Developed in the 1960s by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, nonviolent communication (or “NVC” for short) is a method of caring communication that allows you to simply express your needs, desires, desires and limits. . without hurting or offending the interlocutor.
Non-violent communication, to better manage conflicts in the couple
“In the context of the couple (whether homosexual or heterosexual, exclusive or not, conventional or not…), non-violent communication is particularly relevant” says psychologist and psychoanalyst Saverio Tomasella.
Why ? “As a couple, we tend to have a lot of expectations of othersreplies the psychologist. In particular, we hope that the other person changes. This creates tensions, reproaches, misunderstandings, disappointments, conflicts, couple arguments…much more than in other types of relationships, whether friendly or professional.”
Furthermore, as the expert recalls, “as a couple, you generally live constantly with your partner, which only amplifies this tense climate!“
The whole principle of non-violent communication (NVC) is precisely to “make the effort to move away from blaming your partner and instead talk about yourself. We use the personal “I” rather than the accusatory “you”” develops Saverio Tomasella. A little reflex that really improves the quality of the couple’s relationship…
Nonviolent communication: what are the 4 pillars? Examples and tutorial!
Concretely, what does nonviolent communication (NVC) consist of?
Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a method that is divided into 4 steps:
- Observe without evaluating or accusing. For example: “I notice that it is only me who vacuums the house”; “I notice that I am the only one doing the dishes”; “I notice that we never invite my family to our house”; “I observe that it is always me who takes the children to school”… Just mention facts, without intention or feelings.
- Express your feelings or feelings in the first person singular. For example: “When you behave this way / when this situation arises / when I analyze what is happening…, I feel disappointed, sad, angry, angry, depressed, worried, anxious…” Try to use “the” right word to best describe what you feel.
- Express your need. For example: “to feel better, I need to be listened to, respected, considered, to be able to rest, to have a little time for myself…” Of course, the expressed need must be able to be clearly related to the formulated problem.
- Ask without demanding. For example: “Following this conversation, I ask you to vacuum once a week / put the children to bed every night / give me two hours of rest each day…” Make a clear and concise request that reflects your intention.
Attention ! “Keep in mind that at the fourth step of the process, your spouse has every right to say “no”: nonviolent communication (NVC) is not a magical method that allows you to impose your wishes, it’s a tool to better discuss with others!” warns Saverio Tomasella.
Once you have reviewed the 4 steps of nonviolent communication (NVC), it is your partner’s turn to do the same… and we repeat the cycle until the problem is resolved. Obviously, it is imperative that both partners listen to each other (with empathy and respect) for it to work… Verbal violence is absolutely prohibited!
How to learn to communicate non-violently as a couple?
How to establish non-violent communication (NVC) in your relationship? “The best thing is to discuss it “cold”, that is to say before an argument arises.” explains the psychologist. We can, for example, say to the other person: “I discovered this method, it will help us to discuss better, to argue less and to find solutions to our problems. I plan to try it next time we argue, do you agree?”
When a couple’s argument breaks out, “sit down, take a deep breath and try to follow the four steps of the protocol in a very academic way: at first, it will probably seem artificial and mechanical but, over time, NVC will certainly become a reflex with your partner.” For some people, it may be easier to carry out this exercise in writing.
And if the situation is really explosive, give yourself time to calm down and instead meet up for a “meeting” to discuss…
Nonviolent communication: 3 books (with exercises) to learn the basics
Here are some books to leaf through to learn how to concretely apply the principles of non-violent communication as a couple. In particular, we find exercise ideas:
- Be truly yourself, fully love others! Nonviolent Communication in couples and between friends – Marshall Rosenberg, ed. Youth.
- Non-violent communication is smart – Geneviève Bouchez Wilson and Pascale Molho, ed. Leduc pocket.
- Small Nonviolent Communication Workbook – Dr. Anne Van Stappen, ed. Youth.
Thanks to Saverio Tomasella, doctor of psychology and psychoanalyst, author of Fusion relationships (ed. Eyrolles).
Read also :
⋙ Couple: here is the mistake to avoid so as not to argue more (or less)
⋙ Couple’s arguments: what are the effective techniques for reestablishing dialogue?
⋙ 5-5-5 method: the technique to try to defuse a couple argument