Oskar Holzberg: How rituals of affection maintain love in everyday life

Oscar Holzberg
loving affection

In short: But we can consciously choose them. That’s what makes them so important.

Now in detail: The hand that we feel gently on our shoulder. The tea we are offered: “Would you like a cup too?” The look that meets our gaze when we sit in a group of friends. The words: “That was stupid of me, I’m sorry.” The simple question: “Well, how was your day?” The little surprise gift. The SMS with three red hearts. The observation: “You look a little pale, is everything okay?” The hug when we meet each other in the hallway. The mobile phone that we put down when someone speaks to us. A thousand little puzzle pieces of loving affection, without which love is just an empty shell.

Our love isn’t just like that. We make them all the time. Every day is full of little requests for connection. You decide about our relationship. We keep our affection in small rituals of affection: How we say goodbye and greet; the times and places we speak to each other, the small gestures of caring. This is how we keep the cycle of proximity alive. Our partner’s affection makes us benevolent, and then we turn to them lovingly.

Our bonding system constantly checks how our love relationship is doing and reacts sensitively to signals: the kiss is fleeting today, the answer more monosyllabic? As soon as our connection weakens, we feel insecure and uncomfortable. If it is interrupted for a long time, the “darling” disappears from our favorite person. We look at him critically and with distance, the great feelings of love have moved into the distant future. This is the hour of humble love.

Make a conscious decision to give

Because we can consciously decide to lean towards them lovingly. We know how giving goes. We can remember our affection and look again at the bright side of our relationship with a loving benevolent gaze. We can turn to even if we don’t feel fully turned. This is not fake and not a show. It is only artificial and wrong if we no longer find any affection in ourselves.

Loving kindness is humble. We don’t pretend everything is fine. We give a signal that we wish to get closer again. We gently place our hands on each other’s shoulders. Because we have to approach each other in order not to stay apart. As soon as we can take a benevolent attitude, we give ourselves the chance to do so. Because loving care is the best way to inspire loving care. And we need the loving affection to feel again what is important to us. To have enough motivation and confidence to tackle our problems. Because in order to be able to resolve conflicts, we need the secure ground of our affection for one another. Without this ground, our relationship feels so threatened that we freak out in arguments or sink into silence.

Olga Tokarczuk sees the basis of our soul life in the narrative, in the story of our life. We are the authors. As a story grows out of words, our relationship grows out of moments of loving care. It’s a beautiful thought that there is this humble form of love. Nobody can take her away from us, we can continue writing our love story with her.

Oscar Holzberg has been treating and writing about couples for almost 30 years. He says: “Love is not an illusion, but we have too many illusions about love.”

Bridget