happen like that.“, she concludes. This is what La Vie en queer calls arophobia or discrimination against aromantic people.
In its questioning of the straight norm, aromantism is part of the struggles of the LGBTQIA+ community. La Vie en queer insists that historically, aromantic struggles were carried on by bisexual people. From now on, a large part of young adults and teenagers take charge of this questioning in order to find a way of loving that fulfills them fully. But insights can happen at any age. “There are life events that open up other fields. Often, separations happen after you have followed a conventional path with marriage and children.“, explains Paulina Gueudar Delahaye. “The message to convey is that there are no conventions in sentimental relationships and it is when we refer to an ideal that failures in relationships come“, she concludes.
This is also what highlights the episode devoted to the aromantism of the podcast Love(s), directed by Bettina Zourli. When talking with an aromantic person, the main idea that comes back is that it is essential to know what we want for ourselves rather than forcing ourselves to fit into boxes that will not make us happy. se.