Opinion
The case of Jonah Hill – and why setting limits can also be toxic
© Adobe Stock
The actor Jonah Hill is accused of emotional abuse by his ex-girlfriend – in therapy language control is disguised as consensus. Our colleague worries how many women fall victim to this type of manipulation.
He calls it “short and sweet”: The list is long Jonah Hill sent his ex-partner Sarah Brady in a chat during their relationship. “If you need it: Surfing with men, cultivating friendships with men without clear boundaries, modeling, posting bikini pictures (…) – then I’m not the right man for you. If these things make you happy, then I support that, but those are my limits for a romantic relationship.”
Set limits or exercise control?
In his message, Hill intersperses therapy-speech buzzwords: set boundaries, have needs, be supportive…it all sounds like a partnership agreement, doesn’t it?
Anyone who looks closely and concentrates on the content – and not on the pseudo-benevolent framing of the whole thing – quickly realizes: Here a man wants to control his partner – who, by the way, it should be said here, is a professional surfer; so her daily workwear is a bikini and many of her workmates are men. Hill liked these surfing pics when they met, later they became a problem, although nothing had changed.
Hill writes about his personal limits in several messages. Setting limits, saying no – a healthy attitude with regard to your own mental health, you think. But the perfidious thing about this scam is that Hill only fakes his own limits. In truth, he is thus actively limiting his partner’s freedom, restricting her self-determination in her (working) everyday life; A romantic relationship is only possible if Brady conforms to Hill’s non-negotiable standards. Anyone who already has feelings for the person will do a lot to keep them and not disappoint them. You could also call it emotional blackmail. Because what about Brady’s limits? They can’t find a place. A pretty one-sided deal.
Where are the alarm bells?
But why did Brady get involved with this man at all? The otherwise tinnitus-triggering alarm bells that we can still hear ringing when someone says to us on the first date “So next time we meet, you’ll wear a little more clothes” – we hear them less and less later, buffered by the emotional earplugs. After all, we’ve already invested in this relationship – and in addition to the demands, there are also (hopefully) nice moments. So did Brady. Only now, almost two years after the incidents and more than a year after Hill’s separation, does she go public with the allegations in the form of chat histories. “I’m sharing it now because hiding it hurts my mental health more than sharing ever could.”
She probably already knew what was in store for her, because the shitstorm that is expected to overtake a woman when she publicly accuses a prominent ex-partner of violence, whether psychological or physical, has long been raging. Thousands of heartfelt comments can be found under her Instagram photos, accusing the surfer of showing off, bad style and revenge, and also of not having respected Hill’s boundaries. It still hasn’t reached everyone that you can set limits for yourself – but not for other people.
Brady concludes her postings with an appeal: “If your partner talks to you like this, find a way out.” And that should be a reminder to all of us.