True equality between parents is best achieved in the alternating model. Steep thesis? Our author lives it and writes here why.
One thing in advance: This is not a recommendation to break up! We did it anyway and have been living the change model for four years. We are our daughters, 8 and 11, dad and me. Equality was also a topic that concerned us as a couple, but only now we are too.
There is a lot of discussion about equal parenting. A family life in which both parents take on care work to an equal extent and are equally financially secure is the ideal. Especially for the many women who still primarily look after the children and the household, but also for the fathers who want to take on more tasks and spend more time with their kids. Relief for everyone, career for everyone, mental load for everyone.
The reality is different
When I look around my community, I see many women working part-time who take care of the offspring and dirty laundry early in the morning and afternoon. And many fathers who are fully committed to their careers. The argument for this: He earns more money. A structural problem. The gender pay gap, splitting between spouses and a lack of suitable working models do their part to maintain this model. However, there are usually no financial compensation regulations or prenuptial agreements between the spouses that would protect the women in the event of a separation. Even many of my feminist friends prefer to believe in the good in people instead of protecting themselves.
There are women who feel comfortable in these role models. And on the other hand, fathers who are hopelessly overwhelmed when they have to take on childcare for a few hours, and usually without doing laundry, cooking or coordinating appointments.
Don’t lump everyone together
Of course this doesn’t apply to everyone, there are certainly couples who do it well. But even with those, the mental burden is usually borne by the mother. Many women – including myself – find it incredibly difficult to hand over things and tasks. There is also a lack of courage and confidence to simply let the partner do what they do, and the willingness to let go of control. So there are solutions, but why are they so often not implemented, even on a small scale?
Separate but equal
Giving up control was one of the first things I had to learn after separating from my children’s father. I don’t owe anyone anything and don’t feel responsible for anyone except my children. At the same time, the rules are clear: my time, my responsibility, his time, his responsibility.
If the children are with their father and become ill, he has to go to the doctor. If they need new clothes from him, he goes shopping. A birthday invitation during daddy time is coming up? He buys the gift. We discuss a lot, but sometimes we also take over for each other. Spend birthdays together, just like Christmas. It wasn’t always easy, but it’s getting easier. And, as with all things, it always involves trying out and adapting. All of this is also possible in couple relationships, but it is often not implemented that way.
I have often asked myself why this is so? Because you feel responsible for each other and emotionally connected to each other? Because you have the other person’s back? Because you accept more when you love the person? Because you are dependent on each other? It is often the mothers who take things off to relieve their partner. We do that too, but there is a compensation for that. Emotional distance during implementation is perhaps the central point.
Will, goodwill and a good exchange are important
It would be a lie to say that everything always works smoothly, and a breakup hurts. It was an upheaval for all of us that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Nevertheless, we are proud to have managed it so well. But for this to work, the alternating model needs good foundations. Parents should bring the following with them if they decide on the model:
– Be able to talk to each other objectively (e.g. about school, parents’ evenings, doctor’s visits, development, problems, hobbies, appointments)
– Put the well-being of your children above your own sensitivities
– Be prepared to constantly readjust things
– To endure being in contact with each other despite separation
– Be able to deal with old injuries in a reflective manner
– Can rely on each other
Of course, it is clear that breakups are often accompanied by anger, sadness and hurt. Dealing with it is crucial – on both sides. Wounds often have to heal first, but without the will and goodwill towards the other it becomes difficult. That doesn’t mean that you can’t hold grudges sometimes, that things happen that suck, that you get annoyed with the other person – just like in an intact relationship. What is important, however, is that the children are not the right people to contact when it comes to issues with the other parent. You can throw up at friends’ houses.
Demand and say no
How good or bad the change model is for the children, whether it should be ordered by the court or whether it only meets the needs of the parents, is always a public issue. Above all, it is one thing: very individual, in terms of living space, place of residence, maintenance and layout. For the four of us, 50/50 is currently the best option to do justice to everyone – especially the children’s wishes, but also our everyday work. If something changes, we try to adapt as best we can. At the same time, the model offers freedom that many single parents, but also mothers in long-term relationships, envy: I have time alone and time to get things done without having to worry about looking after the children.
Nevertheless, I also had to learn to say no instead of agreeing to everything for the sake of a good mood. We too have fought battles, explored things, discarded them, thrown things at each other, cried and mourned the family life we no longer have. But in the end we made the best of it and can watch our children grow up equally. Sometimes I still feel sad that I only have her with me half the time. But we now have something that many families don’t have: equal parenthood and financial independence. Along with personal freedom, one of the most important values for me.
Yes, I am a mom and my children come first. I still only have this one life at my disposal, and I don’t know when it will be over. All I know is that in the end I don’t want to have to say that I spent my time taking care of everything and having other people’s backs. There are two parents and both should be equally involved in the family.